my last 7 years

I've been trying to outline them, although my memory has been failing me. Here's what I've got so far. Wish I had some weed. Will add more as I remember more. Feel like this says a lot about me, and how I've progressed.

Feb 21st 2011 - today
Jan 2011 - Officially girlfriended

Aug 2010 - Started my part-time job for mental health website
June 2010 - Moved off-campus to first real apartment on my own dime
June 2010 - Finish first year at real college, wrote notable 16pg thesis

Nov 2009 - First drunken college hook-up. Remembered to wrap it. Thought I was in love with her and got shut down. Glad to learn that lesson early on.
Sept 2009 - Moved to this new city in this new state to this new college, on campus
Sept 2009 - Resigned from social media agency job, completed noteworthy final report while being served captains and coke by my superiors
June 2009 - Accepted to out of state college. Expensive, but necessary.
Spring 2009 - Finish semester at local community college on a high note. Studied philosophy and business law, can't remember what else

Late 2008 - Dropped out of first community college. frustrated with lack of friends, support, and 30 mile commute
June 2008 - Grandmother dies. Notice that I'm able to cry at funeral (I could not at my mother's) as I'm no longer on antidepressants.
Early 2008 - Finish half-assed semester at first community college. Loved abnormal psychology, but got a C. Want to be a therapist but don't want to go to grad school.

Late 2007 - Start paid internship at social media agency in downtown LA. Learn a lot.
Summer 2007 - Spend two weeks in Paris, France. Lived in hostels, visited museums, pub crawls, late nights on my lonesome and with quickly-found friends. loved every minute of it. Paid for it with some college money my grandmother invested for me. Don't know where most of it went. Lived frugally otherwise.
Summer 2007 - Graduated from local high school. 2.8 weighted GPA
Spring 2007 - Continued Psychotherapy with famous MFT therapist. Can't remember if this was before or after Paris, or if Paris trip was in the middle.
Early 2007 - Get my driver's license. Delayed by arrest in 2006.
Early 2007 - Dad loses his job as mail room manager for WGA pension fund. He was there for 28 years. Gets a minor pension, but we lose our health insurance.

Dec 21st, 2006 - My mother loses battle with breast cancer at age 52. Read poem for large crowd at memorial service. Dress in all black. Cruel enjoyment in pathos. Enjoy the wake at step-dad's house in Ventura county. Mom was cremated.
June 2006 - My mom's wedding with my step-father. I mix muscle relaxants with alcohol and pass out in my aunt's Explorer.
Mid 2006 - Seeing psychiatrist in private practice for depression and anxiety (concurrent with seeing psychotherapist). Through this doctor, I experiment with Paxil, Welbutrin, Lexapro, and Effexor.
Mid 2006 - Pulled over and arrested on major street in my suburban hellhole on my way to Taco Bell. Driving without a license (just permit) blowing 0.04 BAC. (2 glasses of wine). Takes me longer to get my license. Fortunately, at my court hearing, the case was thrown out. Otherwise I would have had a DUI on my record at age 16. Blame my impulsiveness on the new Lexapro regimen.
Fall 2006 - Start senior year at local high school. Must take community college courses for credit to graduate.
April 2006 - Mom's divorce from Dad finalized.
Spring 2006 - Win award for best feature article in my school's newspaper - interviewed and wrote about teacher's Celtic band sideproject.

Fall 2005 - Junior year at local high school. Meet mentor who I'm still in contact with. Discover interest in writing and literature and possible potential. Still haven't taken full advantage of it. Can't believe that was 6 years ago...

Late 2004 - Graduate from drug court program. Acquitted of all felonies. Stepdad attends. Hard to believe he was in my life at this point.
Late 2004 - School cop told my mother I was suspected of stealing a red bull from local grocery store. We agree to transfer me to local high school in the next year.
Fall 2004 - Witness riot and "rumble" between blacks and mexicans at first high school from science building during chem class. Managed to get a C in that class, I think.
Mid 2004 - Start developing rituals of doing drugs alone. Painkillers, weed, amphetamines, and DXM. These rituals subside a bit during my time in drug court, as I'm being drug tested and can't smoke weed. But they increase during my junior year in high school.
Mid 2004 - Spend a lot of time on internet forum and playing internet games with internet friends. Look at pictures of naked women. Make dick jokes with anonymous fools. Play a lot of WarCraft III. Feel closer to friends on the internet than any of my classmates.
Mid 2004 - Realize my parents aren't getting along so well. Realize they are in debt.
Fall 2004 - Second year in high school. Anxious, but have friends. Not the best circle, but beats being a loner. Get bullied by a hardass group. This year sucks a lot more than the first year. Good friends leave or get kicked out. Try to spend time by myself a lot, but can't free myself from horrible people.
January 11th, 2004 - Arrested near first high school by undercover detectives while trying to smoke pot in an abandoned house with some dude. 2 felonies, with a tiny bit a meth and a single Vicodin pill. 10 months of my life devoted to California state Drug Court rehab system. DA said I would have done time in juvie if I wasn't white. Pretty fucked.

Fall 2003 - First year in high school. Meet some people who will influence me, for better or for worse, for the rest of my life. First close, cool friends...all who happen to do drugs, hooray! Get drunk for the first time. Get stoned for the first time.
June 2003 - Graduate from middle school. Ugly. Hate myself. Traumatized. First symptoms of social anxiety appear in 8th grade. Memories of hanging out at the mall with middle school girls and boys. Mostly awkward and uncomfortable. Kiss a girl or two. Innocent at best.


that's it for now. gotta go to bed.

girls

That sorta been intimate with in the past few years. I feel like girls do this so I should do it, too.

Brandee - Shitty name, but nice girl. Encounters with her proved O's point about movie theaters - how they're like legalized prostitution - because they're usually an excuse to get dirty and intimate with someone. We did that three times and got further each time. I guess they're useful for that since they're dark, and there's also the ominous concern/turn-on about getting caught. I don't know how we were ever considered "dating" but it felt like it. In those dismal, painful, humiliating days of the first high school (which I realize I'm now able to not think about anymore, though the unresolved conflicts will probably return in therapy at some point down the line) her company definitely made me feel better about myself.

Jessica R. - I miss her as a dear friend. There was that one funny time with Eve in the Hallmark bathroom and the Jack Daniel's. I think we stole a total of three bottles from Gelson's and drank them. I didn't really get that drunk. There was the assumption that since I was a drunk guy I wanted to have sex with her, but I pretended to fumble with my weird 2-pronged belt until we got caught and shooed out by an employee. Eve sitting there in the corner made me turbo uncomfortable. This didn't go anywhere, but it showed me what was possible.

Joany, I think is what she went by - Colin and Daniel and some kid who knew people at the door of this 21+ club in Malibu drove there and drank and danced. I picked up some girl - kissed her, took her to my car. We fucked around, she was a terrible kisser. I was on painkillers and uncomfortable in the backseat of my car and couldn't get it up. Daniel and her cousin went to retrieve her while my flaccid penis was in her mouth. My friends thought I was a champ. I didn't feel like one, but I did learn what it was like to be the guy who sort of "scored". I tried to hang out with her after, but it never materialized. This theme returns later in my life, in college.

Cl - Took me 20 years but finally lost it in a great drunken hook-up in the room I was lucky I didn't have to share until midway thru winter quarter. That was a fun night, I just regret trying to call and text her so much, even considering e-mailing her, thinking we had something shared between us except bodily fluids. At least she still smiles at me in the hallways. Although we can't really communicate beyond the pedestrian level. Maybe I'll just tell her, "Remember the time we fucked last year?" and she how she reacts. What's the worst that could happen?

W - Cool writer lady graduate student who kissed me on my birthday. Dated. Had sex. Had a lot of sex actually for a period of 2-3 months, and learned a lot about it. I think I loved her at some point. But she got depressed and it was a turn off for me so I told her we just wanted to be friends. I think she delivers pizzas in Seattle now. But she looks good and is sexy and I wish her the best.

Jessica - Man she is cool. I miss her. She came from an art school in New York to visit one of the friends in our circle (a girl she was "married" to), and we hung out and bonded. Her and her "wife", and her kinda boyfriend and my friend B were going to drive to Vancouver that weekend. The good Vancouver up north, not the shitty Washington one. After getting kinda close and comfy with this Jessica, it sounded like a plan. Plus, the unspoken "double date/trip" of it would be helpful for B, who's relationship with the friend was just beginning to blossom, (though, now, it's starting to get moldy). It was a great trip, we got super wasted at a club in Canada and we all got laid. But the devil is in the details. S (B's girl) got SUPER wasted and got angry that Bob wasn't performing...spectacularly, and even asked me, in a daze, if I could satisfy her. Eventually, they got it down, though. My partner and I were REALLY into it on the dancefloor, and didn't care about any of the glances around us. Mmm...but back at the hotel, which I almost wasn't able to get back into (!!!) at 2AMish in the Vancouver slums, it wasn't so great. We got under the covers and got naked and started doing it, but, hmm...I don't really remember what happened. I think I went to put a condom on and she was passed the fuck out. I know I did stick it in though (before she fell asleep, mind you!) and I guess that counts. I will see her again, some time. What a story!

J - One of my friend's roommates I'd go out, as a group, on lonely nights to drink. Kind of cold. Not initially attracted to, until she cut her hair, actually. Usually I'm less superficial, but I also began to see her in a different light. I was bored and read a handful of PUA e-books, which had a minor impact on me and made me more confident about going out with her. Made out with her in front of a dying campfire on her roommate's birthday. I loved that. Went on two awkward dates after until she messaged me, saying to come over, had awesome unexpected sex. Did that a couple more times, got clingy, turned her off, didn't hear back because she was a bad communicator, in my opinion. But we might see each other again. (UPDATE 1/30/11: I don't think we're going to see each other again)

J - I'll talk about this another time.

K - This is new and kind of a nice casual, yet fucking-loving relationship we have, mostly because she is upfront about her other male suitors. I'll talk about this more another time. (UPDATE 1/30/11: she got a boyfriend and I got a girlfriend, the J above that I'll talk about another time. I have already, actually. Me and K still talk though.)