my recent failures

I've failed a lot in the past 60 days. Here are my most recent formal rejections:

My recent failures

I failed to be accepted as a reading tutor for the local middle school.
I failed to be accepted as a volunteer for the local crisis clinic.
I failed to be accepted as an office manager for the Washingont Student Association.
I failed to be accepted as an internet search rater for LeapForce Consulting.
I failed to be accepted as an internet search rater for LionBridge Consulting.

i'm still at the shitty job I don't care about, that has mysteriously gotten shittier.
the things I do for money...

i want to have an affair

I really want to have an affair! Last night I went to girlfriend's house with the prospect of watching Arrested Development and sleeping. I knew once I saw her after opening the door that I didn't want to have sex with her that night. She was wearing her glasses that make her look like a 12 year old version of my mother, some oversize t-shirt and baggy, purple nighties. The epitome of turn-off. I could hardly sleep last night. It even took effort to kiss her goodbye this morning. But I kept thinking about the Astrologer, all night. She is in her late 40s, early 50s, taller, more graceful, fit, wise, well-traveled. She's so lovely, I think I will try to call her again, but can it lead to a date? I dreamt I drew my face close to hers, and told her to kiss me, that I knew she wanted to. This is still on my bucket list, OK? We deserve people like each other!

another crossroad?

I feel stuck again. Considering joining a business program next year at my liberal arts college. Either that, or "Writing American Cultures"...which sounds a lot better. I should just roll with what interests me and can improve my writing. But the logical side of business and finance appeals to me, too. One thing the professor told me is that you'll practice writing out an idea or a plan, and reviewing it in multiple instances and through different frames of reference to test it out, and find out, is this realistic? I like that whole branch of logic, maybe it's good for me. English and American culture/history are important too, but fuck, I really want to know what it takes to start a business. This professor created an oil company and numerous other ventures in South America. I'm not sure how to create a business outside the internet and designing a sweet website, though. That seems to be the place to start in my generation.

My birthday's coming up. I just want to cop some painkillers...

money

So, somehow, I'm low on money. Car repair was part of it, but I make about $1K a month at this job, and my rent is $305...so how can I be low on money? Some of it goes to school and books, but not a majority of it. Something has to give. Anyway, tomorrow I'll hear back about this internet job. I heard about it on the internet. I passed the first theoretical test and will find out the results about the practical test. But I hear they're sticklers with the time clock. Here I can somewhat extent time safely. But since this part-time gig is completely online, they know exactly how much time you spend per task. And the job consists of completing a bunch of little tasks. I'll just have to see, but if it's not terrible, it may provide an extra $400 a month or so. I may either invest this into an individual (not retirement) account and buy common stock, or just put it into savings. Next quarter I want to get a Stafford loan and live off that, instead of this stupid job. And I need to file my taxes, and it should be a pretty good bonus because...I'm technically independent, though my grandfather's money went to pay for my school. Hope it works out. Hope I can properly manage it, too.

stupid girlfriend

She has been getting on my nerves, and it's not really her doing. It's just me being irritable and needing space. I find myself to affected by the clothes she wears. If she looks disheveled, poorly-made up, hair out of place, sporting jeans I find ugly, it's a turn-off, and I just don't even want to listen to her. Since we're in the same field of study, it becomes a public issue, and I don't want to be seen close to a girl I perceive as not attractive. It's terrible, I know. I wish I didn't care so much but I do. I think I need help. I get focused on her posture and how it carried the bit of extra weight in her belly, and try to get her to sit up straight, just so she looks more presentable.

I'm so controlling. I touch her belly when we are close. It looks better when she is lying down. Two nights ago, when she was last over, the last microdiscussion we shared before I fell asleep began with her asking "do you think i'm fat?" I said "no. do you think you're fat?" she said "sometimes." I wanted to say I just don't want her to GET FAT and that's why i try to moderate her from eating too much candy. I find it gross. I get grossed out by excess sugar consumption. I keep a Mediterranean diet, I like my fats, salts, and alcohol. I look good. My hair needs a trim but I still look good. I just want her to always looks good. And that's my problem with her. Also, she's really needy too, and I feel bad to shun her because she doesn't understand how I feel. I hope it's not time for a "talk", and I can just rot in my room until our next class, but that's not my style. I just have to do something different.

Also, I'm stuck with her til the end of the school year. Our class program extends to that length, and I know in my heart, that if we break up, it will be that much more awkward, annoying, and meddlesome between us, and that will affect my studies. But the good times always nice, while they last.

write away the pain

Right now I'm at work and trying to improve my handwriting. I've read that people in my generation are taught not to write from their shoulders and forearms, but from their wrists, which leads to a compressed, painful manuscript. I'm trying to loosen it up, free up my cursive. It helps to give yourself two lines instead of one. Apparently, the muscles in the upper arm and shoulder are better for more precise motion, surprisingly. I wouldn't have considered that. I'm practicing.

The other night I did some thinking. Too much thinking - it kept me up for most of the night. Had to take the last bit of xanax to help me fall into unconsciousness, although it didn't really help. I don't know why I took that DXM either. That was awful. Although I read the newest issue of Time magazine almost cover to cover. The headlining piece was two articles, one by Fareed Zakaria, an immigrant, about the decline of America, and the other, by a native, telling us we're doing fine. The second piece failed to sucessfully argue most of the points by Zakaria, how our schools are succumbing to those of Asia and Europe, our debt is highest in the world, our our life expectancy is falling, obesity, etc. I wish it was online, it really evoked a deep sensation of passion for my country, but also a negativity. Our Congress is broken, the two-party political system is archaic, and we have people like this involved with public policy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6t6d9YBuFM . Screw you, Orange County!

questions

I remember showing with K one time. I was shapooing my head and bunch of hair fell out onto the floor of the porcelain stall. "You're not losing your hair, are you?" she chided.
"Everyone loses their hair," I said. "Some people just don't grow it back." I felt philosophical. And then I asked myself, "Shit, am I losing my hair?"