Vibration

The vibration in my pocket typically disrupts any of this, any of what I have right now. The Prosthete is one who actively engages in lies and makes personas for himself. He is a masked marauder. He is a jovial jester. He is a dark, sinister hand. He is a sticky keyboard on the only vacant lab computer. He is the mouse without a ball. He is the mastermind behind it all. He is the one who tugs your strings. He is the one who can make your heart sing. He is the one to cut you with a knife. He is the one who actively fills you with fright.
He will leave work early. We will leave work early. We will leave at 3, but it's 2:58 and on his desk lies his feet. When are you off work? All of the cards in this deck are broke. Ripped up and shredded, fifty fifty two. Toss 'em 'round, pick them up, flip them down, look at the back, is it new? Or is it the same queen, the same jack,

tracking the next big one

http://www.idemc.org/
choose pandemic monitoring
this could be bad

chest

Chest pain
Waking up with a dry cough
Dust bunnies and pet dander may play a role
Did some vacuuming but still did not sleep well. Rest of quest involves washing mattress pad, blankets, comforter...a lot of water will be used. The vacuum is fucked up too. The hose that is separate from the vacuum itself is kind of broken, though it sucks up on its own. so it's a lot cleaner from the hour of work i put into it. i'm happy about that. still a lot of dust bunnies though in other parts of the house. my dad has a cough but he's a smoker so yeah
he wants me to find myself a new insurance plan. i backed out of the old one because it was gay and charged me 25% more because i was taking effexor.
in my insurance plan i want good rX coverage, high deductible so i can get a HSA and just to be able to see a doctor for much cheaper than it should be

Break.

C and I stole 3 ton jack and heavy toolbox from his father to help open up the wheels of my car and look at the brakes. First you unscrew the lug nuts, all five of them to get the tire off. Inside, is the brake, calipers, support plates, pads, and rotor. But a new problem opened up, because inside the front left brake the pads are in pristine condition. We didn't have time to open up the other side and check it out. Also, the entire caliper is for another model of car, two types of brake pads that we got did not fit, it's a very scary thing. Also, the car needs an alignment. Of all the fucking cars he's worked on, C said, THIS one has to have the wrong calipers on it. Naturally it means I got gipped when we got the car like two years ago. Very sad, means I have to put a lot more money and work into it. as of now I despise driving it, makes sounds I don't want to hear, and the brake pedal is loose, must press hard. I hate being poor.

uncomfort

the hungers back. so heavy and dull and dumb i feel today

Begin

Am reading "The Right to Write" by Julia Cameron. Doing an exercise

Physically, a little upbeat, a little less sick, perhaps from being outside the house which might be making me ill. There could be mold problems or things in the ventilation that make me cough and spit up sputum and sneeze and accent my asthma in negative ways. I am not writing long-hand. Sitting upright rather content actually talked to a friend on the phone about a possible sex interest. This is no longer physical and must be edited. But we do not edit on this blog. No sir. Currently, for some reason, do not have the compulsive urge to eat, maybe because I am sitting upright and writing? Feels okay.
Emotionally, I've been satiated. Need a love interest, a new outlet, a new friend. I take society one day at a time and am slightly comfortable with that, gradually more, hopefully faster. Skipped a class because I forgot about an assignment, how is this emotional again? The hustle and bustle of everyday life. Not a sentence. If I wanted to write about a sick frog-charmer, I'd be too caught up in the details. Maybe that's what I have to work on, or just work on. I meant it that way. This is not meant to be read and cherished by others thought I want to find my own voice that other people would enjoy listening to and perhaps even speak back to me with.
Psychologically, I'm okay, I was able to push back meeting my friend (even though he is helping me with my car) to a little later so that I would be able to do this little exercise. But it feels so bland! I want that passion back, I went to the beach, I got high, I hung out, I did some work, I'm crafting, not perfecting a craft but developing it hopefully, I am rambling in tangents unmanagable, but intend to eventually manage.
My age bothered me after my last birthday but I'm coming to terms with it, this is really something right here, Julia Cameron is a genius. Here's a quote (though I will try to refrain from them because they take up space in material that is not my own),
"Be petty, critical, whining, scared. Be excited, adventurous, worried, happy. Be whatever and however you are at this moment. Get current. Feel the current of your own thoughts and emotions."
I am typing rather fast but one thing came up to me earlier today, why is NEUTRALITY seen as a NEGATIVE? Why isn't NEUTRAL neutral? These days, everything breezes by so quickly - everyone who matters is connected in one form or another and it feels like real passions, real meanings to things, real truths are on the same level of whims these days. Anyone can pick up a hobby if they have a few hours and a bit of capital, and they can drop it like a pen the next day. It feels like, "if you do not yourself consume, you will be yourself consumed". That's all me right there. Copywritten, bitches. The current is that I merely feel here, and since I do not feel bad, I feel good. I guess that's just neutral. And thank goodness I don't feel sick at the moment, like I have for the past two weeks. I swear, once I go back inside the house I'll start coughing shit up again. This morning I thought about taking a test - rest in a hotel for 3-4 nights and see if I stop feeling sick. I grabbed this coupon that lets men come to your house to clean out your "vents" in your house. I think my house has vents, even though it doesn't have air conditioning. I guess I will have to call them and find out? That doesn't really scare me right now, however. Yesterday I emailed Ryan. Today I emailed someone in the English department that old prose I wrote a while ago which is still decent even though a bit rambling it's true to heart. Right now, while I write now, I ramble still intangibly except to me, incorporeal (lacking material form or substance) except to thee.

time

should could would volunteer over the summer. if not travel. but i want to make money...or do i? what about psychic income? what about getting more writing material? that might be a better use of my time.
class struggles throughout history, marx, engels, nietsche try to depict them
I could work with the elderly and steal their drugs and listen to their stories. Maybe i could teach english in some foreign country. Do I want to do that? Possibly. Need a job. Summer classes would get in the way of that. Helping old jewish people. helping old mexican people. old black people. old german people. Something to get me out of the house.

today

dim hot and hellish
constantly have to fight off the urges of getting fingernails up in my hairline, fishing for faults and outliers, little smidgens of whatnot hidden up in there must be smitten to ritualistic search and removal. it's sickening and gross and i don't want to have to do it anymore. I must also force myself to shower more often, especially in this weather. I hate being fat.
Constant urge to eat nuts and rabbit food as well when i'm not even hungry. Pisses me off, had a dream with a cool story idea in it but forgot it

stomach

Smoked a bowl last night and read the whole time. Memory got a little wonky and had the urge to sleep on the couch. Today the weather is unbearable and it's only mid April. It's reminding me why I have to get out of here, why I have to leave. The weather reminds me why I have to leave.
My stomach is full from snacking but I am not satiated. I could eat little empty carb salty snack sweet chocolate knick knocks all day long but my stomach swells up. I should keep eating and then puke afterwards. No, I shouldn't, that would be unhealthy.

gave in

Last night driving home from book store bought two one about writing the other called What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson. It's very good. Was hungry driving home at 9 o clock thought about going home and making a tuna sandwich. Decided that since there was no bread and no cheese I would get a cheeseburger again. Got a whopper and small drink. $5 i'll never see again. Whopper was good. Went home and read the book until it was time for bed.

sushi

the sushi the other day was such a contrast from the mushy tilapia I fucked up tonight
will convert There Will Be Blood to mp4, the iPod's favorite video format apparently

Gregory

Gregory Aires opened the front door to his house, stepped out of it, and closed and locked the door behind him. He took a breath and began walking to his bus stop. Grey was the road and sidewalk constructed from concrete. Each house on the block had its own color scheme and set of trees and its own lawn depicting the amount of effort the owner put into its growth. Gregory Aires didn't think about how this particular day at the office would turn out, it was only Tuesday. No holiday, no early closing, no particular events in mind; he was just going to work. Of course, he was not free from his own thoughts.

April 14th taxes must do tonight do i have a program yes that's paid and that letter from AT&T bill has to be corrected should call Margie owe her a call sweet woman smile her hospitality shit Ryan was annoyed other day but Rosie says its fine the Charter assignment is due today maybe shopping after or to take the car in no time for that maybe I'll text Ryan or just wait and talk to him when I'm there did I take the Zyrtec yeah how much longer what am I gonna do those benefits don't kick in until fuck GP is general practitioner is there a meeting yes I got the cookies and W2s ready should make time at lunch and I fed Proust he'll be good as usual what about the farting yeah at the store I'll get that special stuff

He pulled an apple from his coat pocket and took a bite or two

A little more bitter than the Granny Smith I'm used to...

outage

that acidic stomach thing lead to a sore throat which lead to a cough which I still have. hopefully normal, have not been seen by medical personnel. Fortunately, soon - if everything goes right I'll have health insurance for a while, at least until classes are over...it'd be great if I got the whole year though, I can't wait!

Car has "check engine" light on.
Thought: Spell check is destructive.

Chose not to smoke nor drink with friends in late night meeting last night. It was a good time, too.
Went to school, slept through one class. The rest was decent. Got a C (77) on a big test from a day prior.
Cleared time to check brakes and see C to do school work, but not doing it now.

Thought: Just write as I normally do, or in this fashion for one character's journal entry. Then make everyone else's journals (!!) or thoughts sound differently. It would be best not to exaggerate though.

what do you do when

you want to study a craft but have no where to begin?

The unluckiest man

[I]t would be hard to beat the hard-luck of a Japanese man named Tsutomu Yamaguchi.On August 6th, 1945, he was in Hiroshima on a business trip when the first A-bomb dropped on Japan exploded. He suffered some burns, but was considered well enough that he could leave Hiroshima the next day and go home. To Nagasaki.

oh my

sick

dreamed that I missed the deadline for that philosophy essay and hanging out with C and O was the culprit because i didn't make enough time for myself and my educational endeavors. which is slightly true.
Jasper is a little sleep spirit that wants to keep me in bed.
did not sleep, strong acidic sensation in stomach limits me and it sucks
need ginger ale
need relief

this morning

My poor cat's got something wrong with her eye,
she's squinting a lot cause there might be something wrong with her eye.
And there was cat urine on my comforter, after all the blood tests and
diagnostics, it turns out the issues were ultimately behavioral
The smell is foul and offensive to the nostrils,
pungent and crude, i put aside and away the toxified blanket
Discovered some mold under the kitchen sink that might be making me sick
my stomach's churning and all soured up
ate some healthy foods hoping it'd improve my attitude
but my morale is muy mal and thoughts in my head have driven me up a wall
out of my house, out of my house, i'm at the library but my study time is up

gross

Feel gross sensations in my stomach, bringing me down. Perhaps indigestion? Perhaps involving that energy drink I had last night? Maybe it was the Reese's. I feel ill and have not done much today besides recycling cans. Made about $32 USD in an hour, not sure what to do with it.
Wanted to put it in a savings account at the bank but felt too gross and grimy to go in public. Need to shower - I've come into contact with some bad mold under the kitchen sink. Not to mention all the outdoor fermented beer/backwash mixture lurking in the last stretch of the crushed cans that happened to drip on me as I organized all the cans into garbage bags to transport.
I had no idea how bad it was, it's absolutely filthy and damaged and the wood is wet and falling apart in some places.
Not sure what to tell mom, or where to begin, as I know nothing about the dynamics of the kitchen's schematics. It would also cost a bit to fix as well, not what I'd ask her to pay today anyway.

caffeinated fingertips

“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”

good evening. it's quite late on this spring break evening. I have decided to administer a 16oz can of sugar-free Rockstar tonight. I'm not usually big on energy drinks but I'm trying to do something a little different tonight. On a normal night, I would be about to pass out from pot I ended up smoking today with a friend or two. It feels late and I am moderately confused. I will come back to you later.

down and introspective

is the mood of the day
can't get my thoughts out 'bout cali-for-nigh-ay
clodded conglomerates thinking clouds dead
links betwixt them all turned red
neuron shot to neuron fire
neuro transmitter neuro action is dire