Feel so good about it. The Russia program...let's do it!
Today I woke up at 7:30, which was earlier than necessary. But I feel like it's only because its the first time. I don't want the novel stimulation to fade. I want to be just as interested every single day. I woke up a lot earlier the first day of work and now sometimes I struggle to get there on time. Bobby says "I love dat go-getta style"
ahahah.
I'm less afraid of talking to Rob about our contract after having spoken with him and Pat today. It's gonna be alright. He's a rational, smart person. He'll understand. I haven't failed in a while.
But I'm happy, i'm where I want to be. I'm in the best shape I have been in, I think. I'm going to have health insurance soon! and I'm still making money. and I'm getting ahead. The extra effort is worth it. I'll get back to this. It's been my first real time living on my own, in a new home of my own. and it's been hard to keep all the bases covered. I did a lot of reading and learned a lot. I would go over my paper and feel anxious about editing or adding more after I first called it "done"! I just wasn't ready. I need to be careful about the influence of other people though. Sometimes I just have to be a harass and turn down my friends, just say no to what FEELS (intuition here) like wasting time more often then not. and even though I got high last night and slept on ambien, it didn't affect me today. maybe it was the bike ride that made me feel so great sitting down in Sem II B1105. I want to feel like that most of the time. I want to smile without fear and spread warmth around me. THat's what keeps people coming back. That's what brings people together - warmth.
last night my I Ching fortune told me to be calm in chaos, to not always have the urge to engage in homeostasis to gain control and alter my reality. To just deal with it when things are weird, because it's part of life. And it may be vague, but I think it speaks true. Like with the whole JR situation. It would have been better if i just left it alone. I have still thought about this a bit. Before I thought I had all the right mentality to keep the casual thing going strong without making anyone feel attached, but I didn't fully act on it. I learned that you have to throw a ball in these kinds of interactions, and wait for them to throw it back. If they don't, and they have the opportunity, well, fuck it! This is what life is about! Learning and living and loving. I'm doing it all.
