ideas!

A long-time religiously-devout alcoholics anonymous member suffers a painful injury and is prescribed some hydrocodone syrup, a drug he has had long-time engagements with in the past. He suffers from internal conflict and drama in weighing out the benefits and negative but is so stern he refuses to budge, refuses to ever dose himself with such a concoction. He only receives minor support at best from his group and his sponsors and one night, he is in so much pain he prays to god but the pain becomes so severe he goes into shock and dies. somehow it must be subtle yet clear that the syrup would have prevented his death. everything can be fine in moderation, yet he deals in absolutes.

The Chive Farmer's son helps his father with the family chive-farming business but he wants "a bigger piece of the pie". His father is conservative and tells him, "son, your grandpa tried to do that once but I steered him back. this is what we've been doing for so long and we do it the best. it is our family's calling and i expect your support."
son goes behind father's back and attempts to grow another cash crop, Opium. He is successful and tells his father they are a type of Afghani Onion and father believes him. However there are kids from town who hear about the poppies and one night, they milk them all, and it is obvious because they are covered in slits. The father sees this the next night, thinks its vandalism and calls the police. Unfortunately, they are on the son's side of the property, and when the cops investigate they send the son to jail for growing opium poppies.

intro

ive been thinking about learning about believing and knowing that introspection and introspective thought is the most important thing to know
If you can know a man's thoughts, his doubts, his desires, then you know that man, you've captured a piece of his soul
But in the historical and biographical constructs, which typically deal with extroverted events, they they don't place great emphasis on what's going inside the mind. think about what a single tinge of anxiety can do to a great speaker, the multitudes of thought and decisions percolating within the mind can do, what can lead from them. thoughts lead to actions, so they are paths, and many paths can be considered at one time. i imagine a flurry or web of sorts that pan out like a moving map that is constantly reorienting itself, growing or declining, going or ceasing at once; but to actually chart out this map would be as difficult as drawing a map of the internet for the same reasons, constantly flourishing or declining, moving too quickly to be captured in one single image, and if it did, would be immediately obsolete.

anyway, I yearn to modify the introspective experience. I see the soul as a figurative consciousness that can be altered if the pathways to the brain (the seat of consciousness) can also be altered. I am experimenting with Piracetam now. Here is something I've been reading.

I think one reason that the benefits of piracetam in healthy subjects are hard to quantify is due to the nature of the benefits themselves. It's a really subjective thing. How would you quantify beauty or pleasure? If an artist produced more beautiful work after using piracetam, who could document the change? Who could say with scientific certainty exactly how much more beautiful his work became after ingesting the drug for a certain amount of time? How can you weigh creativity? The benefits of piracetam are very subjective but real. For me, what I get is that ideas come to me more readily than before. When I have a tough problem to solve and the usual methods don't work, instead of getting frustrated I may just step back a little and ponder and then two or three possible approaches come to mind, one of which happens to work. My memory seems better and there have been studies showing many memory enhancing benefits from it. It seems to enhance the effects of other drugs slightly.

Other options, if this does not work for me could be Aniracetam or Oxiracetam. I will investigate further.

weeelll iuh

we;ll due to a strange turn of events ive developed a minor psychological problem within my brain like a chemical imagbalance where i may shift from a minor mania, like well tis cvalled a hypomania like a minor manic state and also shift to a minor depression too however this has hade a major impact on my philosophy in life
and i have held it to be true to this day where i believe
in a special, particular kind of balance, not like karma, where you create the happenings, but the happenings that occur upon you work in a sort of give or take system whereas
whence upon a positive, perhaps even ecstatically joyful event mayhaps occur give or take a depressing blunder upon the next day but the powers seem to find a way to balance out in the vice-versa, i should say, whereas the converse holds true - should i be bestowed a negative haze, either in affect or fortune the ball will eventually bounce back toward the opposing field.

marcus you can't blame yourself for feeling bent out of shape when girlie hasn't responded yet.
maybe she lost her phone or is uncomfortable using it right now or somethign weird, i dont know
but point is, even if you two don't cultivate anything anew you lived a wonderful passionate experience and it is
truely yours to keep and to hold on to

when we first met i knew that i would at least end up making out with her, the way we greeted and spoke to each
other. it was kind of funny though because Helen was there and i got her number and want to invite her over as well
perhaps a taste of her for next time. but with Claire, the dancing seemed to last so long, and I was having my
doubts but i'm so glad, marcus, that you decided to hang on! you stayed hydrated, took breaks with Steph to smoke,
heh, and did the right things, i'm so proud of you. your dad would be too.

it felt different from having sex it felt like making love, the way we cuddled around the blanket,
naked bodies
pieces touching warmth
again
anew
get up before noon

everything is fine and cool. last night i was hanging out with B and Jason and Vill B and his ex
girlfriend who he is hooking up with, Ida she is cool and i like her has a temporary friend and i bet if
she wasn't having sex with Will I could make it happen, but I have this cool aura of comfort around her knowing
that there's no pressure to make a move and she can smell that confidence. anyway Will whispered in my ear as he
left to check out a sober living community to stay with Ida while Jason was around because he did something dumb
the night before, apparently asking her to kiss him or something poor guy doesn't get it
i'm just glad from all my social blunders i've learned from them, improved myself and now i can safely say i'm the best i've ever been. i think mom would be so proud of me. i miss her a lot it'd be more incentive to come home. calling dad isn't really fulfilling that need of "calling home", tara seems to do a better job. even though he's happy and having a great time it's just kind of a one-sided conversation and that bugs me.
I wish travel this time of the year wasn't so expensive. god damnit but otherwise life is good and its not just because i'm on Tramadol i'm glad i went to the city today im enjoying the cafe

Wow, well

It's certainly been a long time. I am writing to you today because my head is so clouded, my emotions are so blunted and blurred, I don't know how to feel. I had the night of my life with a woman I can't help but fall for, and have no idea where she is or when I'll see her again, and I'm being stopped short in my pursuit by whimsical aphorisms in the art of dating demanding I "play it cool" to not seem too clingy. I guess it makes sense, I don't want to scare her. I guess I must be coy if I want her to stick around. Generally, from what I know and have observed, getting in too deep will push her away, and acting like I don't need it, or can find someone else in due time will make her want to cling. I want her to cling, so bad, but to do this I must act opposingly. So bizarre the world we live in. We had sex, and I lost the V card. She doesn't know yet. Yep. Played it like a natural. I've had so many experiences granting me inch and inch but this time I just stole the whole nine yards, and I'd do it again and again. But I gotta say, the intercourse really wasn't the best part. I mean, it was good, but with a condom at all I definitely couldn't ejaculate with that sheath on. Which is good in a way, for her, I mean she came twice. So hot and I wasn't even aware of it at the time, only in retrospect. I'll come back to this, it's what's driving me mad. The best part was after she went to clean herself up, the mess I made on her that she loved so much (she seemed to love everything I did, like it was unreal) and wore my blanket like a robe and i held the ends and draped it around us, both of us naked and our bodies just touching, and the feel of her hair and her bush and her tummy and breasts against mine and her butt as she slept, so cute. I couldn't sleep and got up, pulled my arm out from under her, went pee, ate something, tried to get back to sleep but it wasn't working, got up again to lock the door before G opened up, didn't want to make him uncomfortable.
But now I'm just lost. During the affair it felt so normal and right but now in retrospect it was anything but, it was heaven and a dream and so lovely...lovely that's her title on my phone, and she knows about it, I'm gonna call in the evening, if she says I can't come by I left or am about to leave I hope I can stop myself from sounding clingy, I'll just try to say, "Aww...that's too bad! But we'll see each other again before you know it!" with a positive spin. I dunno, maybe just the first part. I should call Helen.
I had such a bounce in my step walking around the mall the other day. Not the uncomfortable skin I'm so used to. In the library now, can't stop looking at other pretty girls, it's never gonna end. I quelled the interest but the interest is never gonna die. But I can't wait to see this girl again, and I can't hide that but it's making me feel so weird today. And yesterday, disappointed, and it was showing and I couldn't help but talk about it with Nik and B and share my interest. Heard some weird stories about girl but don't care. Hungry and derailed, weary-eyed, music isn't helping, i need more, more stuff. Beer and weed don't help either. Ugh. Now I know what all those fucking songs were speaking of.

zzzz

So hard to stay awake! So bland, so dull, so tired. I get my 8 hours each night. Just about eight. Tomorrow I don't have to stay awake, though. Thank goodness. I'm gonna go home and talk to my father a bit. So tired though. And I have to drive home, can't fall asleep on a bus. I hate these phases I've been coming into conflict with. Over the weekend I didn't sleep for shit, but I'm getting all the sleep I need now, so what's going on with me?

My father is so strong.

Today I learned how strong my father really is. His hopes and dreams, his "whys" in life are not too far out of reach, despite seemingly hopeless amounts of debt, poor job offerings and daily injustices at work, options that seem futile, working jobs far below his frame of intelligence and what he is capable of... but he has a "why" and when a man has a "why" in his life he can endure any "how".

I came so close to a breakdown today, when I saw an update to my medical bill sent in, this time it was pink instead of white, when I had paid another $400 to it, they had said I only paid $250 or so. I was as pink as the letter, but I will, I promise to get up earlier and call them tomorrow and explain my case. I have been so reluctant, so emotionally adverse to opening the letters and facing the bills head on, as a coward, not as a man in control of his life, with hands gripping the wheel in the car on the road of how we deal with things. It's dehumanizing. I feel so abused. These people in Virginia or something, screw up on purpose perhaps, to make me and my family suffer. Sure, they're only trying to run a business, and with my split head and future desires to be on top of something, I have at times regrettably been able to equate people and profits. But my "why" will reside in bolstering the people...not as some socialist Marxist agenda, but as a way, when I see a country ran by corporations rather than by government, as a child of the worst economic crisis caused by greed itself, with senators and representatives choosing lobbyists over human lives, when presidents vow to turn toward the commoner over corporate interest and fail (but who would have guessed), I can only see my country in decline, and everyone underneath chase the trend.

It makes it hard to stay content. And I say content rather than happy, because when people say "find happiness" they do not quite mean that, as happiness is only something that can be ensued or resulted in when we find things in our lives that allow it. So these people mean "find something that makes you happy", and as humans can be defined as goal-oriented creatures, we can deduce that they mean, "find a future goal that will make you happy, and pursue it". Which is easier said than done, when I am so conflicted. I'm not unique in desiring money and wealth and a car that isn't a Toyota for once. And some Toyotas are quite nice these days. But I want to break the cycle of debt my mother and father have been in, and my father is in still, to have a house that doesn't have pieces falling apart, to order something without worrying about its price, but only the pleasure it will grant...but these feelings, like the attainment of all material possessions, I believe, are fleeting at best. Of course, we feel great after buying a car or some snazzy new clothes, but we quickly become accustomed to a this new, more exorbitant lifestyle, and anything less would be an absolute downgrade, in a world where our self-worth is determined by our salaries and sailboats, the area of our apartments and the number of channels on our televisions, would be an absolute hammer to the mirror. So, when push comes to shove, and income is lost, we would rely on debt to keep this self-worth, this lifestyle, these pleasures that don't really please but only maintain, creating that image of an enamored housewife in Orange County sneaking out her i-banker husband's AmEx card, giddy and gregarious, as she pulls in her Lexus to Neiman Marcus.

I know, everything I've said in this post has been said before, but it feels so much better relatively to say it myself, in my own way. I was so close to tears but ten minutes ago, I felt so lost and abandoned and abused, the minor debt of a medical bill only a sample of what's to come with student loans for an education I don't even know what I'll do with, but am confident that I need. It seems so...self-harming to have something of an existential/educational/career crisis AFTER getting accepted to your college, but I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just wish I knew people, people I could converse with, that know this feeling of uncertainty. And I'm pretty much "locked in", I'm pretty much fated to go. I have to, everyone tells me, I have to. And deep down, I know it offers a better chance at life than this one right now. Something new, that novel stimulation that I've been craving since after high school, where in comparison to my boxed-in peers, I have so much, where one is just so jealous of what I have, things I'm trying to get away from. But right now, I could just never have enough money, even though I have so much more than those boxed-in peers, what I'll have to pay for just exceeds their understanding. Tuition, rent, medical bills...well some of it crosses over, but my requirements seem to be in another ball park. I don't know, I can't compare myself to them, for better or for worse. They're just other people. I'm just another person.

An I email I was forced to write

Ryan,
You are so incredibly important to me - you've helped shape my worldview and show me a love for literature and how to have a good time. You are the salt, sugar, and fat in my convenient, hyperpalatable American diet. For real! You are great!
But I am not, at least not yet. Though you are helping me achieve that, and that means the world to me, I still have a long way to go. And that being said, I never meant to offend you, or to toss crude, insensitive images in your direction. For everything you mean to me, Ryan, I can't imagine intentionally trying to hurt you, it's just not logically sound, it's not something I would knowingly do, not that it's not my fault, but something that lies in my lack of judgment -- when I thought out loud and considered the foul thoughts of foolish people (why would I do this) which I recited without censor, when I roleplayed various ideas percolating in my steam pot head, marinating my mind I guess I become immune to the consideration of what is contextually sound and what is not, which you may have noticed before. I don't want to create that image of myself, of someone who uses words that break down barriers around what one wants to deveop and protect.

I wish I could easily describe the sensations I felt when I realized that I hurt you. Plainly, my stomach began to intensely wring itself out and I noticed that the air was much hotter, and I felt the urge to sweat. I fumbled around in my car's trunk looking for my emergency cigarettes (there were 2, and I left them there originally to take to offer to my coworker, who invited me to a party at his house that evening) but smoked one. There was one left, shuffling around in the light cardboard of the package. I started the car and drove north, up to La Madera and Grenwiche. One of my eyes was irritated but I ignored it. NPR wasn't cutting it for me so I switched to the rock station and listened to it like background music in a movie, driving while my mind felt so rigid, so intensely focused on the cratered road and the turbulence around the car's frame as it scuttled and bumped until I decided to merge over left, where the road was much smoother. But in my head I felt aloof and lowly, something only time would change. I blew off that girl that I told you I would see again. I could not converse. I took La Madera eastbound, and turned right on Barnei boulevard. I wanted to walk and see things from close up, so I parked on a busy little shopping street, by a parking meter. The sign said time was up, so I didn't have to scurry around in my pockets or the car's center console for dimes. I got out and looked around. Something caught my eye and I walked toward it, "Out of the Closet" thrift store. I hadn't been to one before and I decided now would be a fine time. But I was disappointed to see the store cowering behind a heavy metal grating while I checked the hours. It closed today at 7. It was 8. I saw a male mannequin dressed like a pimped-out peacock and smiled. I kept walking a bit and a Mercedes pulled up to me, and a black man asked me which way to La Madera. I told him something that turned out to be wrong ten minutes later, but didn't let it get to me.

I wanted to ask someone which way to Valmont, back to familiarity and the freeway. I'm sure I could find it on my own but asked anyway. A strange, gregariously content Asian man smiled at me on the way to the liquor store as I bought myself a refreshing drink. I smiled back, thinking about how nice it is when strangers can approach each other with ease, just happy to be fellow men together, and remembered that "strangers are just friends you haven't met yet". He followed me into the liquor store and came out with me, and smiled again. Now was the time. "Do you know which way Valmont is?" He told me some directions that I didn't understand, even his exaggerated arm movements weren't enough to signal which way to go, but I pretended to follow along. He seemed well-kept, while an earring glowed and I noticed some strange scars connecting around his neck, as if he underwent an operation that would replace his skinmask face with someone else's. He seemed cool enough though. His directions included making a U-turn to go around some river that tears the street in half. I thought of a reservoir but no, it was some river that he was on his way to. He said something that included the phrase "horny" and asked me if "that was your car" twice. I thought about it for a second of a second and kindly refused the offer, and told him to have a nice night, and he was kind about it, too. I began to drive back to where I was heading and felt better. But I won't feel completely better until you read this email and call me some time.

With great honor,
Marcus Nagelberg

messing with destiny?

More conflict and confusion regarding the big move. I'm afraid of debt. Shouldn't I be? How much can my family contribute? Let's see. There's Tara&Randy, Grandpa, Kayla&Michael, Rona&Bob...if I can get a 10K loan from each of them, I'd be much better off. Tuition is due each quarter. It's like $5K a quarter. I knew it was expensive but my financial aid awards might not even come in until the beginning of the year because I applied later than usual. I'm going out of my fucking mind. I have no other choice. I have to leave. Or go broke. I need this though. So much. If the family could just loan it to me...

misery avoids company

god I feel like shit. there is one large task left at work and I can just stare at it in misery and dismay. i'm here, trying to do it but all i can drag myself to do is just nohthing, only sit here, feel bad, feel gross, want to eat more but am full, disgusted, not anticipating judgement uncertain about tonights events. want to go but don't feel on top of myself, am not communicating well with others, feel disengaged and in a fog, even though i turned it down the other night. feel odd. feel feel feel. i want feelins to be disengaged from thoughts. and bodily musings. feel so alien. just here. sorr this is not written well but had to be writtne incognito.

time moves so quickly!

and I am still unsure of my future living situation! sigh! fuck! but I was confident with a new skill today, I called people up to do some plumming work for quotes and successfully found my old man the best deal ever. I was afraid of making these calls but I got good results within an hour. i am proud of myself for this.

money provides comfort, power, control

So I should be making more of it. I'm still uninsured and need to see an allergy specialist, I might have a dairy allergy, milk (lactose) might be creating these balls of mucous that appear in my throat. I know, gross huh? it really sucks though but since my asthma is under control I can only classify anything else as a minor annoyance. I could buy some soy milk like a hippie. I need to work more hours to make more money. School is almost out for now. I need to know how much university will cost me, it bothers me so much because my father is still unsure of his own financial situation, and he sort of comes first. If I don't get into an apartment I don't know where I will live. Or how I will afford it. But an education takes priority, right?