What I'd like to see

Well, the report is in. Marcus Nagelberg's brilliant new novel, "Name Withheld." In it, Nagelberg addresses the sense of disconnection and alienation he witnessed in city life, on the college campus, and in suburbia. He paints the pictures that compelled him in his youth to experiment with drugs, and how he struggled to accept his heterosexuality, and how this gradually affected his view of women, relationships, and sex. It is a wholly modern Bildungsroman, echoing the necessity for a quick turn to adulthood, which was influenced by the death of the author's mother when he was a high school boy. "Name Withheld" is one of the first novels to address the issue of emotional isolation in the digital age of worldwide connectivity during the surge of social media.

The mindfulness approach

I took a mindfulness-based depression and anxiety class once a week last quarter. In short, I learned that when I feel anxious, I should remind myself consciously that I feel...anxious, and ask myself where I feel it. The idea is to make what feels almost automatic and unconscious, conscious. I noticed that whenever I walk up the stairs to my office I get the sensation of a vice squeezing my chest, shortening my breath, and making me feels shaky. But now that I'm more aware of it, I just feel more miserable about it.

D&D!

I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Elf Bard/Sorcerer (2nd/2nd Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-12

Dexterity-12

Constitution-14

Intelligence-14

Wisdom-13

Charisma-13


Alignment:
Chaotic Neutral A chaotic neutral character follows his whims. He is an individualist first and last. He values his own liberty but doesn't strive to protect others' freedom. He avoids authority, resents restrictions, and challenges traditions. A chaotic neutral character does not intentionally disrupt organizations as part of a campaign of anarchy. To do so, he would have to be motivated either by good (and a desire to liberate others) or evil (and a desire to make those different from himself suffer). A chaotic neutral character may be unpredictable, but his behavior is not totally random. He is not as likely to jump off a bridge as to cross it. Chaotic neutral is the best alignment you can be because it represents true freedom from both society's restrictions and a do-gooder's zeal. However, chaotic neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it seeks to eliminate all authority, harmony, and order in society.


Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.


Primary Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.


Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)



also, I cleared up things with my girlfriend :P

Poem for the school newspaper

I'm going to look into how much money it'll cost to get this published

big fat cocks
big fat cocks
big fat cocks squirting

big fat cocks
big fat cocks
big fat cocks squirting hot loads

big fat cocks
big fat cocks
big fat cocks squirting hot loads of semen over the balcony

my recent failures

I've failed a lot in the past 60 days. Here are my most recent formal rejections:

My recent failures

I failed to be accepted as a reading tutor for the local middle school.
I failed to be accepted as a volunteer for the local crisis clinic.
I failed to be accepted as an office manager for the Washingont Student Association.
I failed to be accepted as an internet search rater for LeapForce Consulting.
I failed to be accepted as an internet search rater for LionBridge Consulting.

i'm still at the shitty job I don't care about, that has mysteriously gotten shittier.
the things I do for money...

i want to have an affair

I really want to have an affair! Last night I went to girlfriend's house with the prospect of watching Arrested Development and sleeping. I knew once I saw her after opening the door that I didn't want to have sex with her that night. She was wearing her glasses that make her look like a 12 year old version of my mother, some oversize t-shirt and baggy, purple nighties. The epitome of turn-off. I could hardly sleep last night. It even took effort to kiss her goodbye this morning. But I kept thinking about the Astrologer, all night. She is in her late 40s, early 50s, taller, more graceful, fit, wise, well-traveled. She's so lovely, I think I will try to call her again, but can it lead to a date? I dreamt I drew my face close to hers, and told her to kiss me, that I knew she wanted to. This is still on my bucket list, OK? We deserve people like each other!

another crossroad?

I feel stuck again. Considering joining a business program next year at my liberal arts college. Either that, or "Writing American Cultures"...which sounds a lot better. I should just roll with what interests me and can improve my writing. But the logical side of business and finance appeals to me, too. One thing the professor told me is that you'll practice writing out an idea or a plan, and reviewing it in multiple instances and through different frames of reference to test it out, and find out, is this realistic? I like that whole branch of logic, maybe it's good for me. English and American culture/history are important too, but fuck, I really want to know what it takes to start a business. This professor created an oil company and numerous other ventures in South America. I'm not sure how to create a business outside the internet and designing a sweet website, though. That seems to be the place to start in my generation.

My birthday's coming up. I just want to cop some painkillers...

money

So, somehow, I'm low on money. Car repair was part of it, but I make about $1K a month at this job, and my rent is $305...so how can I be low on money? Some of it goes to school and books, but not a majority of it. Something has to give. Anyway, tomorrow I'll hear back about this internet job. I heard about it on the internet. I passed the first theoretical test and will find out the results about the practical test. But I hear they're sticklers with the time clock. Here I can somewhat extent time safely. But since this part-time gig is completely online, they know exactly how much time you spend per task. And the job consists of completing a bunch of little tasks. I'll just have to see, but if it's not terrible, it may provide an extra $400 a month or so. I may either invest this into an individual (not retirement) account and buy common stock, or just put it into savings. Next quarter I want to get a Stafford loan and live off that, instead of this stupid job. And I need to file my taxes, and it should be a pretty good bonus because...I'm technically independent, though my grandfather's money went to pay for my school. Hope it works out. Hope I can properly manage it, too.

stupid girlfriend

She has been getting on my nerves, and it's not really her doing. It's just me being irritable and needing space. I find myself to affected by the clothes she wears. If she looks disheveled, poorly-made up, hair out of place, sporting jeans I find ugly, it's a turn-off, and I just don't even want to listen to her. Since we're in the same field of study, it becomes a public issue, and I don't want to be seen close to a girl I perceive as not attractive. It's terrible, I know. I wish I didn't care so much but I do. I think I need help. I get focused on her posture and how it carried the bit of extra weight in her belly, and try to get her to sit up straight, just so she looks more presentable.

I'm so controlling. I touch her belly when we are close. It looks better when she is lying down. Two nights ago, when she was last over, the last microdiscussion we shared before I fell asleep began with her asking "do you think i'm fat?" I said "no. do you think you're fat?" she said "sometimes." I wanted to say I just don't want her to GET FAT and that's why i try to moderate her from eating too much candy. I find it gross. I get grossed out by excess sugar consumption. I keep a Mediterranean diet, I like my fats, salts, and alcohol. I look good. My hair needs a trim but I still look good. I just want her to always looks good. And that's my problem with her. Also, she's really needy too, and I feel bad to shun her because she doesn't understand how I feel. I hope it's not time for a "talk", and I can just rot in my room until our next class, but that's not my style. I just have to do something different.

Also, I'm stuck with her til the end of the school year. Our class program extends to that length, and I know in my heart, that if we break up, it will be that much more awkward, annoying, and meddlesome between us, and that will affect my studies. But the good times always nice, while they last.

write away the pain

Right now I'm at work and trying to improve my handwriting. I've read that people in my generation are taught not to write from their shoulders and forearms, but from their wrists, which leads to a compressed, painful manuscript. I'm trying to loosen it up, free up my cursive. It helps to give yourself two lines instead of one. Apparently, the muscles in the upper arm and shoulder are better for more precise motion, surprisingly. I wouldn't have considered that. I'm practicing.

The other night I did some thinking. Too much thinking - it kept me up for most of the night. Had to take the last bit of xanax to help me fall into unconsciousness, although it didn't really help. I don't know why I took that DXM either. That was awful. Although I read the newest issue of Time magazine almost cover to cover. The headlining piece was two articles, one by Fareed Zakaria, an immigrant, about the decline of America, and the other, by a native, telling us we're doing fine. The second piece failed to sucessfully argue most of the points by Zakaria, how our schools are succumbing to those of Asia and Europe, our debt is highest in the world, our our life expectancy is falling, obesity, etc. I wish it was online, it really evoked a deep sensation of passion for my country, but also a negativity. Our Congress is broken, the two-party political system is archaic, and we have people like this involved with public policy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6t6d9YBuFM . Screw you, Orange County!

questions

I remember showing with K one time. I was shapooing my head and bunch of hair fell out onto the floor of the porcelain stall. "You're not losing your hair, are you?" she chided.
"Everyone loses their hair," I said. "Some people just don't grow it back." I felt philosophical. And then I asked myself, "Shit, am I losing my hair?"

making the rent, breaking the date?

Well somehow, I'm still hitting 37 hours this pay period despite skipping president's day, and hardly doing anything on Thursday, where our city was hit with roughly 5-6 inches of snow. Maybe because I'm counting today, where I inflated my workday by about half an hour. That's all done.

I'm gonna make rent! Now I just have to hang out here and look busy for another six hours, and I'll be free to work on that paper...or get some rest. I stayed up late last night but had a lot of fun. I decided to kick it old-school and smoke up campfire style. I laid under both of my blankets and ensured there was no way for light or air to pass through, and smoked the rest of the bowl I had loaded. Then I layed out, listening to the dreampop and constant whirr of my room's heater in the background. Does well to smudge out the background noises and voices downstairs. I want to edit some of the blog post I wrote last night. It felt like I had something going on there, but I'm going to bet most of it was hufflepuff. But I felt so energized last night!

Flirting does that to you. At that concert last night I thought a lot about my relationship, and how I could rationalize cheating on my girlfriend as this is my first real relationship, I'm allowed some...trial and error. That's cute. That's a real cute excuse. But I'd still be the shit head in the situation.

But it would be empowering. Dostoevsky wrote in the Possessed about how suicide was man's ultimate expression of autonomy against God, well I suppose consciously cheating is the same thing for a relationship. Or I could just tell her the truth after the fact and see what would become of it. Honestly, I think she wouldn't be strong enough to dump me for it. Maybe she would just shun me for a few days, be broken hearted, then I'd saunter in, make some "cute" jokes, and win her back.

I was also thinking, how would I feel if she cheated on me? And I think it would just make me want to have her more, as it would bring recognition to its (the relationship's) ultimate fleetingness. Neither of us are going to stay together forever, so what difference does it make? But I also recognize what's wrong with this situation. Don't fuck with a sensitive girl's feelings. Don't do it, don't hurt her, she doesn't deserve that.


Hmm.. OK. So I can cheat on her, and as long as she doesn't find out, it's OK. No! That's even worse. I'd lose the virtue of candour and I couldn't actually say I "acted in my fullest autonomy to defy the boundaries of the relationship." But that's silly, stupidly more philosophical than I analyze anything I do, and is rationally superfluous to think about it like that. But that's all I'm doing, overthinking what I probably won't do. I might just be hitting that wall again, when I was first hesitant to be part of this entity. Committment vs non-committment. Well, I'll let you guys know what happens. Not that I really have a choice anyway.