making the rent, breaking the date?

Well somehow, I'm still hitting 37 hours this pay period despite skipping president's day, and hardly doing anything on Thursday, where our city was hit with roughly 5-6 inches of snow. Maybe because I'm counting today, where I inflated my workday by about half an hour. That's all done.

I'm gonna make rent! Now I just have to hang out here and look busy for another six hours, and I'll be free to work on that paper...or get some rest. I stayed up late last night but had a lot of fun. I decided to kick it old-school and smoke up campfire style. I laid under both of my blankets and ensured there was no way for light or air to pass through, and smoked the rest of the bowl I had loaded. Then I layed out, listening to the dreampop and constant whirr of my room's heater in the background. Does well to smudge out the background noises and voices downstairs. I want to edit some of the blog post I wrote last night. It felt like I had something going on there, but I'm going to bet most of it was hufflepuff. But I felt so energized last night!

Flirting does that to you. At that concert last night I thought a lot about my relationship, and how I could rationalize cheating on my girlfriend as this is my first real relationship, I'm allowed some...trial and error. That's cute. That's a real cute excuse. But I'd still be the shit head in the situation.

But it would be empowering. Dostoevsky wrote in the Possessed about how suicide was man's ultimate expression of autonomy against God, well I suppose consciously cheating is the same thing for a relationship. Or I could just tell her the truth after the fact and see what would become of it. Honestly, I think she wouldn't be strong enough to dump me for it. Maybe she would just shun me for a few days, be broken hearted, then I'd saunter in, make some "cute" jokes, and win her back.

I was also thinking, how would I feel if she cheated on me? And I think it would just make me want to have her more, as it would bring recognition to its (the relationship's) ultimate fleetingness. Neither of us are going to stay together forever, so what difference does it make? But I also recognize what's wrong with this situation. Don't fuck with a sensitive girl's feelings. Don't do it, don't hurt her, she doesn't deserve that.


Hmm.. OK. So I can cheat on her, and as long as she doesn't find out, it's OK. No! That's even worse. I'd lose the virtue of candour and I couldn't actually say I "acted in my fullest autonomy to defy the boundaries of the relationship." But that's silly, stupidly more philosophical than I analyze anything I do, and is rationally superfluous to think about it like that. But that's all I'm doing, overthinking what I probably won't do. I might just be hitting that wall again, when I was first hesitant to be part of this entity. Committment vs non-committment. Well, I'll let you guys know what happens. Not that I really have a choice anyway.

my earliest creative memory

I remember being influenced by Walt Whitman in the 10th grade...my last really good creative moment was writing a poem like his...free verse, ending with something about trees in a hue of magnificent green. Maybe it was OK, but it was spontaneous! I did it in 30 minutes! I'm gonna ask my mentor if he still has it. OK, I just texted him. He probably won't get back to me for a little while.
Today so much needless driving, spark plugs, filters, chassies, metal grinding, pipes, chains, torques, wrenches, oil, oil and grease all over your hands and it's hard to scrape it off. Feeling the gasoline combust, feeling the vehicle move forward. Spending money on parts.

my day mystified

On my 10-minute break for cigarettes and a tea for my coworker, I maneuver up and down the streets of XXXXXX like a sullen Raskolnikov. The wind is piercing and harsh, like I imagine my boss will sound if he discovers I arrive back at minute eleven. The second cup of coffee provokes me not to work faster and more efficiently, but motivates a careless, capricious nature in me, and I read blogs and dick around. My boss is ten feet away, but faces the other direction. I take some risk in writing this post, but his attention is usually captured by the matters of better-paid, more important employees. Not that I want to be those people, of course. I am content working here only part time, while I get to fulfill my role as a student, friend and...lover during the other part of time. But I should really investigate one of those duties I am assigned. Ugh. The more I dread it and put it off, the harder it is to start. Well, at least it's a first-world problem.

Dostoevsky is

Dostoevsky is just a mid-19th century Sylvia Plath.
There. I said it.
No, but I think they've both drawn from similar influences. And fortunately D. wasn't a poet, or I'd have to read some poorly translated Russian poetry. That's a good motivation to learn Russian, actually. Being able to read Pushkin in his original tongue. As the Russians are so Pushkin-crazy, and since I haven't gotten that much out of his short story The Captain's Daughter, and actually prefer Lermontov in translated Russian poetry, I either need to read more of the man's work or learn more Russian.
But Notes from Underground is such a monumental work. I can't get started now, I'm running out of time. But it was certainly more enjoyable to read than the abysmal 10 pages I read of The Corrections. I'm not even going to write the author's name lest I'll turn up another Google search result for his name. So wordy, so pretentious. An experimental work that tried too hard.

restored faith

It was so lovely speaking with R yesterday. I loved hearing about what he was writing. He was writing a thousand words a day with no problem, his completed NaNoWriMo acted as the source code for his novel in progress. It involves Greek mythos in imagined, modern characters. One thing that came up, he told me, when he was younger, he was far more critical of his work, and now he can just "let go". And before it was more autobiographical, and now he is happy to write about real characters from a third person perspective. Perhaps it's easy to write about what hasn't actually happened after writing a bit more about what has actually happened. I need to write more about my accounts with Elaine and Carolyn. Oh boy. He restored my faith, just listening to me let out about what I'm passionate about - misadventures!

proust

Am I normal? Am I sick? Am I corrupted? Am I evil? These are how I feel when people respond to me. It is my fault sometimes, yes, and I am working on it. It was described to me that sometimes, when I am joking I use the same face I use when I am serious. Sure, I can work on that. Yes, that's OK. But i'm also funny with wit sometimes which isn't used in that respect. and it confuses me...i was at a social engagement. a few and i did'nt come off as my usual self. and sometimes I worry that if I think certain thoughts that they'll come true if I think about them. But I'm really big on...creating an environment where a dialogue, with a safe dialogue, where one can happen, and that we can have a conversationabout anything. that's why i don't give Give Ben any flak.

Everything should be discussed. Wait, no. That would be horrible!

Ahahah...let's agree, some things are better left unsaid. Even a brevity of speech, keeping it small and calculated would be best, but how am i gonna meet new people that way? a cute line? i need to come off less forced. iwould introduce myself to people that made eye contact and sound spastic. just be civil and casual. hey, i'm new in town. my name is marcus. was that so hard? no need to squirm or reel. ddddd or lets skip the intro duction too the intro duction off, this interdiction between ugh me and people i wnat to get to know or bang. or just kiss. i'll get to that later. it was interesting being interesting around that gay man. he was cute. i will admit that and there is nothing wrong with that. Sorry I got distracted. it's important to contemplate on the issues that make you feel ill. Gabe says he's aware of what usually makes him tick, that he's in sync with his autonomy. that's awesome.

i want to try what proust did but i realize its impossible to imitate, and worthless to aim for it. but his technique is worth trying. it would require roleplay, and my amount of dedication would have to mimick my acting skill. he was sick with asthma and had to stay at home. poor man. he is so wise. he was left with his papercrafting and memories and a pen. i wonder what his setup looked like. was it meagre or did it have a large desk and paintings, was he poor? was he ill? where does the whole madeleine thing come in anyway? i efel that way when i dip in cookies. i liked the descriptions that show how he goes into extreme detail, like the patterns on the napkins or the sound of water dripping onto a pipe, but aren't they ultimately pointless unless you can relate them to something? that would make...soemthing experimental if it doesn't relate, and genius if you can bound it to some sort of overarching theme. can you do that?