I've been trying to outline them, although my memory has been failing me. Here's what I've got so far. Wish I had some weed. Will add more as I remember more. Feel like this says a lot about me, and how I've progressed.
Feb 21st 2011 - today
Jan 2011 - Officially girlfriended
Aug 2010 - Started my part-time job for mental health website
June 2010 - Moved off-campus to first real apartment on my own dime
June 2010 - Finish first year at real college, wrote notable 16pg thesis
Nov 2009 - First drunken college hook-up. Remembered to wrap it. Thought I was in love with her and got shut down. Glad to learn that lesson early on.
Sept 2009 - Moved to this new city in this new state to this new college, on campus
Sept 2009 - Resigned from social media agency job, completed noteworthy final report while being served captains and coke by my superiors
June 2009 - Accepted to out of state college. Expensive, but necessary.
Spring 2009 - Finish semester at local community college on a high note. Studied philosophy and business law, can't remember what else
Late 2008 - Dropped out of first community college. frustrated with lack of friends, support, and 30 mile commute
June 2008 - Grandmother dies. Notice that I'm able to cry at funeral (I could not at my mother's) as I'm no longer on antidepressants.
Early 2008 - Finish half-assed semester at first community college. Loved abnormal psychology, but got a C. Want to be a therapist but don't want to go to grad school.
Late 2007 - Start paid internship at social media agency in downtown LA. Learn a lot.
Summer 2007 - Spend two weeks in Paris, France. Lived in hostels, visited museums, pub crawls, late nights on my lonesome and with quickly-found friends. loved every minute of it. Paid for it with some college money my grandmother invested for me. Don't know where most of it went. Lived frugally otherwise.
Summer 2007 - Graduated from local high school. 2.8 weighted GPA
Spring 2007 - Continued Psychotherapy with famous MFT therapist. Can't remember if this was before or after Paris, or if Paris trip was in the middle.
Early 2007 - Get my driver's license. Delayed by arrest in 2006.
Early 2007 - Dad loses his job as mail room manager for WGA pension fund. He was there for 28 years. Gets a minor pension, but we lose our health insurance.
Dec 21st, 2006 - My mother loses battle with breast cancer at age 52. Read poem for large crowd at memorial service. Dress in all black. Cruel enjoyment in pathos. Enjoy the wake at step-dad's house in Ventura county. Mom was cremated.
June 2006 - My mom's wedding with my step-father. I mix muscle relaxants with alcohol and pass out in my aunt's Explorer.
Mid 2006 - Seeing psychiatrist in private practice for depression and anxiety (concurrent with seeing psychotherapist). Through this doctor, I experiment with Paxil, Welbutrin, Lexapro, and Effexor.
Mid 2006 - Pulled over and arrested on major street in my suburban hellhole on my way to Taco Bell. Driving without a license (just permit) blowing 0.04 BAC. (2 glasses of wine). Takes me longer to get my license. Fortunately, at my court hearing, the case was thrown out. Otherwise I would have had a DUI on my record at age 16. Blame my impulsiveness on the new Lexapro regimen.
Fall 2006 - Start senior year at local high school. Must take community college courses for credit to graduate.
April 2006 - Mom's divorce from Dad finalized.
Spring 2006 - Win award for best feature article in my school's newspaper - interviewed and wrote about teacher's Celtic band sideproject.
Fall 2005 - Junior year at local high school. Meet mentor who I'm still in contact with. Discover interest in writing and literature and possible potential. Still haven't taken full advantage of it. Can't believe that was 6 years ago...
Late 2004 - Graduate from drug court program. Acquitted of all felonies. Stepdad attends. Hard to believe he was in my life at this point.
Late 2004 - School cop told my mother I was suspected of stealing a red bull from local grocery store. We agree to transfer me to local high school in the next year.
Fall 2004 - Witness riot and "rumble" between blacks and mexicans at first high school from science building during chem class. Managed to get a C in that class, I think.
Mid 2004 - Start developing rituals of doing drugs alone. Painkillers, weed, amphetamines, and DXM. These rituals subside a bit during my time in drug court, as I'm being drug tested and can't smoke weed. But they increase during my junior year in high school.
Mid 2004 - Spend a lot of time on internet forum and playing internet games with internet friends. Look at pictures of naked women. Make dick jokes with anonymous fools. Play a lot of WarCraft III. Feel closer to friends on the internet than any of my classmates.
Mid 2004 - Realize my parents aren't getting along so well. Realize they are in debt.
Fall 2004 - Second year in high school. Anxious, but have friends. Not the best circle, but beats being a loner. Get bullied by a hardass group. This year sucks a lot more than the first year. Good friends leave or get kicked out. Try to spend time by myself a lot, but can't free myself from horrible people.
January 11th, 2004 - Arrested near first high school by undercover detectives while trying to smoke pot in an abandoned house with some dude. 2 felonies, with a tiny bit a meth and a single Vicodin pill. 10 months of my life devoted to California state Drug Court rehab system. DA said I would have done time in juvie if I wasn't white. Pretty fucked.
Fall 2003 - First year in high school. Meet some people who will influence me, for better or for worse, for the rest of my life. First close, cool friends...all who happen to do drugs, hooray! Get drunk for the first time. Get stoned for the first time.
June 2003 - Graduate from middle school. Ugly. Hate myself. Traumatized. First symptoms of social anxiety appear in 8th grade. Memories of hanging out at the mall with middle school girls and boys. Mostly awkward and uncomfortable. Kiss a girl or two. Innocent at best.
that's it for now. gotta go to bed.
joke life
Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My sweet aunt and my silly privileged American life
Today my aunt called me at about 5pm today. She says, how are you doing, are there any new developments in your life, how is work, how is school, etc. Most things anyone's aunt would ask them. An aunt who is distant and whom one can only visit once every year, or every other year. I tell her about what I'm studying, how much I enjoy it, how I like my professors and faculty, how I like my college, how I like my job, what I'm doing there and what I like about it, how my father is doing, lying if he is not doing well, but using an unsure tone if I am so she may understand without me speaking negative about him, what great things he is doing, how happy he is doing these things.
Maybe you are noticing a pattern. I do not think my situation is unique. There is so much I wish I could tell my aunt. She calls me every other Sunday if possible, ever since I lost my mother. I could tell my mom a little more, maybe a lot more. Yes, I could tell her almost everything! Somehow, sometime I will.
I should have told my aunt about what I did last night, why didn't I? I don't appreciate people being vague, why am I doing it myself? I think I was just startled and upset by her call, and when I am startled and upset, I play it safe by dealing with generalities. Much like the small talk at work.
I want to do more drugs. I wish I could find some opiates, some hydrocodone, oh that would be splendid, laying here, eating some ice cream, gazing at Dostoevsky's writing and...well, provided I could still follow the novel, it would be nice. In the past I had taken too much and I would just vegetate in front of my computer listening to ambient music and wasting my high time in front of mindless internet forums with stupid people arguing about how stupid the other person was.
Oh dear. What am I going to do with my life? My slightly older cousin will soon finish his business degree. My uncle, the Canadian capitalist, strongly believes his son will find a job in their Candadian economy in 5 minutes, starting between forty and sixty thousand Canadian dollars a year. After speaking to my mentor about this, the frailties in my uncle's comparison between my and my slightly older Canadian cousin became clear: If I pursued a degree in business, I would want to kill myself! -in a miserable fury, a kind of fury that lurks in the back of your mind, and writhes more as you age and fail to appease the objectives you set out to complete years ago. That sort of fury that triggers quarter and mid-life crises! I may be less attractive than my Canadian cousin, and while I could never muster the votes for my branded self to be Student Body President (of XXX private Christian college {UGH! GAG!}), I am a far more interesting person, with my struggles, my battles, my anguish, my old poverty, my rage, my highs, my ecstasies, elements he will never know! I am special! Listen to me! Hire me! Also, he'll have to work in offices! I have learned, in my work and experience, that offices are the bane of consciousness! The classroom, the studio, the library, the lecture hall, the streets, the outdoors, the kitchen and the bedroom are where things of importance spawn! And my girlfriend's on birth control, so let's just say things of importance happen there, not spawn. I'm too queer to be a breeder, but not queer enough to play with the boys. I know, I know. God made me this way. If only there was something I could do to remove this curse...but let's not go there today.
I know, I'm not modest here, I don't have to be. I am being silly, too. And I am hungry, so I will leave this library (where something of importance is spawning) for the kitchen (where something of importance will spawn).
As for what I'm going to do with my life, I'm going to drive home, make some tortellini, maybe drink some wine, get to page 60 in this novel, play a video game, and who knows what else, but I'm going to enjoy it. I've been working my ass off, except for last night, I need to take it easy, on my own. God bless America.
Maybe my cousin will make 40-60K CEOing the company that Trader Joe's imports their tortellini from.
Nah...
I don't think any of their products come from Canada.
Maybe you are noticing a pattern. I do not think my situation is unique. There is so much I wish I could tell my aunt. She calls me every other Sunday if possible, ever since I lost my mother. I could tell my mom a little more, maybe a lot more. Yes, I could tell her almost everything! Somehow, sometime I will.
I should have told my aunt about what I did last night, why didn't I? I don't appreciate people being vague, why am I doing it myself? I think I was just startled and upset by her call, and when I am startled and upset, I play it safe by dealing with generalities. Much like the small talk at work.
I want to do more drugs. I wish I could find some opiates, some hydrocodone, oh that would be splendid, laying here, eating some ice cream, gazing at Dostoevsky's writing and...well, provided I could still follow the novel, it would be nice. In the past I had taken too much and I would just vegetate in front of my computer listening to ambient music and wasting my high time in front of mindless internet forums with stupid people arguing about how stupid the other person was.
Oh dear. What am I going to do with my life? My slightly older cousin will soon finish his business degree. My uncle, the Canadian capitalist, strongly believes his son will find a job in their Candadian economy in 5 minutes, starting between forty and sixty thousand Canadian dollars a year. After speaking to my mentor about this, the frailties in my uncle's comparison between my and my slightly older Canadian cousin became clear: If I pursued a degree in business, I would want to kill myself! -in a miserable fury, a kind of fury that lurks in the back of your mind, and writhes more as you age and fail to appease the objectives you set out to complete years ago. That sort of fury that triggers quarter and mid-life crises! I may be less attractive than my Canadian cousin, and while I could never muster the votes for my branded self to be Student Body President (of XXX private Christian college {UGH! GAG!}), I am a far more interesting person, with my struggles, my battles, my anguish, my old poverty, my rage, my highs, my ecstasies, elements he will never know! I am special! Listen to me! Hire me! Also, he'll have to work in offices! I have learned, in my work and experience, that offices are the bane of consciousness! The classroom, the studio, the library, the lecture hall, the streets, the outdoors, the kitchen and the bedroom are where things of importance spawn! And my girlfriend's on birth control, so let's just say things of importance happen there, not spawn. I'm too queer to be a breeder, but not queer enough to play with the boys. I know, I know. God made me this way. If only there was something I could do to remove this curse...but let's not go there today.
I know, I'm not modest here, I don't have to be. I am being silly, too. And I am hungry, so I will leave this library (where something of importance is spawning) for the kitchen (where something of importance will spawn).
As for what I'm going to do with my life, I'm going to drive home, make some tortellini, maybe drink some wine, get to page 60 in this novel, play a video game, and who knows what else, but I'm going to enjoy it. I've been working my ass off, except for last night, I need to take it easy, on my own. God bless America.
Maybe my cousin will make 40-60K CEOing the company that Trader Joe's imports their tortellini from.
Nah...
I don't think any of their products come from Canada.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
back in school now, my letter to popular career blogger
Dear XXX,
My name is Marcus Nagelberg. I'm going to stop there and tell you that I didn't realize how long this email would become, but I've written much of what needed to be written about me, but I can assure you, that every word of it is important because it comes from the heart! I am writing this covertly because it's an important use of my time, and I respect how accessible your email address is on your blog. That matters to me, as it shows you are willing to listen!
I'm a student at XXXXXXXX, a non-traditional, liberal arts college, as well as an employee for a startup called XXXXXX.org, although I've been spending a number of paid hours reading your old blog posts. I enjoyed what you said about Tim Feriss - all I got out of his 4-hour work week book was that, if I have my own business at some point, I can pay people in India to tie my shoes for me, but, as I have learned working my current job, they can't tell you if you're not respecting your employees.
So, I live in sort of a rich dad, poor dad scenario, although I lack much guidance from the rich dad. My father, my "poor dad" who is currently in grad school for an MFA in theatre arts, (he wants to direct, produce, and/or teach professional theatre) loves me, cares for me, and since my wealthy grandfather passed last year, is able to help me pay for school out of state, thank God.
But the best advice he can give me, as I go to school in XXXXXX - and he lives in suburban XXXX, where I was born and raised - is how to be an employee. It sounds like slave morality - "Do a good job, impress your boss, and maybe he'll keep you around and give you more responsibilities." I don't want to live my life like that. Though I'm doing it now, because I'm just getting started and want to absorb as much knowledge as I can and I must support myself while in college. But I'm very fortunate to learn at the ripe age of 21, that as interested as I am in social media, internet technology, and small business, I don't want to work in an office for the rest of my life.
It has been my understanding, that what many people have studied in their formal education is largely different from their career and/or vocational work. So, I have made decisions with my education to study what is best learned in an academic environment (current emphasis on Russian and Eurasian history, literature, language, and culture) and learn more lucrative things from jobs and internships. I am beginning to think I have made some poor choices. Well, probably not, seeing as I'm only 21. I don't want to get any older. Mentally, I feel 35. I want to be young and virile forever. But that's another story.
I just spent this Christmas with my Aunt and Uncle and their two sons and my second cousin. My uncle is very wealthy and is able to support his hobby of collecting and storing Corvettes. He has a passion for these cars like I have a passion for literature and music, but he knows he can't make much money from Corvettes, so he makes money via other means to support his hobby. He dropped out of college and developed a piece of software for mining engineers and sold it and made millions, and will probably start a new business this year to create a 2.0 version of the software and market it through the website. But the point is, he figured it out, he had a plan and went for it.
My argument is that he couldn't have done it all himself. He had his colleagues, his old coworkers from his old firm, his network to pool investors from. That he didn't come up with his plan until it crept up on him. And that's what I'm getting to. His son, my cousin, is graduating with a business degree from some Christian private college and my uncle is confident that he'll get a job paying $50-70K right away, as the economy is great in Calgary (where they are), and that they are looking for people like him. But does he really have a plan? He's student body president, people like him, possibly a natural leader, etc. I don't think he has a plan. He's just pretty and privileged and has a wealthy father to give him all the advice and connections he'll ever need. I don't have those things. I have to find them all myself.
I spent nearly two years as a paid, part-time intern and researcher at a social media marketing startup that blossomed in Los Angeles and expanded to NY and London. Of course, as an employee, my hourly rate never reflected the company's success. I couldn't get a promotion, as I was part-time. But I learned a hell of a lot and got some great referrals. I should do more to keep in touch.
Now I work at another small business. It started off great this summer, and I've been out of the house at 7 or 8am, either for school or work. I bust my ass more than any of my friends do. And the pay is good for this small city, better than I'd probably get anywhere else, part-time, as a literature/history student. But I'm really starting to hate the office environment. My job responsibilities have changed, like, every 6 weeks, there's weird structures and chains of command that elicit the worst in some people's personalities. And for some reason, my title is "Project Manager". That'll look good on a resume. I just don't know where I'd apply. I love working with computers, just not in a room with other people who I feel want to eat my brains when I die. And I find it truly sickening to see people more loyal to their superiors than the people they manage. My father worked in a place like this for longer than I've been alive to support his former wife, me, and to pay our mortgage. I should note that it's nowhere near getting paid off and costs more than the house is worth.
And I don't want to be a lifer, either. The other lady who used to manage me (until she took over my projects) has no life outside of this company. She recently went back to get her college degree and has been here a month longer than I have. I bet I could do her job and make good money, but I don't want to be consumed. She gets calls and emails from our director at home, on weekends. She'll come in at 7, leave at 3, but go home to do more work. She puts in a lot of hours, but she really needs to get laid. I agree with you, it does a lot more for a person getting laid once a week than once a month. I think I'm gonna go steady with this girl just because of what you said. (She comes back from Texas today, hooray!)
But it's also a really great site! It is ... XXXXXX. But please don't say anything about it or my boss will find out and kill me. But it's going places. We're the {description and ranking}! It's amazing. I wholeheartedly recommend it. The job isn't that bad, I just want to dick around a lot. I ask myself how much has changed since I was hired, and in some senses, a lot, and in some senses, not fucking much. My projects have certainly changed, and I've been "disciplined" too. It doesn't really matter now, but I'm just here to pay my bills. I've taken in some alternative measures, in "reassessing my core beliefs" and some yogi maxims and mumbo jumbo, but I just feel like shit here and I can't help it! The only thing I'm trying to do different is outside the office is, read your blog, start Tweeting and following interesting (career/academically) people on Twitter and I'm emailing the heads of Rotary clubs in my area because they might offer me some networking opportunities. I want to start my own thing. I just don't know what. But the issue is, where do I go from here? Compile a list of my interests and see what I can pursue to make money?
I want to travel, I want to live abroad. I'm learning that I love history. And I love literature. I think it's really important. I love Bukowski, Bronte, Plath, Camus, Wilde, Gogol and many other dead people's works. I'm learning Russian, I want to go to Russia and learn Russian. Why? Because it's a badass language. But I used to think that I'm ahead of my liberal arts colleagues at my liberal arts college with my vocational background, but I'm starting to doubt it as I really don't have much of a plan. I really trust my Uncle, my rich dad on this one. But I think I need to go out and see the world more in order to build one. I feel, on one hand I need to go out into the world, post-collegiate, bump around a bit, and then I'll be able to get a better perspective of what plan I can focus on. On the other hand, my uncle believes I need to have a plan now, while I'm in school, and follow up immediately afterward with some sort of career.
Please advise.
Your fan,
Marcus Nagelberg
My name is Marcus Nagelberg. I'm going to stop there and tell you that I didn't realize how long this email would become, but I've written much of what needed to be written about me, but I can assure you, that every word of it is important because it comes from the heart! I am writing this covertly because it's an important use of my time, and I respect how accessible your email address is on your blog. That matters to me, as it shows you are willing to listen!
I'm a student at XXXXXXXX, a non-traditional, liberal arts college, as well as an employee for a startup called XXXXXX.org, although I've been spending a number of paid hours reading your old blog posts. I enjoyed what you said about Tim Feriss - all I got out of his 4-hour work week book was that, if I have my own business at some point, I can pay people in India to tie my shoes for me, but, as I have learned working my current job, they can't tell you if you're not respecting your employees.
So, I live in sort of a rich dad, poor dad scenario, although I lack much guidance from the rich dad. My father, my "poor dad" who is currently in grad school for an MFA in theatre arts, (he wants to direct, produce, and/or teach professional theatre) loves me, cares for me, and since my wealthy grandfather passed last year, is able to help me pay for school out of state, thank God.
But the best advice he can give me, as I go to school in XXXXXX - and he lives in suburban XXXX, where I was born and raised - is how to be an employee. It sounds like slave morality - "Do a good job, impress your boss, and maybe he'll keep you around and give you more responsibilities." I don't want to live my life like that. Though I'm doing it now, because I'm just getting started and want to absorb as much knowledge as I can and I must support myself while in college. But I'm very fortunate to learn at the ripe age of 21, that as interested as I am in social media, internet technology, and small business, I don't want to work in an office for the rest of my life.
It has been my understanding, that what many people have studied in their formal education is largely different from their career and/or vocational work. So, I have made decisions with my education to study what is best learned in an academic environment (current emphasis on Russian and Eurasian history, literature, language, and culture) and learn more lucrative things from jobs and internships. I am beginning to think I have made some poor choices. Well, probably not, seeing as I'm only 21. I don't want to get any older. Mentally, I feel 35. I want to be young and virile forever. But that's another story.
I just spent this Christmas with my Aunt and Uncle and their two sons and my second cousin. My uncle is very wealthy and is able to support his hobby of collecting and storing Corvettes. He has a passion for these cars like I have a passion for literature and music, but he knows he can't make much money from Corvettes, so he makes money via other means to support his hobby. He dropped out of college and developed a piece of software for mining engineers and sold it and made millions, and will probably start a new business this year to create a 2.0 version of the software and market it through the website. But the point is, he figured it out, he had a plan and went for it.
My argument is that he couldn't have done it all himself. He had his colleagues, his old coworkers from his old firm, his network to pool investors from. That he didn't come up with his plan until it crept up on him. And that's what I'm getting to. His son, my cousin, is graduating with a business degree from some Christian private college and my uncle is confident that he'll get a job paying $50-70K right away, as the economy is great in Calgary (where they are), and that they are looking for people like him. But does he really have a plan? He's student body president, people like him, possibly a natural leader, etc. I don't think he has a plan. He's just pretty and privileged and has a wealthy father to give him all the advice and connections he'll ever need. I don't have those things. I have to find them all myself.
I spent nearly two years as a paid, part-time intern and researcher at a social media marketing startup that blossomed in Los Angeles and expanded to NY and London. Of course, as an employee, my hourly rate never reflected the company's success. I couldn't get a promotion, as I was part-time. But I learned a hell of a lot and got some great referrals. I should do more to keep in touch.
Now I work at another small business. It started off great this summer, and I've been out of the house at 7 or 8am, either for school or work. I bust my ass more than any of my friends do. And the pay is good for this small city, better than I'd probably get anywhere else, part-time, as a literature/history student. But I'm really starting to hate the office environment. My job responsibilities have changed, like, every 6 weeks, there's weird structures and chains of command that elicit the worst in some people's personalities. And for some reason, my title is "Project Manager". That'll look good on a resume. I just don't know where I'd apply. I love working with computers, just not in a room with other people who I feel want to eat my brains when I die. And I find it truly sickening to see people more loyal to their superiors than the people they manage. My father worked in a place like this for longer than I've been alive to support his former wife, me, and to pay our mortgage. I should note that it's nowhere near getting paid off and costs more than the house is worth.
And I don't want to be a lifer, either. The other lady who used to manage me (until she took over my projects) has no life outside of this company. She recently went back to get her college degree and has been here a month longer than I have. I bet I could do her job and make good money, but I don't want to be consumed. She gets calls and emails from our director at home, on weekends. She'll come in at 7, leave at 3, but go home to do more work. She puts in a lot of hours, but she really needs to get laid. I agree with you, it does a lot more for a person getting laid once a week than once a month. I think I'm gonna go steady with this girl just because of what you said. (She comes back from Texas today, hooray!)
But it's also a really great site! It is ... XXXXXX. But please don't say anything about it or my boss will find out and kill me. But it's going places. We're the {description and ranking}! It's amazing. I wholeheartedly recommend it. The job isn't that bad, I just want to dick around a lot. I ask myself how much has changed since I was hired, and in some senses, a lot, and in some senses, not fucking much. My projects have certainly changed, and I've been "disciplined" too. It doesn't really matter now, but I'm just here to pay my bills. I've taken in some alternative measures, in "reassessing my core beliefs" and some yogi maxims and mumbo jumbo, but I just feel like shit here and I can't help it! The only thing I'm trying to do different is outside the office is, read your blog, start Tweeting and following interesting (career/academically) people on Twitter and I'm emailing the heads of Rotary clubs in my area because they might offer me some networking opportunities. I want to start my own thing. I just don't know what. But the issue is, where do I go from here? Compile a list of my interests and see what I can pursue to make money?
I want to travel, I want to live abroad. I'm learning that I love history. And I love literature. I think it's really important. I love Bukowski, Bronte, Plath, Camus, Wilde, Gogol and many other dead people's works. I'm learning Russian, I want to go to Russia and learn Russian. Why? Because it's a badass language. But I used to think that I'm ahead of my liberal arts colleagues at my liberal arts college with my vocational background, but I'm starting to doubt it as I really don't have much of a plan. I really trust my Uncle, my rich dad on this one. But I think I need to go out and see the world more in order to build one. I feel, on one hand I need to go out into the world, post-collegiate, bump around a bit, and then I'll be able to get a better perspective of what plan I can focus on. On the other hand, my uncle believes I need to have a plan now, while I'm in school, and follow up immediately afterward with some sort of career.
Please advise.
Your fan,
Marcus Nagelberg
Sunday, November 14, 2010
girls
That sorta been intimate with in the past few years. I feel like girls do this so I should do it, too.
Brandee - Shitty name, but nice girl. Encounters with her proved O's point about movie theaters - how they're like legalized prostitution - because they're usually an excuse to get dirty and intimate with someone. We did that three times and got further each time. I guess they're useful for that since they're dark, and there's also the ominous concern/turn-on about getting caught. I don't know how we were ever considered "dating" but it felt like it. In those dismal, painful, humiliating days of the first high school (which I realize I'm now able to not think about anymore, though the unresolved conflicts will probably return in therapy at some point down the line) her company definitely made me feel better about myself.
Jessica R. - I miss her as a dear friend. There was that one funny time with Eve in the Hallmark bathroom and the Jack Daniel's. I think we stole a total of three bottles from Gelson's and drank them. I didn't really get that drunk. There was the assumption that since I was a drunk guy I wanted to have sex with her, but I pretended to fumble with my weird 2-pronged belt until we got caught and shooed out by an employee. Eve sitting there in the corner made me turbo uncomfortable. This didn't go anywhere, but it showed me what was possible.
Joany, I think is what she went by - Colin and Daniel and some kid who knew people at the door of this 21+ club in Malibu drove there and drank and danced. I picked up some girl - kissed her, took her to my car. We fucked around, she was a terrible kisser. I was on painkillers and uncomfortable in the backseat of my car and couldn't get it up. Daniel and her cousin went to retrieve her while my flaccid penis was in her mouth. My friends thought I was a champ. I didn't feel like one, but I did learn what it was like to be the guy who sort of "scored". I tried to hang out with her after, but it never materialized. This theme returns later in my life, in college.
Cl - Took me 20 years but finally lost it in a great drunken hook-up in the room I was lucky I didn't have to share until midway thru winter quarter. That was a fun night, I just regret trying to call and text her so much, even considering e-mailing her, thinking we had something shared between us except bodily fluids. At least she still smiles at me in the hallways. Although we can't really communicate beyond the pedestrian level. Maybe I'll just tell her, "Remember the time we fucked last year?" and she how she reacts. What's the worst that could happen?
W - Cool writer lady graduate student who kissed me on my birthday. Dated. Had sex. Had a lot of sex actually for a period of 2-3 months, and learned a lot about it. I think I loved her at some point. But she got depressed and it was a turn off for me so I told her we just wanted to be friends. I think she delivers pizzas in Seattle now. But she looks good and is sexy and I wish her the best.
Jessica - Man she is cool. I miss her. She came from an art school in New York to visit one of the friends in our circle (a girl she was "married" to), and we hung out and bonded. Her and her "wife", and her kinda boyfriend and my friend B were going to drive to Vancouver that weekend. The good Vancouver up north, not the shitty Washington one. After getting kinda close and comfy with this Jessica, it sounded like a plan. Plus, the unspoken "double date/trip" of it would be helpful for B, who's relationship with the friend was just beginning to blossom, (though, now, it's starting to get moldy). It was a great trip, we got super wasted at a club in Canada and we all got laid. But the devil is in the details. S (B's girl) got SUPER wasted and got angry that Bob wasn't performing...spectacularly, and even asked me, in a daze, if I could satisfy her. Eventually, they got it down, though. My partner and I were REALLY into it on the dancefloor, and didn't care about any of the glances around us. Mmm...but back at the hotel, which I almost wasn't able to get back into (!!!) at 2AMish in the Vancouver slums, it wasn't so great. We got under the covers and got naked and started doing it, but, hmm...I don't really remember what happened. I think I went to put a condom on and she was passed the fuck out. I know I did stick it in though (before she fell asleep, mind you!) and I guess that counts. I will see her again, some time. What a story!
J - One of my friend's roommates I'd go out, as a group, on lonely nights to drink. Kind of cold. Not initially attracted to, until she cut her hair, actually. Usually I'm less superficial, but I also began to see her in a different light. I was bored and read a handful of PUA e-books, which had a minor impact on me and made me more confident about going out with her. Made out with her in front of a dying campfire on her roommate's birthday. I loved that. Went on two awkward dates after until she messaged me, saying to come over, had awesome unexpected sex. Did that a couple more times, got clingy, turned her off, didn't hear back because she was a bad communicator, in my opinion. But we might see each other again. (UPDATE 1/30/11: I don't think we're going to see each other again)
J - I'll talk about this another time.
K - This is new and kind of a nice casual, yet fucking-loving relationship we have, mostly because she is upfront about her other male suitors. I'll talk about this more another time. (UPDATE 1/30/11: she got a boyfriend and I got a girlfriend, the J above that I'll talk about another time. I have already, actually. Me and K still talk though.)
Brandee - Shitty name, but nice girl. Encounters with her proved O's point about movie theaters - how they're like legalized prostitution - because they're usually an excuse to get dirty and intimate with someone. We did that three times and got further each time. I guess they're useful for that since they're dark, and there's also the ominous concern/turn-on about getting caught. I don't know how we were ever considered "dating" but it felt like it. In those dismal, painful, humiliating days of the first high school (which I realize I'm now able to not think about anymore, though the unresolved conflicts will probably return in therapy at some point down the line) her company definitely made me feel better about myself.
Jessica R. - I miss her as a dear friend. There was that one funny time with Eve in the Hallmark bathroom and the Jack Daniel's. I think we stole a total of three bottles from Gelson's and drank them. I didn't really get that drunk. There was the assumption that since I was a drunk guy I wanted to have sex with her, but I pretended to fumble with my weird 2-pronged belt until we got caught and shooed out by an employee. Eve sitting there in the corner made me turbo uncomfortable. This didn't go anywhere, but it showed me what was possible.
Joany, I think is what she went by - Colin and Daniel and some kid who knew people at the door of this 21+ club in Malibu drove there and drank and danced. I picked up some girl - kissed her, took her to my car. We fucked around, she was a terrible kisser. I was on painkillers and uncomfortable in the backseat of my car and couldn't get it up. Daniel and her cousin went to retrieve her while my flaccid penis was in her mouth. My friends thought I was a champ. I didn't feel like one, but I did learn what it was like to be the guy who sort of "scored". I tried to hang out with her after, but it never materialized. This theme returns later in my life, in college.
Cl - Took me 20 years but finally lost it in a great drunken hook-up in the room I was lucky I didn't have to share until midway thru winter quarter. That was a fun night, I just regret trying to call and text her so much, even considering e-mailing her, thinking we had something shared between us except bodily fluids. At least she still smiles at me in the hallways. Although we can't really communicate beyond the pedestrian level. Maybe I'll just tell her, "Remember the time we fucked last year?" and she how she reacts. What's the worst that could happen?
W - Cool writer lady graduate student who kissed me on my birthday. Dated. Had sex. Had a lot of sex actually for a period of 2-3 months, and learned a lot about it. I think I loved her at some point. But she got depressed and it was a turn off for me so I told her we just wanted to be friends. I think she delivers pizzas in Seattle now. But she looks good and is sexy and I wish her the best.
Jessica - Man she is cool. I miss her. She came from an art school in New York to visit one of the friends in our circle (a girl she was "married" to), and we hung out and bonded. Her and her "wife", and her kinda boyfriend and my friend B were going to drive to Vancouver that weekend. The good Vancouver up north, not the shitty Washington one. After getting kinda close and comfy with this Jessica, it sounded like a plan. Plus, the unspoken "double date/trip" of it would be helpful for B, who's relationship with the friend was just beginning to blossom, (though, now, it's starting to get moldy). It was a great trip, we got super wasted at a club in Canada and we all got laid. But the devil is in the details. S (B's girl) got SUPER wasted and got angry that Bob wasn't performing...spectacularly, and even asked me, in a daze, if I could satisfy her. Eventually, they got it down, though. My partner and I were REALLY into it on the dancefloor, and didn't care about any of the glances around us. Mmm...but back at the hotel, which I almost wasn't able to get back into (!!!) at 2AMish in the Vancouver slums, it wasn't so great. We got under the covers and got naked and started doing it, but, hmm...I don't really remember what happened. I think I went to put a condom on and she was passed the fuck out. I know I did stick it in though (before she fell asleep, mind you!) and I guess that counts. I will see her again, some time. What a story!
J - One of my friend's roommates I'd go out, as a group, on lonely nights to drink. Kind of cold. Not initially attracted to, until she cut her hair, actually. Usually I'm less superficial, but I also began to see her in a different light. I was bored and read a handful of PUA e-books, which had a minor impact on me and made me more confident about going out with her. Made out with her in front of a dying campfire on her roommate's birthday. I loved that. Went on two awkward dates after until she messaged me, saying to come over, had awesome unexpected sex. Did that a couple more times, got clingy, turned her off, didn't hear back because she was a bad communicator, in my opinion. But we might see each other again. (UPDATE 1/30/11: I don't think we're going to see each other again)
J - I'll talk about this another time.
K - This is new and kind of a nice casual, yet fucking-loving relationship we have, mostly because she is upfront about her other male suitors. I'll talk about this more another time. (UPDATE 1/30/11: she got a boyfriend and I got a girlfriend, the J above that I'll talk about another time. I have already, actually. Me and K still talk though.)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
shapely thighs
Sick. Not just that coughing, illness-feeling sickness malaise. But a spiritual sickness that follows with it. The limbs and head ache, the body is so heavy and hard to move, the cough comes from the stomach, the mucous is disgustingly green and gross and seems to be everywhere. It's worst when the nose fills up all the way and you can't even breath. you don't want to.
And i say to people, i'm "kind of sick" because the truth is I feel sick almost every day in some way. i should go to the health center tomorrow. i think i have chronic sinus infections. I think I feel terrible.
This lady we saw today was stunning. She was also one of the few women in the film industry, capable of producing her own, or her husband's (she referred to him as her partner) films. She worked for a s oftware company and did artistic design too. one of her most viral projects was when she attached a camera to around her cat's neck and had it romp around for 24 hours. this made her cat famous. some of the pictures were so beautiful. that cat was so precious, you could tell they did well by the look of her cat.
the drugs don't work. that's why i'm afraid. i know how to self-medicate, but i don't know how to give myself surgery. i am still worried. i keep spacing out even though i am well-rested. maybe i should just sleep until i feel amazing. i know that won't happen. i don't want to be so depressed. i want to spread love all around the world. spread cream cheese on every bagel. spread apart every pair of big and shapely thighs. isn't that what i was made for? isn't that what i love.
And i say to people, i'm "kind of sick" because the truth is I feel sick almost every day in some way. i should go to the health center tomorrow. i think i have chronic sinus infections. I think I feel terrible.
This lady we saw today was stunning. She was also one of the few women in the film industry, capable of producing her own, or her husband's (she referred to him as her partner) films. She worked for a s oftware company and did artistic design too. one of her most viral projects was when she attached a camera to around her cat's neck and had it romp around for 24 hours. this made her cat famous. some of the pictures were so beautiful. that cat was so precious, you could tell they did well by the look of her cat.
the drugs don't work. that's why i'm afraid. i know how to self-medicate, but i don't know how to give myself surgery. i am still worried. i keep spacing out even though i am well-rested. maybe i should just sleep until i feel amazing. i know that won't happen. i don't want to be so depressed. i want to spread love all around the world. spread cream cheese on every bagel. spread apart every pair of big and shapely thighs. isn't that what i was made for? isn't that what i love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)