joke life
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
zzzz
So hard to stay awake! So bland, so dull, so tired. I get my 8 hours each night. Just about eight. Tomorrow I don't have to stay awake, though. Thank goodness. I'm gonna go home and talk to my father a bit. So tired though. And I have to drive home, can't fall asleep on a bus. I hate these phases I've been coming into conflict with. Over the weekend I didn't sleep for shit, but I'm getting all the sleep I need now, so what's going on with me?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My father is so strong.
Today I learned how strong my father really is. His hopes and dreams, his "whys" in life are not too far out of reach, despite seemingly hopeless amounts of debt, poor job offerings and daily injustices at work, options that seem futile, working jobs far below his frame of intelligence and what he is capable of... but he has a "why" and when a man has a "why" in his life he can endure any "how".
I came so close to a breakdown today, when I saw an update to my medical bill sent in, this time it was pink instead of white, when I had paid another $400 to it, they had said I only paid $250 or so. I was as pink as the letter, but I will, I promise to get up earlier and call them tomorrow and explain my case. I have been so reluctant, so emotionally adverse to opening the letters and facing the bills head on, as a coward, not as a man in control of his life, with hands gripping the wheel in the car on the road of how we deal with things. It's dehumanizing. I feel so abused. These people in Virginia or something, screw up on purpose perhaps, to make me and my family suffer. Sure, they're only trying to run a business, and with my split head and future desires to be on top of something, I have at times regrettably been able to equate people and profits. But my "why" will reside in bolstering the people...not as some socialist Marxist agenda, but as a way, when I see a country ran by corporations rather than by government, as a child of the worst economic crisis caused by greed itself, with senators and representatives choosing lobbyists over human lives, when presidents vow to turn toward the commoner over corporate interest and fail (but who would have guessed), I can only see my country in decline, and everyone underneath chase the trend.
It makes it hard to stay content. And I say content rather than happy, because when people say "find happiness" they do not quite mean that, as happiness is only something that can be ensued or resulted in when we find things in our lives that allow it. So these people mean "find something that makes you happy", and as humans can be defined as goal-oriented creatures, we can deduce that they mean, "find a future goal that will make you happy, and pursue it". Which is easier said than done, when I am so conflicted. I'm not unique in desiring money and wealth and a car that isn't a Toyota for once. And some Toyotas are quite nice these days. But I want to break the cycle of debt my mother and father have been in, and my father is in still, to have a house that doesn't have pieces falling apart, to order something without worrying about its price, but only the pleasure it will grant...but these feelings, like the attainment of all material possessions, I believe, are fleeting at best. Of course, we feel great after buying a car or some snazzy new clothes, but we quickly become accustomed to a this new, more exorbitant lifestyle, and anything less would be an absolute downgrade, in a world where our self-worth is determined by our salaries and sailboats, the area of our apartments and the number of channels on our televisions, would be an absolute hammer to the mirror. So, when push comes to shove, and income is lost, we would rely on debt to keep this self-worth, this lifestyle, these pleasures that don't really please but only maintain, creating that image of an enamored housewife in Orange County sneaking out her i-banker husband's AmEx card, giddy and gregarious, as she pulls in her Lexus to Neiman Marcus.
I know, everything I've said in this post has been said before, but it feels so much better relatively to say it myself, in my own way. I was so close to tears but ten minutes ago, I felt so lost and abandoned and abused, the minor debt of a medical bill only a sample of what's to come with student loans for an education I don't even know what I'll do with, but am confident that I need. It seems so...self-harming to have something of an existential/educational/career crisis AFTER getting accepted to your college, but I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just wish I knew people, people I could converse with, that know this feeling of uncertainty. And I'm pretty much "locked in", I'm pretty much fated to go. I have to, everyone tells me, I have to. And deep down, I know it offers a better chance at life than this one right now. Something new, that novel stimulation that I've been craving since after high school, where in comparison to my boxed-in peers, I have so much, where one is just so jealous of what I have, things I'm trying to get away from. But right now, I could just never have enough money, even though I have so much more than those boxed-in peers, what I'll have to pay for just exceeds their understanding. Tuition, rent, medical bills...well some of it crosses over, but my requirements seem to be in another ball park. I don't know, I can't compare myself to them, for better or for worse. They're just other people. I'm just another person.
I came so close to a breakdown today, when I saw an update to my medical bill sent in, this time it was pink instead of white, when I had paid another $400 to it, they had said I only paid $250 or so. I was as pink as the letter, but I will, I promise to get up earlier and call them tomorrow and explain my case. I have been so reluctant, so emotionally adverse to opening the letters and facing the bills head on, as a coward, not as a man in control of his life, with hands gripping the wheel in the car on the road of how we deal with things. It's dehumanizing. I feel so abused. These people in Virginia or something, screw up on purpose perhaps, to make me and my family suffer. Sure, they're only trying to run a business, and with my split head and future desires to be on top of something, I have at times regrettably been able to equate people and profits. But my "why" will reside in bolstering the people...not as some socialist Marxist agenda, but as a way, when I see a country ran by corporations rather than by government, as a child of the worst economic crisis caused by greed itself, with senators and representatives choosing lobbyists over human lives, when presidents vow to turn toward the commoner over corporate interest and fail (but who would have guessed), I can only see my country in decline, and everyone underneath chase the trend.
It makes it hard to stay content. And I say content rather than happy, because when people say "find happiness" they do not quite mean that, as happiness is only something that can be ensued or resulted in when we find things in our lives that allow it. So these people mean "find something that makes you happy", and as humans can be defined as goal-oriented creatures, we can deduce that they mean, "find a future goal that will make you happy, and pursue it". Which is easier said than done, when I am so conflicted. I'm not unique in desiring money and wealth and a car that isn't a Toyota for once. And some Toyotas are quite nice these days. But I want to break the cycle of debt my mother and father have been in, and my father is in still, to have a house that doesn't have pieces falling apart, to order something without worrying about its price, but only the pleasure it will grant...but these feelings, like the attainment of all material possessions, I believe, are fleeting at best. Of course, we feel great after buying a car or some snazzy new clothes, but we quickly become accustomed to a this new, more exorbitant lifestyle, and anything less would be an absolute downgrade, in a world where our self-worth is determined by our salaries and sailboats, the area of our apartments and the number of channels on our televisions, would be an absolute hammer to the mirror. So, when push comes to shove, and income is lost, we would rely on debt to keep this self-worth, this lifestyle, these pleasures that don't really please but only maintain, creating that image of an enamored housewife in Orange County sneaking out her i-banker husband's AmEx card, giddy and gregarious, as she pulls in her Lexus to Neiman Marcus.
I know, everything I've said in this post has been said before, but it feels so much better relatively to say it myself, in my own way. I was so close to tears but ten minutes ago, I felt so lost and abandoned and abused, the minor debt of a medical bill only a sample of what's to come with student loans for an education I don't even know what I'll do with, but am confident that I need. It seems so...self-harming to have something of an existential/educational/career crisis AFTER getting accepted to your college, but I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just wish I knew people, people I could converse with, that know this feeling of uncertainty. And I'm pretty much "locked in", I'm pretty much fated to go. I have to, everyone tells me, I have to. And deep down, I know it offers a better chance at life than this one right now. Something new, that novel stimulation that I've been craving since after high school, where in comparison to my boxed-in peers, I have so much, where one is just so jealous of what I have, things I'm trying to get away from. But right now, I could just never have enough money, even though I have so much more than those boxed-in peers, what I'll have to pay for just exceeds their understanding. Tuition, rent, medical bills...well some of it crosses over, but my requirements seem to be in another ball park. I don't know, I can't compare myself to them, for better or for worse. They're just other people. I'm just another person.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
An I email I was forced to write
Ryan,
You are so incredibly important to me - you've helped shape my worldview and show me a love for literature and how to have a good time. You are the salt, sugar, and fat in my convenient, hyperpalatable American diet. For real! You are great!
But I am not, at least not yet. Though you are helping me achieve that, and that means the world to me, I still have a long way to go. And that being said, I never meant to offend you, or to toss crude, insensitive images in your direction. For everything you mean to me, Ryan, I can't imagine intentionally trying to hurt you, it's just not logically sound, it's not something I would knowingly do, not that it's not my fault, but something that lies in my lack of judgment -- when I thought out loud and considered the foul thoughts of foolish people (why would I do this) which I recited without censor, when I roleplayed various ideas percolating in my steam pot head, marinating my mind I guess I become immune to the consideration of what is contextually sound and what is not, which you may have noticed before. I don't want to create that image of myself, of someone who uses words that break down barriers around what one wants to deveop and protect.
I wish I could easily describe the sensations I felt when I realized that I hurt you. Plainly, my stomach began to intensely wring itself out and I noticed that the air was much hotter, and I felt the urge to sweat. I fumbled around in my car's trunk looking for my emergency cigarettes (there were 2, and I left them there originally to take to offer to my coworker, who invited me to a party at his house that evening) but smoked one. There was one left, shuffling around in the light cardboard of the package. I started the car and drove north, up to La Madera and Grenwiche. One of my eyes was irritated but I ignored it. NPR wasn't cutting it for me so I switched to the rock station and listened to it like background music in a movie, driving while my mind felt so rigid, so intensely focused on the cratered road and the turbulence around the car's frame as it scuttled and bumped until I decided to merge over left, where the road was much smoother. But in my head I felt aloof and lowly, something only time would change. I blew off that girl that I told you I would see again. I could not converse. I took La Madera eastbound, and turned right on Barnei boulevard. I wanted to walk and see things from close up, so I parked on a busy little shopping street, by a parking meter. The sign said time was up, so I didn't have to scurry around in my pockets or the car's center console for dimes. I got out and looked around. Something caught my eye and I walked toward it, "Out of the Closet" thrift store. I hadn't been to one before and I decided now would be a fine time. But I was disappointed to see the store cowering behind a heavy metal grating while I checked the hours. It closed today at 7. It was 8. I saw a male mannequin dressed like a pimped-out peacock and smiled. I kept walking a bit and a Mercedes pulled up to me, and a black man asked me which way to La Madera. I told him something that turned out to be wrong ten minutes later, but didn't let it get to me.
I wanted to ask someone which way to Valmont, back to familiarity and the freeway. I'm sure I could find it on my own but asked anyway. A strange, gregariously content Asian man smiled at me on the way to the liquor store as I bought myself a refreshing drink. I smiled back, thinking about how nice it is when strangers can approach each other with ease, just happy to be fellow men together, and remembered that "strangers are just friends you haven't met yet". He followed me into the liquor store and came out with me, and smiled again. Now was the time. "Do you know which way Valmont is?" He told me some directions that I didn't understand, even his exaggerated arm movements weren't enough to signal which way to go, but I pretended to follow along. He seemed well-kept, while an earring glowed and I noticed some strange scars connecting around his neck, as if he underwent an operation that would replace his skinmask face with someone else's. He seemed cool enough though. His directions included making a U-turn to go around some river that tears the street in half. I thought of a reservoir but no, it was some river that he was on his way to. He said something that included the phrase "horny" and asked me if "that was your car" twice. I thought about it for a second of a second and kindly refused the offer, and told him to have a nice night, and he was kind about it, too. I began to drive back to where I was heading and felt better. But I won't feel completely better until you read this email and call me some time.
With great honor,
Marcus Nagelberg
You are so incredibly important to me - you've helped shape my worldview and show me a love for literature and how to have a good time. You are the salt, sugar, and fat in my convenient, hyperpalatable American diet. For real! You are great!
But I am not, at least not yet. Though you are helping me achieve that, and that means the world to me, I still have a long way to go. And that being said, I never meant to offend you, or to toss crude, insensitive images in your direction. For everything you mean to me, Ryan, I can't imagine intentionally trying to hurt you, it's just not logically sound, it's not something I would knowingly do, not that it's not my fault, but something that lies in my lack of judgment -- when I thought out loud and considered the foul thoughts of foolish people (why would I do this) which I recited without censor, when I roleplayed various ideas percolating in my steam pot head, marinating my mind I guess I become immune to the consideration of what is contextually sound and what is not, which you may have noticed before. I don't want to create that image of myself, of someone who uses words that break down barriers around what one wants to deveop and protect.
I wish I could easily describe the sensations I felt when I realized that I hurt you. Plainly, my stomach began to intensely wring itself out and I noticed that the air was much hotter, and I felt the urge to sweat. I fumbled around in my car's trunk looking for my emergency cigarettes (there were 2, and I left them there originally to take to offer to my coworker, who invited me to a party at his house that evening) but smoked one. There was one left, shuffling around in the light cardboard of the package. I started the car and drove north, up to La Madera and Grenwiche. One of my eyes was irritated but I ignored it. NPR wasn't cutting it for me so I switched to the rock station and listened to it like background music in a movie, driving while my mind felt so rigid, so intensely focused on the cratered road and the turbulence around the car's frame as it scuttled and bumped until I decided to merge over left, where the road was much smoother. But in my head I felt aloof and lowly, something only time would change. I blew off that girl that I told you I would see again. I could not converse. I took La Madera eastbound, and turned right on Barnei boulevard. I wanted to walk and see things from close up, so I parked on a busy little shopping street, by a parking meter. The sign said time was up, so I didn't have to scurry around in my pockets or the car's center console for dimes. I got out and looked around. Something caught my eye and I walked toward it, "Out of the Closet" thrift store. I hadn't been to one before and I decided now would be a fine time. But I was disappointed to see the store cowering behind a heavy metal grating while I checked the hours. It closed today at 7. It was 8. I saw a male mannequin dressed like a pimped-out peacock and smiled. I kept walking a bit and a Mercedes pulled up to me, and a black man asked me which way to La Madera. I told him something that turned out to be wrong ten minutes later, but didn't let it get to me.
I wanted to ask someone which way to Valmont, back to familiarity and the freeway. I'm sure I could find it on my own but asked anyway. A strange, gregariously content Asian man smiled at me on the way to the liquor store as I bought myself a refreshing drink. I smiled back, thinking about how nice it is when strangers can approach each other with ease, just happy to be fellow men together, and remembered that "strangers are just friends you haven't met yet". He followed me into the liquor store and came out with me, and smiled again. Now was the time. "Do you know which way Valmont is?" He told me some directions that I didn't understand, even his exaggerated arm movements weren't enough to signal which way to go, but I pretended to follow along. He seemed well-kept, while an earring glowed and I noticed some strange scars connecting around his neck, as if he underwent an operation that would replace his skinmask face with someone else's. He seemed cool enough though. His directions included making a U-turn to go around some river that tears the street in half. I thought of a reservoir but no, it was some river that he was on his way to. He said something that included the phrase "horny" and asked me if "that was your car" twice. I thought about it for a second of a second and kindly refused the offer, and told him to have a nice night, and he was kind about it, too. I began to drive back to where I was heading and felt better. But I won't feel completely better until you read this email and call me some time.
With great honor,
Marcus Nagelberg
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
messing with destiny?
More conflict and confusion regarding the big move. I'm afraid of debt. Shouldn't I be? How much can my family contribute? Let's see. There's Tara&Randy, Grandpa, Kayla&Michael, Rona&Bob...if I can get a 10K loan from each of them, I'd be much better off. Tuition is due each quarter. It's like $5K a quarter. I knew it was expensive but my financial aid awards might not even come in until the beginning of the year because I applied later than usual. I'm going out of my fucking mind. I have no other choice. I have to leave. Or go broke. I need this though. So much. If the family could just loan it to me...
Friday, June 12, 2009
misery avoids company
god I feel like shit. there is one large task left at work and I can just stare at it in misery and dismay. i'm here, trying to do it but all i can drag myself to do is just nohthing, only sit here, feel bad, feel gross, want to eat more but am full, disgusted, not anticipating judgement uncertain about tonights events. want to go but don't feel on top of myself, am not communicating well with others, feel disengaged and in a fog, even though i turned it down the other night. feel odd. feel feel feel. i want feelins to be disengaged from thoughts. and bodily musings. feel so alien. just here. sorr this is not written well but had to be writtne incognito.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
time moves so quickly!
and I am still unsure of my future living situation! sigh! fuck! but I was confident with a new skill today, I called people up to do some plumming work for quotes and successfully found my old man the best deal ever. I was afraid of making these calls but I got good results within an hour. i am proud of myself for this.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
money provides comfort, power, control
So I should be making more of it. I'm still uninsured and need to see an allergy specialist, I might have a dairy allergy, milk (lactose) might be creating these balls of mucous that appear in my throat. I know, gross huh? it really sucks though but since my asthma is under control I can only classify anything else as a minor annoyance. I could buy some soy milk like a hippie. I need to work more hours to make more money. School is almost out for now. I need to know how much university will cost me, it bothers me so much because my father is still unsure of his own financial situation, and he sort of comes first. If I don't get into an apartment I don't know where I will live. Or how I will afford it. But an education takes priority, right?
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I must be a sucker for a computer chair
It's almost as if my natural inclination is to sit here. I have a lot of mental energy but nothing to really do with it, and I lack the motivation to write, or to take up a list of goals. I could eat forever, pet a cat forever, sit here, forever. I'm gonna try to get that bike fixed today.
Fuck, today is the 24th. Tomorrow is the 25th. Tuesday is the 26th. Wednesday is the 27th. Thursday is the 28th. Friday is the 29th. Saturday is the 30th. Sunday is the 31st. Monday is June 1st. That's when that thing is due. I can't even start it until I'm accepted though.
Fuck, today is the 24th. Tomorrow is the 25th. Tuesday is the 26th. Wednesday is the 27th. Thursday is the 28th. Friday is the 29th. Saturday is the 30th. Sunday is the 31st. Monday is June 1st. That's when that thing is due. I can't even start it until I'm accepted though.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
leak
I have a post-nasal drip. that means I have mucous leaking from my sinuses, down my throat, into my stomach. The stomach does not like these fluids and churns in response to it. I'm seeing a free doctor tomorrow though. I hate this feeling. i don't even want to type. my EAR is congested, for chrissakes!
Monday, May 18, 2009
why
why do I feel the need to go on these fleeting, self-fulfilling, pleasure sprees? like depressant drugs will motivate me to get things done? well, I did do some cleaning yesterday, the boiler room is definitely a bit larger now, but it only creates more places to sweat, inducing desires to revolve my sleep schedule around the sun, for there's a disconnect between when the outdoor air starts to irradiate the skin and body with a boiling heat, and anything in the bright light's uncovered consistency with a hellish sweat, and when the house begins to feel its residual effects, inspiring me to seek a better design for roof, as my friend who'd climbed up last with me to help patch a leak says it could use something new to insulate it.
There was a car with odd stickers that stood out, one was an Eye of Horus, the other numbers fashioned into a row, reading "12.21.12"... conspiracy believers.
There was a car with odd stickers that stood out, one was an Eye of Horus, the other numbers fashioned into a row, reading "12.21.12"... conspiracy believers.
Friday, May 15, 2009
health
mornings haven't been too bad, nothing I can't solve with a little taste of albuterol. Still waiting to see if I'll be accepted by the system. I committed fraud and wanted to tell the world, because i felt so bad about it, but rethought that thought and will just say that here. I forged a 1040 so that I'll be....hopefully granted access into this program from the county because I can't afford traditional health insurance. Well, I guess I COULD pay for it, but I'm tired of being denied and screwed over by what i KNOW i NEED. i know, it's messed up and I can't justify it. eventually I will get some sort of standard health insurance/health care plan but there are too many fucking choices, and I've been screwed over by these companies so many times in the past, and I know that with my godawful luck the expensive drugs I need will not be covered, and that i'll be in debt once again, just doing things out of good inclination, going badly once agani.
i'm poor, and can't ask my father for anything. My father's income is artificially inflated. He doesn't really make that much. He withdraws his pension payments early so that he can pay his mortgage bill at the end of the month, and then pays huge taxes on those pension payments. it's a terrible system and screws the poor without thought of the outcome. I don't see how he could have been surprised paying taxes, high taxes on that action. I don't know. But I do know that this sounds whiny, but it's true, this is the one department in my country and in my life where it just doesn't work, and I just have to do something different. please don't judge me for this, i couldn't tell anyone the whole story of how I feel about it if I wanted to.
but I do know that people might think I am a scumbag for attempting to cheat a system. Haflway through the ordeal I realized that it would be a bad idea, but what I heard from a health practitioner there made it all too real for me and I couldn't resist. I thought of backing out halfway, I thought of claiming, I'm sorry, these forms are illegitimate, take me out of the system, forgive me, there is a problem with the documents.
But I couldn't. It would have made a scene and I was sure it would have made bigger problems. I'm just going to ride on my past gregariousness, i will be bound by the choices that I made under pressure. I know that what I did will be looked down upon, and the people that would look down on me would not consider how i felt myself upon doing it. but I haven't even GOT anything out of it yet. They DENIED me the medication that I plainly needed until my next appointment, a good two weeks from when I first went it. it's not the kind of medical care that will save someone's life. The doctor, for whom English was plainly a second language gave me contradictory advice from a clinician I had seen prior. it's very disheartening, but at least, with care, i can force myself through all the bad i feel in my body. all the congestion, constriction, coughing, running, wheezing just thrusts itself into a malaise that i'm used to. it's nothing new to have to fight to breath or use an inhaler more than I should. it's known, and i'm only afraid of the unknown.
i'm poor, and can't ask my father for anything. My father's income is artificially inflated. He doesn't really make that much. He withdraws his pension payments early so that he can pay his mortgage bill at the end of the month, and then pays huge taxes on those pension payments. it's a terrible system and screws the poor without thought of the outcome. I don't see how he could have been surprised paying taxes, high taxes on that action. I don't know. But I do know that this sounds whiny, but it's true, this is the one department in my country and in my life where it just doesn't work, and I just have to do something different. please don't judge me for this, i couldn't tell anyone the whole story of how I feel about it if I wanted to.
but I do know that people might think I am a scumbag for attempting to cheat a system. Haflway through the ordeal I realized that it would be a bad idea, but what I heard from a health practitioner there made it all too real for me and I couldn't resist. I thought of backing out halfway, I thought of claiming, I'm sorry, these forms are illegitimate, take me out of the system, forgive me, there is a problem with the documents.
But I couldn't. It would have made a scene and I was sure it would have made bigger problems. I'm just going to ride on my past gregariousness, i will be bound by the choices that I made under pressure. I know that what I did will be looked down upon, and the people that would look down on me would not consider how i felt myself upon doing it. but I haven't even GOT anything out of it yet. They DENIED me the medication that I plainly needed until my next appointment, a good two weeks from when I first went it. it's not the kind of medical care that will save someone's life. The doctor, for whom English was plainly a second language gave me contradictory advice from a clinician I had seen prior. it's very disheartening, but at least, with care, i can force myself through all the bad i feel in my body. all the congestion, constriction, coughing, running, wheezing just thrusts itself into a malaise that i'm used to. it's nothing new to have to fight to breath or use an inhaler more than I should. it's known, and i'm only afraid of the unknown.
identity
i'm spending tonight alone, but will lie about it tomorrow. I'm going to say I was at the house of my mentor and his partner, drinking, like I did a while ago and it was fantastic. it's won't be a huge lie, i bumped into him today. but it's part of the guise i need to make, to split away from C. i need to create this reality, make it real, so he'll realize that there are other things on my mind. but I won't have to lie about what I'm doing tomorrow.
I am becoming anonymous, a misanthrope, a spectre, a silky, transparent wizard with glassy eyes and crystalline skin. Wispy hair, wrinkled brow, missing teeth and rumpled lips. He entered the door cautiously and flipped the light switch, looked around.
I am becoming anonymous, a misanthrope, a spectre, a silky, transparent wizard with glassy eyes and crystalline skin. Wispy hair, wrinkled brow, missing teeth and rumpled lips. He entered the door cautiously and flipped the light switch, looked around.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)