joke life
Saturday, December 11, 2010
constantly throughout the ride
I grasped onto peculiar trains of thought I wish i could reproduce onto this web form. I told myself, think of how you could write this out, this would be great to write about, this is beautiful. BRAIN, I AM TELLING YOU, WHEN I FINALLY GET SOME REST, MEDITATE ON THAT TRIP. PRODUCE SOMETHING FOR ME. I KNOW I'M NOT GIVING YOU ALL THE REST YOU'D LIKE BUT I FEEL LIKE HANGING OUT WITH SOME FRIENDS FOR A BIT WILL GROUND ME MORE. I WOKE UP AGITATED, SICKLY, WEAK. I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN. THE GIRL MISSES ME BUT I CAN'T BARE TO FACE HER YET. I CAN'T BARE TO FACE MY NOTEBOOK. PLEASE HELP ME.
the acid and the music
The young vocalist's face shone in the red and blue lights behind the drums, the shadow from the microphone made his mouth appear to be suckling it almost, but his pleasant harmonious voice radiated through the speakesr I was only a few feet away from.
I sat in the car and watched the scenery and was overcome with an odd euphoria throughout my body, and I felt myself pulled into a perpetual daydream, my eyes half closed like a streetsquatter in a nod. I relived painful moments of being 14 again. The guys Vince and Raptor and Manny teased me, pulled me around with them, called me an awful nickname I wish not to repeat, but it was somewhat therapeutic to realize I'd come this far. I sat at a starbucks table trying to stare through it and pour my vision onto my shoelaces but it wouldn't work. Raptor called out to manny, a tall, long-haired pot dealer with glasses who looked lik he could hold an office job. "Hey Manny, isn't it true? Once a bitch, always a bitch?" His eyes reminded me of a sociopath as he glared at me, asking his friend for approval. I don't remember what Manny said, he wasn't that bad a guy to me, but the others were rough.
then all of a sudden i was pulled out of the daydream, the music in the car went silent. there was a pause. i wanted to look around but felt stuck. Then I heard a lounge-singing woman's voice call out to the radio with a pleasant viola harmony behind it, and I was thinking, OK, I can do this, I can put up with this. But I felt little teeth surround my body and bite me repeatedly when the dancehall electronic beats and circus-like musical delirium envelop me. It tore at me, I tried to fight it, but I was helpless. I've never heard such revolting music in my life. It lied to me, the lounge-singing, cocktail-dressed studio recorded woman's voice was a temporary reverie for the assault my body, my mind, my soul was about to experience.
BOOSH DA DA BA DA BOOSH DA DA BA DA BOOSH DA DA BA DA BOOSH DA DA BA DA
Oh how I wanted to jump out of my head! I was a prisoner. I kept listening, on and on, without a choice, hoping the aching would end but the music kept playing. Eventually the song would end, and I was momentarily relieved, but all of the songs held the same structure - a computer-generated composition combining two types of music that were never meant to interlope. Eventually I was able to ignore it, still helpless, the only choice. When they begin to introduce a rape scene on American television the final cut, as the idea of "misery' is suggested, depicts a woman staring onto a point into the distance with the light in her eyes. her mind does everything possible to put her out of her body, and become something else. I did the best i could, and eventually, with 22 miles remaining, the song ended, and I stood up straight, I said, very carefully, "could we listen to another album after this?"
I sat in the car and watched the scenery and was overcome with an odd euphoria throughout my body, and I felt myself pulled into a perpetual daydream, my eyes half closed like a streetsquatter in a nod. I relived painful moments of being 14 again. The guys Vince and Raptor and Manny teased me, pulled me around with them, called me an awful nickname I wish not to repeat, but it was somewhat therapeutic to realize I'd come this far. I sat at a starbucks table trying to stare through it and pour my vision onto my shoelaces but it wouldn't work. Raptor called out to manny, a tall, long-haired pot dealer with glasses who looked lik he could hold an office job. "Hey Manny, isn't it true? Once a bitch, always a bitch?" His eyes reminded me of a sociopath as he glared at me, asking his friend for approval. I don't remember what Manny said, he wasn't that bad a guy to me, but the others were rough.
then all of a sudden i was pulled out of the daydream, the music in the car went silent. there was a pause. i wanted to look around but felt stuck. Then I heard a lounge-singing woman's voice call out to the radio with a pleasant viola harmony behind it, and I was thinking, OK, I can do this, I can put up with this. But I felt little teeth surround my body and bite me repeatedly when the dancehall electronic beats and circus-like musical delirium envelop me. It tore at me, I tried to fight it, but I was helpless. I've never heard such revolting music in my life. It lied to me, the lounge-singing, cocktail-dressed studio recorded woman's voice was a temporary reverie for the assault my body, my mind, my soul was about to experience.
BOOSH DA DA BA DA BOOSH DA DA BA DA BOOSH DA DA BA DA BOOSH DA DA BA DA
Oh how I wanted to jump out of my head! I was a prisoner. I kept listening, on and on, without a choice, hoping the aching would end but the music kept playing. Eventually the song would end, and I was momentarily relieved, but all of the songs held the same structure - a computer-generated composition combining two types of music that were never meant to interlope. Eventually I was able to ignore it, still helpless, the only choice. When they begin to introduce a rape scene on American television the final cut, as the idea of "misery' is suggested, depicts a woman staring onto a point into the distance with the light in her eyes. her mind does everything possible to put her out of her body, and become something else. I did the best i could, and eventually, with 22 miles remaining, the song ended, and I stood up straight, I said, very carefully, "could we listen to another album after this?"
Friday, November 26, 2010
ahahah
From: TreatEaston | Posted: 11/24/2010 05:00:17 PM | Filter | Message Detail | Quote
Reminds me of my mom
If you don't acknowledge a statement she makes she'll literally repeat it until somebody does
Nice weather we're having here
Nice weather we're having here
NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING HERE
From: Andmillionaire | Posted: 11/24/2010 10:11:55 PM | Filter | Message Detail | Quote
Oh my god. She gave her mom a bottle of wine as a present for having everyone I guess. And she just called her to tell her not to drink it without her because it's not cheap wine. Lol wtf. Who does that?
Her: so did you wrap their gift with popcorn wrap?
Dad: you mean bubble wrap?
Her: no popcorn wrap
dad: packing peanuts?
Her: no popcorn wrap. The clear plastic wrap with the bubbles on it that you can pop. Like popcorn.
From: Andmillionaire | Posted: 11/25/2010 11:23:12 AM | Filter | Message Detail | Quote
Our morning begins at 7am so that we can be the first in line at this famous bakery to pick up pecan and pumpkin pies.
They opened at 5. You needed to call like a week in advance. They closed at 7am. :|
---
http://yourewinner.com/wiki/index.php5?title=Book_of_Rigism
Rigism follower for 5 years and counting.. YOU'RE WINNER!
From: Andmillionaire | Posted: 11/25/2010 11:27:49 AM | Filter | Message Detail | Quote
Goddamnit I forgot the last part.
"I guess this thanksgiving isn't as easy as pie" was her response to them closing.
Reminds me of my mom
If you don't acknowledge a statement she makes she'll literally repeat it until somebody does
Nice weather we're having here
Nice weather we're having here
NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING HERE
From: Andmillionaire | Posted: 11/24/2010 10:11:55 PM | Filter | Message Detail | Quote
Oh my god. She gave her mom a bottle of wine as a present for having everyone I guess. And she just called her to tell her not to drink it without her because it's not cheap wine. Lol wtf. Who does that?
Her: so did you wrap their gift with popcorn wrap?
Dad: you mean bubble wrap?
Her: no popcorn wrap
dad: packing peanuts?
Her: no popcorn wrap. The clear plastic wrap with the bubbles on it that you can pop. Like popcorn.
From: Andmillionaire | Posted: 11/25/2010 11:23:12 AM | Filter | Message Detail | Quote
Our morning begins at 7am so that we can be the first in line at this famous bakery to pick up pecan and pumpkin pies.
They opened at 5. You needed to call like a week in advance. They closed at 7am. :|
---
http://yourewinner.com/wiki/index.php5?title=Book_of_Rigism
Rigism follower for 5 years and counting.. YOU'RE WINNER!
From: Andmillionaire | Posted: 11/25/2010 11:27:49 AM | Filter | Message Detail | Quote
Goddamnit I forgot the last part.
"I guess this thanksgiving isn't as easy as pie" was her response to them closing.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Have you seen her new boy
Have you seen her new boy
He has a beard and glasses,
He's about an inch shorter
Seems boring to begin with.
But I haven't been around to hear the pillowtalk.
He has a beard and glasses,
He's about an inch shorter
Seems boring to begin with.
But I haven't been around to hear the pillowtalk.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
girls
That sorta been intimate with in the past few years. I feel like girls do this so I should do it, too.
Brandee - Shitty name, but nice girl. Encounters with her proved O's point about movie theaters - how they're like legalized prostitution - because they're usually an excuse to get dirty and intimate with someone. We did that three times and got further each time. I guess they're useful for that since they're dark, and there's also the ominous concern/turn-on about getting caught. I don't know how we were ever considered "dating" but it felt like it. In those dismal, painful, humiliating days of the first high school (which I realize I'm now able to not think about anymore, though the unresolved conflicts will probably return in therapy at some point down the line) her company definitely made me feel better about myself.
Jessica R. - I miss her as a dear friend. There was that one funny time with Eve in the Hallmark bathroom and the Jack Daniel's. I think we stole a total of three bottles from Gelson's and drank them. I didn't really get that drunk. There was the assumption that since I was a drunk guy I wanted to have sex with her, but I pretended to fumble with my weird 2-pronged belt until we got caught and shooed out by an employee. Eve sitting there in the corner made me turbo uncomfortable. This didn't go anywhere, but it showed me what was possible.
Joany, I think is what she went by - Colin and Daniel and some kid who knew people at the door of this 21+ club in Malibu drove there and drank and danced. I picked up some girl - kissed her, took her to my car. We fucked around, she was a terrible kisser. I was on painkillers and uncomfortable in the backseat of my car and couldn't get it up. Daniel and her cousin went to retrieve her while my flaccid penis was in her mouth. My friends thought I was a champ. I didn't feel like one, but I did learn what it was like to be the guy who sort of "scored". I tried to hang out with her after, but it never materialized. This theme returns later in my life, in college.
Cl - Took me 20 years but finally lost it in a great drunken hook-up in the room I was lucky I didn't have to share until midway thru winter quarter. That was a fun night, I just regret trying to call and text her so much, even considering e-mailing her, thinking we had something shared between us except bodily fluids. At least she still smiles at me in the hallways. Although we can't really communicate beyond the pedestrian level. Maybe I'll just tell her, "Remember the time we fucked last year?" and she how she reacts. What's the worst that could happen?
W - Cool writer lady graduate student who kissed me on my birthday. Dated. Had sex. Had a lot of sex actually for a period of 2-3 months, and learned a lot about it. I think I loved her at some point. But she got depressed and it was a turn off for me so I told her we just wanted to be friends. I think she delivers pizzas in Seattle now. But she looks good and is sexy and I wish her the best.
Jessica - Man she is cool. I miss her. She came from an art school in New York to visit one of the friends in our circle (a girl she was "married" to), and we hung out and bonded. Her and her "wife", and her kinda boyfriend and my friend B were going to drive to Vancouver that weekend. The good Vancouver up north, not the shitty Washington one. After getting kinda close and comfy with this Jessica, it sounded like a plan. Plus, the unspoken "double date/trip" of it would be helpful for B, who's relationship with the friend was just beginning to blossom, (though, now, it's starting to get moldy). It was a great trip, we got super wasted at a club in Canada and we all got laid. But the devil is in the details. S (B's girl) got SUPER wasted and got angry that Bob wasn't performing...spectacularly, and even asked me, in a daze, if I could satisfy her. Eventually, they got it down, though. My partner and I were REALLY into it on the dancefloor, and didn't care about any of the glances around us. Mmm...but back at the hotel, which I almost wasn't able to get back into (!!!) at 2AMish in the Vancouver slums, it wasn't so great. We got under the covers and got naked and started doing it, but, hmm...I don't really remember what happened. I think I went to put a condom on and she was passed the fuck out. I know I did stick it in though (before she fell asleep, mind you!) and I guess that counts. I will see her again, some time. What a story!
J - One of my friend's roommates I'd go out, as a group, on lonely nights to drink. Kind of cold. Not initially attracted to, until she cut her hair, actually. Usually I'm less superficial, but I also began to see her in a different light. I was bored and read a handful of PUA e-books, which had a minor impact on me and made me more confident about going out with her. Made out with her in front of a dying campfire on her roommate's birthday. I loved that. Went on two awkward dates after until she messaged me, saying to come over, had awesome unexpected sex. Did that a couple more times, got clingy, turned her off, didn't hear back because she was a bad communicator, in my opinion. But we might see each other again. (UPDATE 1/30/11: I don't think we're going to see each other again)
J - I'll talk about this another time.
K - This is new and kind of a nice casual, yet fucking-loving relationship we have, mostly because she is upfront about her other male suitors. I'll talk about this more another time. (UPDATE 1/30/11: she got a boyfriend and I got a girlfriend, the J above that I'll talk about another time. I have already, actually. Me and K still talk though.)
Brandee - Shitty name, but nice girl. Encounters with her proved O's point about movie theaters - how they're like legalized prostitution - because they're usually an excuse to get dirty and intimate with someone. We did that three times and got further each time. I guess they're useful for that since they're dark, and there's also the ominous concern/turn-on about getting caught. I don't know how we were ever considered "dating" but it felt like it. In those dismal, painful, humiliating days of the first high school (which I realize I'm now able to not think about anymore, though the unresolved conflicts will probably return in therapy at some point down the line) her company definitely made me feel better about myself.
Jessica R. - I miss her as a dear friend. There was that one funny time with Eve in the Hallmark bathroom and the Jack Daniel's. I think we stole a total of three bottles from Gelson's and drank them. I didn't really get that drunk. There was the assumption that since I was a drunk guy I wanted to have sex with her, but I pretended to fumble with my weird 2-pronged belt until we got caught and shooed out by an employee. Eve sitting there in the corner made me turbo uncomfortable. This didn't go anywhere, but it showed me what was possible.
Joany, I think is what she went by - Colin and Daniel and some kid who knew people at the door of this 21+ club in Malibu drove there and drank and danced. I picked up some girl - kissed her, took her to my car. We fucked around, she was a terrible kisser. I was on painkillers and uncomfortable in the backseat of my car and couldn't get it up. Daniel and her cousin went to retrieve her while my flaccid penis was in her mouth. My friends thought I was a champ. I didn't feel like one, but I did learn what it was like to be the guy who sort of "scored". I tried to hang out with her after, but it never materialized. This theme returns later in my life, in college.
Cl - Took me 20 years but finally lost it in a great drunken hook-up in the room I was lucky I didn't have to share until midway thru winter quarter. That was a fun night, I just regret trying to call and text her so much, even considering e-mailing her, thinking we had something shared between us except bodily fluids. At least she still smiles at me in the hallways. Although we can't really communicate beyond the pedestrian level. Maybe I'll just tell her, "Remember the time we fucked last year?" and she how she reacts. What's the worst that could happen?
W - Cool writer lady graduate student who kissed me on my birthday. Dated. Had sex. Had a lot of sex actually for a period of 2-3 months, and learned a lot about it. I think I loved her at some point. But she got depressed and it was a turn off for me so I told her we just wanted to be friends. I think she delivers pizzas in Seattle now. But she looks good and is sexy and I wish her the best.
Jessica - Man she is cool. I miss her. She came from an art school in New York to visit one of the friends in our circle (a girl she was "married" to), and we hung out and bonded. Her and her "wife", and her kinda boyfriend and my friend B were going to drive to Vancouver that weekend. The good Vancouver up north, not the shitty Washington one. After getting kinda close and comfy with this Jessica, it sounded like a plan. Plus, the unspoken "double date/trip" of it would be helpful for B, who's relationship with the friend was just beginning to blossom, (though, now, it's starting to get moldy). It was a great trip, we got super wasted at a club in Canada and we all got laid. But the devil is in the details. S (B's girl) got SUPER wasted and got angry that Bob wasn't performing...spectacularly, and even asked me, in a daze, if I could satisfy her. Eventually, they got it down, though. My partner and I were REALLY into it on the dancefloor, and didn't care about any of the glances around us. Mmm...but back at the hotel, which I almost wasn't able to get back into (!!!) at 2AMish in the Vancouver slums, it wasn't so great. We got under the covers and got naked and started doing it, but, hmm...I don't really remember what happened. I think I went to put a condom on and she was passed the fuck out. I know I did stick it in though (before she fell asleep, mind you!) and I guess that counts. I will see her again, some time. What a story!
J - One of my friend's roommates I'd go out, as a group, on lonely nights to drink. Kind of cold. Not initially attracted to, until she cut her hair, actually. Usually I'm less superficial, but I also began to see her in a different light. I was bored and read a handful of PUA e-books, which had a minor impact on me and made me more confident about going out with her. Made out with her in front of a dying campfire on her roommate's birthday. I loved that. Went on two awkward dates after until she messaged me, saying to come over, had awesome unexpected sex. Did that a couple more times, got clingy, turned her off, didn't hear back because she was a bad communicator, in my opinion. But we might see each other again. (UPDATE 1/30/11: I don't think we're going to see each other again)
J - I'll talk about this another time.
K - This is new and kind of a nice casual, yet fucking-loving relationship we have, mostly because she is upfront about her other male suitors. I'll talk about this more another time. (UPDATE 1/30/11: she got a boyfriend and I got a girlfriend, the J above that I'll talk about another time. I have already, actually. Me and K still talk though.)
so tough to concentrate!
Oh GOD today and yesterday it's been so hard to focus on that which I want to do
THe other night i was reading the cultural atlas at apartment 30. then the couple started watching "Better off Ted" I got into for it 20 minutes and went on my way to apartment 41 and read until the guys got there. then I drove home. I'll get to this in a minute. I sat at home for a few minutes, took a pill, and went to sizizis with my computer. I got some good notes done, but then spent a long time fucking around with music in a caffeinated mania. got those times are fun though. went home at 2am, crashed.
got up at noon, helped bob move out, and here i am at the computer lab at 5pm with little to show for myself, besides watching that film (include that in your bibliography!!)
and i can't stop looking around at other people i can't stop going to other websites, or fabricating images of driving downtown to see people at coffee shops (where i would go to study, but know well enough that if i'm there with other people, i certainlly wouldn't!!)
and I just spent the past half hour reading old blog entries. I'm really glad I have this thing. I can access it anywhere i have internet and I get to think about old memories. But my writing then was so much more literary-ish, more formal, to a different audience. The stuff here, lately, is pedestrian, garbled, more written for me than other people I guess. But the stuff I wrote before is most entertaining to me! What happened? It must be a phase.
Maybe because I'm getting laid on a semi-regular basis now to someone I have no feelings beyond friendship for. I don't even think we look good together. But she is hot and sexy and has a nice cat, a car, and interesting hair, and a good outlook. She says she's empathetic when I accused her of being a sociopath. It's true. She's just been hurt before, I'm sure, which explains her futile relationship with monogamy. But man, she can make me feel REALLY good. But it kind of sucks that usually, when a guy comes, his dick goes soft. Although there are workarounds, it can be annoying to consider. The girl can just keep going! But us guys gotta pace ourselves!
Also, I bought a car from a guy named Dennis yesterday. Ho-ho-holy shit walking into the bank with him waiting for me almost made me burst from adrenaline and the feeling of impulse, but sometimes I really revel in it! Once I got the hang of it, I have the time of my life in it. It's like Gabe's car but with less features. It feels so good, almost too good. I tell myself I don't deserve this. I am still attached to that feeling. I told Bob I have this weird vision of myself as an ascetic. It's not really working for me though, considering how attached i am to my Blackberry and my email bullshit. But hey, whatever you gotta do to stay connected, right? and as long as i'm aware of these things, isn't that better? Or is it even worse? And why should I care? I also think of myself as a bit of a hedonist at heart.
So I guess that was a good day. Let's make this one, one.
Oh wait, let me relish in how great this car is, some more. It's a stick shifter, so it's so much more fun to drive than just an auto. Before that wasn't fun. Before that wasn't really driving. This is driving. And I burnt an mp3 cd and it sounds amazing in it. The windows don't work, but I don't care. I'll get it looked at at some point. It's probably good on gas but I really don't give a shit about the money right now. Not with this job and my position as an economic slave. Fuck I don't want to...ugh fuck but it's worth it right? right? yes, we're doing great things and i'm learning more. sometimes its just hard, that's all. noah loves the work you do, everyone does. just keep trying like you've been doing.
Yeah that thing has quite the sound system. I realized why the gears grind in reverse too, it's just the way the teeth are set. Mmm...grinding metal....
THe other night i was reading the cultural atlas at apartment 30. then the couple started watching "Better off Ted" I got into for it 20 minutes and went on my way to apartment 41 and read until the guys got there. then I drove home. I'll get to this in a minute. I sat at home for a few minutes, took a pill, and went to sizizis with my computer. I got some good notes done, but then spent a long time fucking around with music in a caffeinated mania. got those times are fun though. went home at 2am, crashed.
got up at noon, helped bob move out, and here i am at the computer lab at 5pm with little to show for myself, besides watching that film (include that in your bibliography!!)
and i can't stop looking around at other people i can't stop going to other websites, or fabricating images of driving downtown to see people at coffee shops (where i would go to study, but know well enough that if i'm there with other people, i certainlly wouldn't!!)
and I just spent the past half hour reading old blog entries. I'm really glad I have this thing. I can access it anywhere i have internet and I get to think about old memories. But my writing then was so much more literary-ish, more formal, to a different audience. The stuff here, lately, is pedestrian, garbled, more written for me than other people I guess. But the stuff I wrote before is most entertaining to me! What happened? It must be a phase.
Maybe because I'm getting laid on a semi-regular basis now to someone I have no feelings beyond friendship for. I don't even think we look good together. But she is hot and sexy and has a nice cat, a car, and interesting hair, and a good outlook. She says she's empathetic when I accused her of being a sociopath. It's true. She's just been hurt before, I'm sure, which explains her futile relationship with monogamy. But man, she can make me feel REALLY good. But it kind of sucks that usually, when a guy comes, his dick goes soft. Although there are workarounds, it can be annoying to consider. The girl can just keep going! But us guys gotta pace ourselves!
Also, I bought a car from a guy named Dennis yesterday. Ho-ho-holy shit walking into the bank with him waiting for me almost made me burst from adrenaline and the feeling of impulse, but sometimes I really revel in it! Once I got the hang of it, I have the time of my life in it. It's like Gabe's car but with less features. It feels so good, almost too good. I tell myself I don't deserve this. I am still attached to that feeling. I told Bob I have this weird vision of myself as an ascetic. It's not really working for me though, considering how attached i am to my Blackberry and my email bullshit. But hey, whatever you gotta do to stay connected, right? and as long as i'm aware of these things, isn't that better? Or is it even worse? And why should I care? I also think of myself as a bit of a hedonist at heart.
So I guess that was a good day. Let's make this one, one.
Oh wait, let me relish in how great this car is, some more. It's a stick shifter, so it's so much more fun to drive than just an auto. Before that wasn't fun. Before that wasn't really driving. This is driving. And I burnt an mp3 cd and it sounds amazing in it. The windows don't work, but I don't care. I'll get it looked at at some point. It's probably good on gas but I really don't give a shit about the money right now. Not with this job and my position as an economic slave. Fuck I don't want to...ugh fuck but it's worth it right? right? yes, we're doing great things and i'm learning more. sometimes its just hard, that's all. noah loves the work you do, everyone does. just keep trying like you've been doing.
Yeah that thing has quite the sound system. I realized why the gears grind in reverse too, it's just the way the teeth are set. Mmm...grinding metal....
Friday, November 12, 2010
recap
On second thought, sending that message to jackie did far more harm to me than it did to her. those were hurtful things i said. when i was high nonetheless, but i won't say that. i did what i could to redeem myself but she just hinted at talking in person "...". i'm not ready for that. i can't face this stuff.
but whats important is that she still likes me !!?? i don't know. regardless of this bullshit on facebook under the surface, we can still communicate normally, without contempt. now i have myself in a funny position. i'm more attracted to her now, after showing this dark side of me that even i wasn't aware of. now i have to win her back it feels. and thats why i'm more attracted to her. it's silly. i told stafa last night, when i was nearly sobbing, i don't know what kind of person i've become
i'm more stressed, more impulsive, might put a downpayment on a car tomorrow. thatwould be lovely. i'm so much more stressed, i need help now more than ever before. i think i would have been fine, not taking other peoples advice. i trust faith so much, but she doesnt know how i feel except for how i present myself regarding these girl issues.
i know katie fucks other people, but i don't want to hear about it from her. i don't know why that upset me so much. it shouldn't. and i faked how i felt in response. "Haha that should be easy :D" that's actually kind of insulting. why do i have to check myself so much. the first response, the gut response, should be fine. if its honest. two or three days ago i thougth i was a good person. but something's wrong, something's missing. am i really being honest with myself?
my arab friend says you have a job you're a good student. he says i'm the smartest person he knows. i say the most important thing are friends and relationships, more than anything! more than things. and that's something a real man knows. i still believe it. he says all of us love you, i say i need to spend more time with you. UPDATE: he is kind of a piece of shit human being, but still fun to hang out with.
remember when you wrote those few lines about how to live ones life according to what i've learned? shutting myself off from the world does little to make me feel better, even though i'm "studying", i'm fucking off, feel like i'm fucking up. its not that bad. it may be a first world problem, but if that's the society i live in, it's still more than trivial. my relationships with other people is most important, so i need to preserve them. i need to nurture them.
but whats important is that she still likes me !!?? i don't know. regardless of this bullshit on facebook under the surface, we can still communicate normally, without contempt. now i have myself in a funny position. i'm more attracted to her now, after showing this dark side of me that even i wasn't aware of. now i have to win her back it feels. and thats why i'm more attracted to her. it's silly. i told stafa last night, when i was nearly sobbing, i don't know what kind of person i've become
i'm more stressed, more impulsive, might put a downpayment on a car tomorrow. thatwould be lovely. i'm so much more stressed, i need help now more than ever before. i think i would have been fine, not taking other peoples advice. i trust faith so much, but she doesnt know how i feel except for how i present myself regarding these girl issues.
i know katie fucks other people, but i don't want to hear about it from her. i don't know why that upset me so much. it shouldn't. and i faked how i felt in response. "Haha that should be easy :D" that's actually kind of insulting. why do i have to check myself so much. the first response, the gut response, should be fine. if its honest. two or three days ago i thougth i was a good person. but something's wrong, something's missing. am i really being honest with myself?
my arab friend says you have a job you're a good student. he says i'm the smartest person he knows. i say the most important thing are friends and relationships, more than anything! more than things. and that's something a real man knows. i still believe it. he says all of us love you, i say i need to spend more time with you. UPDATE: he is kind of a piece of shit human being, but still fun to hang out with.
remember when you wrote those few lines about how to live ones life according to what i've learned? shutting myself off from the world does little to make me feel better, even though i'm "studying", i'm fucking off, feel like i'm fucking up. its not that bad. it may be a first world problem, but if that's the society i live in, it's still more than trivial. my relationships with other people is most important, so i need to preserve them. i need to nurture them.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
awful
swollen neck and weird feelings in my head today. last night was bad. most of that day was bad. i freaed out at work because i had to take responsibility for a programmer's screwup, and more work, more homework. didn't get as far as i wanted. couldn't focus, and got high thinking it would help. got uncomfortably high and had to loaf out. i don't want to do that anymore. but i didn't feel well, my stomach hurt. i'm getting high or intoxicated every night now. its not sustainable. i'm smoking more. i think about sex and women so much, i was caught in an anxiety attack, that's what it was last night, now i know. i need to take a break, take a rest. but there's so little time. i can't just sit at home and study, i need to be out. i need to see people. i need to laugh and maybe cry. i need a break, that's what this weekend will be about. except that i have a big fucking paper due. ughhhh
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
stress
dear brother,
my head hurts and body aches. I wanted to get my thoughts out here before I spent time invested into my paper about a city.
I don't really like being around J that much anymore. ever since i realized i have game and can kiss and sometimes even fuck other people. really good about katie. so many -ie and -y names around me. I mean i like Katie because there's that bond i get after i have sex with a girl, but don't think i like her that much, and i show it, so she knows i'm not attached, but will probably be more willing to want to see me again if she notices that, so i dunno. she's cool, in all sense of the word, but says fuck too much. but she is book smart and doesn't want to appear that way and i like that, im kinda like that too.
jackie just kind of bores me, i just like the way her skin feels.
i haven't been sleeping much or very well and its taken a toll on me. im worried that i won't be able to make progress in this headspace. that my paper will be written at a few grade levels lower when i'm like this.
maybe my job is taking a toll on me. but i did goo last time. i know i can still do a decent job on this paper. just got to get it together.
my head hurts and body aches. I wanted to get my thoughts out here before I spent time invested into my paper about a city.
I don't really like being around J that much anymore. ever since i realized i have game and can kiss and sometimes even fuck other people. really good about katie. so many -ie and -y names around me. I mean i like Katie because there's that bond i get after i have sex with a girl, but don't think i like her that much, and i show it, so she knows i'm not attached, but will probably be more willing to want to see me again if she notices that, so i dunno. she's cool, in all sense of the word, but says fuck too much. but she is book smart and doesn't want to appear that way and i like that, im kinda like that too.
jackie just kind of bores me, i just like the way her skin feels.
i haven't been sleeping much or very well and its taken a toll on me. im worried that i won't be able to make progress in this headspace. that my paper will be written at a few grade levels lower when i'm like this.
maybe my job is taking a toll on me. but i did goo last time. i know i can still do a decent job on this paper. just got to get it together.
Monday, October 4, 2010
counseling
i might get free counseling! what is my issue? let's think about it.
i'm having trouble sleeping. i need to take time to simmer down and read a book i guess. do some stretching. get a pillow, put the blanket on. take a hot shower. sounds good.
uh i've always had that issue where i'll think of some past event and cringe and not want to experience the emotion, and i'll swear to myself and swear a lot and try to forget it. some emotions i just want to hide from rather tahn experience them. i get upset at the things i cannot change. saying certain expressions and realizing they are wrong. wishing i could rewrite the tape.
I want to be able to be happy without human interaction. just alone. I don't want my happiness and saneness to lie in someone else's hands. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions with beginning relationships. It makes me uncomfortable. but when I hit a high, it is really high.
what else? can't turn down free cigarettes. gotta remember to pack a snack/lunch. gotta sleep.
i'm having trouble sleeping. i need to take time to simmer down and read a book i guess. do some stretching. get a pillow, put the blanket on. take a hot shower. sounds good.
uh i've always had that issue where i'll think of some past event and cringe and not want to experience the emotion, and i'll swear to myself and swear a lot and try to forget it. some emotions i just want to hide from rather tahn experience them. i get upset at the things i cannot change. saying certain expressions and realizing they are wrong. wishing i could rewrite the tape.
I want to be able to be happy without human interaction. just alone. I don't want my happiness and saneness to lie in someone else's hands. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions with beginning relationships. It makes me uncomfortable. but when I hit a high, it is really high.
what else? can't turn down free cigarettes. gotta remember to pack a snack/lunch. gotta sleep.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
school starts
Feel so good about it. The Russia program...let's do it!
Today I woke up at 7:30, which was earlier than necessary. But I feel like it's only because its the first time. I don't want the novel stimulation to fade. I want to be just as interested every single day. I woke up a lot earlier the first day of work and now sometimes I struggle to get there on time. Bobby says "I love dat go-getta style"
ahahah.
I'm less afraid of talking to Rob about our contract after having spoken with him and Pat today. It's gonna be alright. He's a rational, smart person. He'll understand. I haven't failed in a while.
But I'm happy, i'm where I want to be. I'm in the best shape I have been in, I think. I'm going to have health insurance soon! and I'm still making money. and I'm getting ahead. The extra effort is worth it. I'll get back to this. It's been my first real time living on my own, in a new home of my own. and it's been hard to keep all the bases covered. I did a lot of reading and learned a lot. I would go over my paper and feel anxious about editing or adding more after I first called it "done"! I just wasn't ready. I need to be careful about the influence of other people though. Sometimes I just have to be a harass and turn down my friends, just say no to what FEELS (intuition here) like wasting time more often then not. and even though I got high last night and slept on ambien, it didn't affect me today. maybe it was the bike ride that made me feel so great sitting down in Sem II B1105. I want to feel like that most of the time. I want to smile without fear and spread warmth around me. THat's what keeps people coming back. That's what brings people together - warmth.
last night my I Ching fortune told me to be calm in chaos, to not always have the urge to engage in homeostasis to gain control and alter my reality. To just deal with it when things are weird, because it's part of life. And it may be vague, but I think it speaks true. Like with the whole JR situation. It would have been better if i just left it alone. I have still thought about this a bit. Before I thought I had all the right mentality to keep the casual thing going strong without making anyone feel attached, but I didn't fully act on it. I learned that you have to throw a ball in these kinds of interactions, and wait for them to throw it back. If they don't, and they have the opportunity, well, fuck it! This is what life is about! Learning and living and loving. I'm doing it all.
Today I woke up at 7:30, which was earlier than necessary. But I feel like it's only because its the first time. I don't want the novel stimulation to fade. I want to be just as interested every single day. I woke up a lot earlier the first day of work and now sometimes I struggle to get there on time. Bobby says "I love dat go-getta style"
ahahah.
I'm less afraid of talking to Rob about our contract after having spoken with him and Pat today. It's gonna be alright. He's a rational, smart person. He'll understand. I haven't failed in a while.
But I'm happy, i'm where I want to be. I'm in the best shape I have been in, I think. I'm going to have health insurance soon! and I'm still making money. and I'm getting ahead. The extra effort is worth it. I'll get back to this. It's been my first real time living on my own, in a new home of my own. and it's been hard to keep all the bases covered. I did a lot of reading and learned a lot. I would go over my paper and feel anxious about editing or adding more after I first called it "done"! I just wasn't ready. I need to be careful about the influence of other people though. Sometimes I just have to be a harass and turn down my friends, just say no to what FEELS (intuition here) like wasting time more often then not. and even though I got high last night and slept on ambien, it didn't affect me today. maybe it was the bike ride that made me feel so great sitting down in Sem II B1105. I want to feel like that most of the time. I want to smile without fear and spread warmth around me. THat's what keeps people coming back. That's what brings people together - warmth.
last night my I Ching fortune told me to be calm in chaos, to not always have the urge to engage in homeostasis to gain control and alter my reality. To just deal with it when things are weird, because it's part of life. And it may be vague, but I think it speaks true. Like with the whole JR situation. It would have been better if i just left it alone. I have still thought about this a bit. Before I thought I had all the right mentality to keep the casual thing going strong without making anyone feel attached, but I didn't fully act on it. I learned that you have to throw a ball in these kinds of interactions, and wait for them to throw it back. If they don't, and they have the opportunity, well, fuck it! This is what life is about! Learning and living and loving. I'm doing it all.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
My how the patriarch has fallen.
There will be a funeral on friday, at 11:00AM
I will have to bring my clothes and things, and maybe some books.
I need to tell Rob. Also, my paper currently sucks, and...why did I do a bad job again?
I would get caught up in small parts, and research something which would turn out to be useless.
I find it so hard to stay on track, I keep getting caught up wasting time in reading all these articles which turn out to do NOTHING for my paper, and then think, oh I should read more of the stalin book, and find something, write it down. and find myself unable to capture the main idea. and have to revise my thesis.
now the idea of seeing my relatives again is making me nauseous. at least i can drink.
I also have to do laundry. I fucking hate laundry. I have no socks. I'm going to steal some of grandpa's socks. I want to help out with the transition, liquidate the goods.
There will be a funeral on friday, at 11:00AM
I will have to bring my clothes and things, and maybe some books.
I need to tell Rob. Also, my paper currently sucks, and...why did I do a bad job again?
I would get caught up in small parts, and research something which would turn out to be useless.
I find it so hard to stay on track, I keep getting caught up wasting time in reading all these articles which turn out to do NOTHING for my paper, and then think, oh I should read more of the stalin book, and find something, write it down. and find myself unable to capture the main idea. and have to revise my thesis.
now the idea of seeing my relatives again is making me nauseous. at least i can drink.
I also have to do laundry. I fucking hate laundry. I have no socks. I'm going to steal some of grandpa's socks. I want to help out with the transition, liquidate the goods.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The woman and the women
well I feel like i'm facing a conundrum. We create our own values, and they must be tested against our life experiences, no? I always told myself when the right girl who likes me for who i am comes around, iwill be devoted to her as a great boyfriend. well, maybe i didn't think in such a polar term, but i did have this thought. this is one end of the scale.
the other is that...she would just be another woman. i want to have another or a third on call. i want to have "hand" or "power" in these relationships, so that these women would encircle me. but how many men are in this kind of situation? i don't know. but, by going into a "relationship" with one woman makes this thing change a lot. especially if it is discovered that you are seen with another woman, because that will jeapordize your relationship with the primary one. i have this theory i tell myself and others that i want to test. it involves being in close quarters, in close affinity with one woman. i want to see, that if this state of being with another person will make me appear/seem more attractive - making it EASIER to go out with a second or third woman. why? i don't know. it would stress me out, probably. i have a shitload of coursework to do at this point in my life, not to mention my living and financial situation are deemed possibly to change within the next couple months. but i think it would be interesting. i also wonder WHY do i not think i want to be in a relationship with someone who probably wants to be in one with me.
i am worried that it will tie me down from any other possible mates. it could, but they are usually rare in my life. but if the theory proves true, it won't be. how did i even meet this woman i'm going out with? it was random. a party. not much contact. but she made that move ...because she had enough alcohol in her. it was I who attracted her. I did not pursue her..not really at all. maybe she was desperate. her ex was nothing to consider anymore. maybe she was horny. i hope she still is. i want to try out those ultrathin condoms on her..hopefully clean pussy. i've never thought in these terms before, but it's changing things for me, not super significantly, but it leaves me less to worry about in one aspect of my life.
the handful of my friends that met her responded positively, at least in front of me. i worry about bringing her around campus a lot, thinking we'd feel out of place. she's talkative, as am i, but around her, she's the talker. my close friends smoke weed a lot, and she and i do not. i told them i'd never change, not even for a woman. my schedule and few priorities might, but that's all. i intend to stick to that. however, i'm trying to uncover why i do not want a relationship. am i self-conscious that she is not attractive or something? that's not true, she is pretty, and kinda hot. dresses well, looks good. she is larger than me, that's for sure. i don't know what to make of that, neither of us are really going to change in the short term, so that's just part of the package. she carries it well, but in the bedroom it all kinda comes out. but then its just her and i, and i deal with it, and enjoy it. i thought about girls with tight frames today, and oggled them. we want what we can't have, and must accept it.
but sleeping with this woman makes me cocky and confident for a while, then wears off. are our meetings to create this cycle? where, when it wears off, i'll tumble back to her bed...risking neediness? maybe she likes that. i don't know.
i feel like i have to keep a dual front. one side of indifference, to keep her coming back. the other - my own personal insecurities, spawning from my past blunders with the opposite sex, my deprived cock over the years, and ebb and flow of self-worth - these tumble out, and when they do, i pull her to me closer. maybe i need more time to accept these things. she likes me for who i am.
the other is that...she would just be another woman. i want to have another or a third on call. i want to have "hand" or "power" in these relationships, so that these women would encircle me. but how many men are in this kind of situation? i don't know. but, by going into a "relationship" with one woman makes this thing change a lot. especially if it is discovered that you are seen with another woman, because that will jeapordize your relationship with the primary one. i have this theory i tell myself and others that i want to test. it involves being in close quarters, in close affinity with one woman. i want to see, that if this state of being with another person will make me appear/seem more attractive - making it EASIER to go out with a second or third woman. why? i don't know. it would stress me out, probably. i have a shitload of coursework to do at this point in my life, not to mention my living and financial situation are deemed possibly to change within the next couple months. but i think it would be interesting. i also wonder WHY do i not think i want to be in a relationship with someone who probably wants to be in one with me.
i am worried that it will tie me down from any other possible mates. it could, but they are usually rare in my life. but if the theory proves true, it won't be. how did i even meet this woman i'm going out with? it was random. a party. not much contact. but she made that move ...because she had enough alcohol in her. it was I who attracted her. I did not pursue her..not really at all. maybe she was desperate. her ex was nothing to consider anymore. maybe she was horny. i hope she still is. i want to try out those ultrathin condoms on her..hopefully clean pussy. i've never thought in these terms before, but it's changing things for me, not super significantly, but it leaves me less to worry about in one aspect of my life.
the handful of my friends that met her responded positively, at least in front of me. i worry about bringing her around campus a lot, thinking we'd feel out of place. she's talkative, as am i, but around her, she's the talker. my close friends smoke weed a lot, and she and i do not. i told them i'd never change, not even for a woman. my schedule and few priorities might, but that's all. i intend to stick to that. however, i'm trying to uncover why i do not want a relationship. am i self-conscious that she is not attractive or something? that's not true, she is pretty, and kinda hot. dresses well, looks good. she is larger than me, that's for sure. i don't know what to make of that, neither of us are really going to change in the short term, so that's just part of the package. she carries it well, but in the bedroom it all kinda comes out. but then its just her and i, and i deal with it, and enjoy it. i thought about girls with tight frames today, and oggled them. we want what we can't have, and must accept it.
but sleeping with this woman makes me cocky and confident for a while, then wears off. are our meetings to create this cycle? where, when it wears off, i'll tumble back to her bed...risking neediness? maybe she likes that. i don't know.
i feel like i have to keep a dual front. one side of indifference, to keep her coming back. the other - my own personal insecurities, spawning from my past blunders with the opposite sex, my deprived cock over the years, and ebb and flow of self-worth - these tumble out, and when they do, i pull her to me closer. maybe i need more time to accept these things. she likes me for who i am.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Today I took
Today I took
.125mg alprazolam
20mg dextromethorphan
200mg guafenesin
100mg caffeine
doing better. want to reduce the amount of pills i have to take to feel decent, or at least not as bad.
.125mg alprazolam
20mg dextromethorphan
200mg guafenesin
100mg caffeine
doing better. want to reduce the amount of pills i have to take to feel decent, or at least not as bad.
Friday, February 26, 2010
hopefully better
Bobby wanted to try something new this Saturday morning. He wanted to get up early and see the sunrise like the villain on Captain Sassafras Molasses. He thought it would be exciting.
One day Bobby noticed that one of his sneakers was missing and he looked all over his room and house for it. He got frustrated and woke up his mother. "Mommy! Mommy! Have you seen my sneaker?"
"Bobby, I don't know.” She wiped some crust from her eye. “We can look for it later. Go back to sleep."
"But I need my shoes to get to the mire to see the sunrise!"
"Well, wear my slippers then and keep them clean."
"OK, thanks mommy!"
So Bobby ran to Mommy's closet and peered inside and found some big pink slippers and slid his feet into them and sauntered out of the house, careful not to let his feet out of the big, lanky grown-up shoes.
"Hmm," he thought to himself. "Which way was the mire again?" He stumbled back into his quiet house and woke up his father. "Daddy, daddy, which way is the mire?"
"Mmmph. Hmphf. Ughmm..."
"..."
"Umm, go around the left bend toward the meadow, but don't tread in it, that means you went too far. Make another left at the red rocks before the meadow and follow the rocky path down the swamp and you'll hit it. Run along now and be careful. I'm going back to bed. Mmphf."
"Thanks daddy!" said Bobby. He started to run out of the house, wanting to get there before sunrise, and almost tripped over his own feet in the process. "Stupid slippers! Well, better than being half barefoot on this rocky, muddy trail!" The sky was a dark velvet purple, with just enough clear moonlight for Bobby to find his way, but the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon. He took the left bend toward the meadow and slowly maneuvered over the red rocks and slid down the muddy path, careful not to soil the pink slippers. But his feet came loose and so did his grip on the branches sticking out from the walls of the trench. It got stepper and steeper and he panicked as his sliding became a roll and he spun down the path like a loose tire until he hit the bottom with a ker-plunk!.
It was a pool of viscous, gooey brown mud, a stew of plan debris and rocks, probably devoid of life.
It Everything was still when he reared his head and looked about the zone of muck and grime he'd gotten himself into. "Augh!" He shouted in peril. He thought about the shoe he was looking for and the pink slippers he must have soiled and left behind in his spontaneous descent until..."Aughh!" he screamed as he felt a strange, sharp pull on his leg. "What? Hey! Help!!" A new limb wrapped around his arm. He shouted and squirmed until he saw a rounded, mysterious stump looming, rising from the mud and then stopping. There was a hiss, and a "Kaugh....KAKAKAKAKAKaugh..."
"Ollie? Ollie!!" Bobby shouted with glee. He felt the claws unwind around his limbs and for the first time, was happy to be stuck in a pit of mud with an alligator.
The beast reared his stump of a head and bore its teeth and let out of a loud grunt.
"Bobby..." It spoke like an overflowing rain gutter, spewing water. "You can't just hop in here like a handicapped toad. I would have swallowed you whole!"
"It wasn't up to me, Ollie! The mire walls were super steep! What happened? Why are you here and not in the bog, anyway?"
"Oh, I moved here the other day. I did some remodeling to invite more...visitors. It worked for you, didn't it?"
"Yes, I guess so. Anyway the reason I stopped by is because I'm looking for the sunrise. And my other sneaker."
"Oh…Bobby. I’m afraid the sun’s been up for quite a while. But as for the shoe, heh, I think I got that. Gimme a sec." Ollie Alligator stood up high on his hind legs, rising out of the mire, spewing bits of mud everywhere while Bobby wipes some off his face. Nine feet is visible of his scaled husk of a body and he inhales a torrent of air into his dark green nostrils and takes a step back from his little human friend. And, perfectly on cue, he squirts from his giant tree trunk snout a monsoon of mud and gunk and half-digested food scraps, lining the mire with trash and debris. Bobby laughs and smiles at Ollie.
"I wish I could have done that at dinner last night...casserole again."
A loud belly chortle escapes Ollie. "Next time try to liberate those leftovers for me!"
Bobby eyed the now more-littered-than-ever mire. Lying in the mud were chicken bones, pieces of string, pages from a Berenstein Bears coloring book, old coins, fathers, scraps of colored paper, some metal trinkets, soup cans and lids, receipts, spent Borders gift cards, old moldy bread, a milk carton, a very wet shoe, a sleeping frog, a Band-Aid, someone's underwear, and what have you. The garbage tsunami came to an end with a few guttural belches from the giant reptile.
"Hey!" Bobby shouted. He waded through the gunk and grabbed a now dark green and brown sneaker.
"Just leave it by the fireplace tonight, it'll be good as new in the morning," Ollie instructed. "Oh, do you want this coloring book? Even though it's mostly colored…mud?"
"No thanks, Ollie. I just got the new Captain Sassafras Molasses one. My dad bought me it!" Ollie puts his snout under the surface and sucks up a piece of old chicken. "Cool! Well, have a safe trip home! And remember, the sun comes up every morning! Keep trying!"
"Thanks again, Ollie!" Bobby shouts back, relieved as he climbs up the walls of the valley of mud. Eventually, he made his way home, and in all his excitement, bumps into something and stops in his tracks. "Bobby," his mother said, "You made it!" She warmed him with an embrace. "Now, where are my slippers?
One day Bobby noticed that one of his sneakers was missing and he looked all over his room and house for it. He got frustrated and woke up his mother. "Mommy! Mommy! Have you seen my sneaker?"
"Bobby, I don't know.” She wiped some crust from her eye. “We can look for it later. Go back to sleep."
"But I need my shoes to get to the mire to see the sunrise!"
"Well, wear my slippers then and keep them clean."
"OK, thanks mommy!"
So Bobby ran to Mommy's closet and peered inside and found some big pink slippers and slid his feet into them and sauntered out of the house, careful not to let his feet out of the big, lanky grown-up shoes.
"Hmm," he thought to himself. "Which way was the mire again?" He stumbled back into his quiet house and woke up his father. "Daddy, daddy, which way is the mire?"
"Mmmph. Hmphf. Ughmm..."
"..."
"Umm, go around the left bend toward the meadow, but don't tread in it, that means you went too far. Make another left at the red rocks before the meadow and follow the rocky path down the swamp and you'll hit it. Run along now and be careful. I'm going back to bed. Mmphf."
"Thanks daddy!" said Bobby. He started to run out of the house, wanting to get there before sunrise, and almost tripped over his own feet in the process. "Stupid slippers! Well, better than being half barefoot on this rocky, muddy trail!" The sky was a dark velvet purple, with just enough clear moonlight for Bobby to find his way, but the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon. He took the left bend toward the meadow and slowly maneuvered over the red rocks and slid down the muddy path, careful not to soil the pink slippers. But his feet came loose and so did his grip on the branches sticking out from the walls of the trench. It got stepper and steeper and he panicked as his sliding became a roll and he spun down the path like a loose tire until he hit the bottom with a ker-plunk!.
It was a pool of viscous, gooey brown mud, a stew of plan debris and rocks, probably devoid of life.
It Everything was still when he reared his head and looked about the zone of muck and grime he'd gotten himself into. "Augh!" He shouted in peril. He thought about the shoe he was looking for and the pink slippers he must have soiled and left behind in his spontaneous descent until..."Aughh!" he screamed as he felt a strange, sharp pull on his leg. "What? Hey! Help!!" A new limb wrapped around his arm. He shouted and squirmed until he saw a rounded, mysterious stump looming, rising from the mud and then stopping. There was a hiss, and a "Kaugh....KAKAKAKAKAKaugh..."
"Ollie? Ollie!!" Bobby shouted with glee. He felt the claws unwind around his limbs and for the first time, was happy to be stuck in a pit of mud with an alligator.
The beast reared his stump of a head and bore its teeth and let out of a loud grunt.
"Bobby..." It spoke like an overflowing rain gutter, spewing water. "You can't just hop in here like a handicapped toad. I would have swallowed you whole!"
"It wasn't up to me, Ollie! The mire walls were super steep! What happened? Why are you here and not in the bog, anyway?"
"Oh, I moved here the other day. I did some remodeling to invite more...visitors. It worked for you, didn't it?"
"Yes, I guess so. Anyway the reason I stopped by is because I'm looking for the sunrise. And my other sneaker."
"Oh…Bobby. I’m afraid the sun’s been up for quite a while. But as for the shoe, heh, I think I got that. Gimme a sec." Ollie Alligator stood up high on his hind legs, rising out of the mire, spewing bits of mud everywhere while Bobby wipes some off his face. Nine feet is visible of his scaled husk of a body and he inhales a torrent of air into his dark green nostrils and takes a step back from his little human friend. And, perfectly on cue, he squirts from his giant tree trunk snout a monsoon of mud and gunk and half-digested food scraps, lining the mire with trash and debris. Bobby laughs and smiles at Ollie.
"I wish I could have done that at dinner last night...casserole again."
A loud belly chortle escapes Ollie. "Next time try to liberate those leftovers for me!"
Bobby eyed the now more-littered-than-ever mire. Lying in the mud were chicken bones, pieces of string, pages from a Berenstein Bears coloring book, old coins, fathers, scraps of colored paper, some metal trinkets, soup cans and lids, receipts, spent Borders gift cards, old moldy bread, a milk carton, a very wet shoe, a sleeping frog, a Band-Aid, someone's underwear, and what have you. The garbage tsunami came to an end with a few guttural belches from the giant reptile.
"Hey!" Bobby shouted. He waded through the gunk and grabbed a now dark green and brown sneaker.
"Just leave it by the fireplace tonight, it'll be good as new in the morning," Ollie instructed. "Oh, do you want this coloring book? Even though it's mostly colored…mud?"
"No thanks, Ollie. I just got the new Captain Sassafras Molasses one. My dad bought me it!" Ollie puts his snout under the surface and sucks up a piece of old chicken. "Cool! Well, have a safe trip home! And remember, the sun comes up every morning! Keep trying!"
"Thanks again, Ollie!" Bobby shouts back, relieved as he climbs up the walls of the valley of mud. Eventually, he made his way home, and in all his excitement, bumps into something and stops in his tracks. "Bobby," his mother said, "You made it!" She warmed him with an embrace. "Now, where are my slippers?
Rough draft transcription (hopefully in entirety)
One day Bobby noticed that one of his sneakers was missing and he looked all over his room and house for it. He got frustrated and woke up his mother. "Mommy! Mommy! Have you seen my sneaker?"
"Bobby, I don't know. We can look for it later. Go back to sleep."
"But I wanted to see the sunrise at the mire!"
"Well, wear my slippers then and keep them clean."
"OK, thanks mommy!"
So Bobby ran to Mommy's closet and peered inside and found some big pink slippers and slid his feet into them and sauntered out of the house, careful not to let his feet out of the big, lanky grown-up shoes.
"Hmm," he thought to himself. "Which way was the mire again?" He stumbled back into his quiet house and woke up his father. "Daddy, daddy, which way is the mire?"
"Mmmph. Hmphf. Ughmm..."
"..."
"Umm, go around the left bend toward the meadow, but don't tread in it, that means you went too far. Make another left at the red rocks before the meadow and follow the rocky path down the swamp and you'll hit it. Run along now and be careful. I'm going back to bed. Mmphf."
"Thanks daddy!" said Bobby. He started to run out of the house, wanting to get there before sunrise, and almost tripped over his own feet in the process. "Stupid slippers! Well, better than being half barefoot on this rocky, muddy trail!" The sky was a dark velvet purple, with just enough clear moonlight for Bobby to find his way, but the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon. He took the left bend toward the meadow and slowly maneuvered over the red rocks and slid down the muddy path, careful not to soil the pink slippers. But his feet came loose and so did his grip on the branches sticking out from the walls of the trench. It got stepper and steeper and he panicked as his sliding back a roll and he spun down the path like a loose tire until he hit the bottom of the mire, a pool of viscous, gooey brown mud, a stew of plan debris and rocks, probably devoid of life.
It was still when he reared his head and looked about the zone of muck and grime he'd gotten himself into. "Augh!" He shouted. He thought about the shoe he was looking for and the pink slippers he must have soiled and left behind in his spontaneous descent until..."Aughh!" he screamed as he felt a strange, sharp pull on his leg. "What? Hey! Help!!" A new limb wrapped around his arm. He shouted and squirmed until he saw a rounded, mysterious stump looming, rising from the mud and then stopping. There was a hiss, and a "Kaugh....KAKAKAKAKAKaugh..."
"Ollie? Ollie!!" Bobby shouted with glee. He felt the claws unwind around his limbs and for the first time, was happy to be stuck in a pit of mud with an alligator.
The beast reared his stump of a head and bore its teeth and let out of a loud grunt.
"Bobby..." It spoke like an overflown rain gutter, spewing water. "You can't just hop in here like a handicapped toad. I would have swallowed you whole!"
"It wasn't up to me, Ollie! The mire walls were super steep! What happened?"
"Oh, I've been doing a little remodeling to invite more...visitors. It worked for you, didn't it?"
"Yes, I guess so. Anyway the reason I stopped by is because I'm looking for a shoe."
"Heh, I think I got that. Gimme a sec." Ollie Alligator stood up high on his hind legs, rising out of the mire, spewing bits of mud everywhere while Bobby wipes some off his face. Nine feet is visible [...] and he inhales a torrent of air into his dark green nostrils and takes a step back from his little human friend. And, perfectly on cue he spits from his giant tree trunk snout a monsoon of mud and gunk and half-digested food scraps lining the mire with trash and debris. Bobby laughs and smiles at Ollie.
"I wish I could have done that at dinner last night...casserole again."
A loud belly chortle escapes Ollie. "Next time try to liberate those leftovers for me!"
Bobby eyed the now more-littered-than-before mire. Lying in the mud were chicken bones, pieces of string, pages from a Berenstein Bears coloring book, old coins, fathers, scraps of colored paper, some metal trinkets, soup cans and lids, receipts, spent Borders gift cards, old moldy bread, a milk carton, a shoe, a sleeping frog, a Band-Aid, someone's underwear, and what have you. It seemed like the garbage tsunami was coming to an end, all that Ollie was matriculating were now a few guttural belches.
"Hey!" Bobby shouted. He waded through the gunk and grabbed a now dark green and brown sneaker.
"Just leave it by the fireplace tonight, it'll be good as new in the morning," Ollie instructed. "Oh, do you want this coloring book? Even though...it's mostly colored mud?"
"No thanks, Ollie. I just got the new Captain Sassafras Molasses one. My dad bought me it!" Ollie puts his snout under the surface
and sucks up a piece of old chicken. "Cool! Well, have a safe trip home!"
"Thanks again, Ollie!" Bobby shouts back, relieved as he climbs up the walls of the valley of mud. Eventually, he made his way home, realizing he'd bumped into his mother. "Bobby," she said, "You made it!" She warmed him with an embrace. "Now, where are my slippers?"
"Bobby, I don't know. We can look for it later. Go back to sleep."
"But I wanted to see the sunrise at the mire!"
"Well, wear my slippers then and keep them clean."
"OK, thanks mommy!"
So Bobby ran to Mommy's closet and peered inside and found some big pink slippers and slid his feet into them and sauntered out of the house, careful not to let his feet out of the big, lanky grown-up shoes.
"Hmm," he thought to himself. "Which way was the mire again?" He stumbled back into his quiet house and woke up his father. "Daddy, daddy, which way is the mire?"
"Mmmph. Hmphf. Ughmm..."
"..."
"Umm, go around the left bend toward the meadow, but don't tread in it, that means you went too far. Make another left at the red rocks before the meadow and follow the rocky path down the swamp and you'll hit it. Run along now and be careful. I'm going back to bed. Mmphf."
"Thanks daddy!" said Bobby. He started to run out of the house, wanting to get there before sunrise, and almost tripped over his own feet in the process. "Stupid slippers! Well, better than being half barefoot on this rocky, muddy trail!" The sky was a dark velvet purple, with just enough clear moonlight for Bobby to find his way, but the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon. He took the left bend toward the meadow and slowly maneuvered over the red rocks and slid down the muddy path, careful not to soil the pink slippers. But his feet came loose and so did his grip on the branches sticking out from the walls of the trench. It got stepper and steeper and he panicked as his sliding back a roll and he spun down the path like a loose tire until he hit the bottom of the mire, a pool of viscous, gooey brown mud, a stew of plan debris and rocks, probably devoid of life.
It was still when he reared his head and looked about the zone of muck and grime he'd gotten himself into. "Augh!" He shouted. He thought about the shoe he was looking for and the pink slippers he must have soiled and left behind in his spontaneous descent until..."Aughh!" he screamed as he felt a strange, sharp pull on his leg. "What? Hey! Help!!" A new limb wrapped around his arm. He shouted and squirmed until he saw a rounded, mysterious stump looming, rising from the mud and then stopping. There was a hiss, and a "Kaugh....KAKAKAKAKAKaugh..."
"Ollie? Ollie!!" Bobby shouted with glee. He felt the claws unwind around his limbs and for the first time, was happy to be stuck in a pit of mud with an alligator.
The beast reared his stump of a head and bore its teeth and let out of a loud grunt.
"Bobby..." It spoke like an overflown rain gutter, spewing water. "You can't just hop in here like a handicapped toad. I would have swallowed you whole!"
"It wasn't up to me, Ollie! The mire walls were super steep! What happened?"
"Oh, I've been doing a little remodeling to invite more...visitors. It worked for you, didn't it?"
"Yes, I guess so. Anyway the reason I stopped by is because I'm looking for a shoe."
"Heh, I think I got that. Gimme a sec." Ollie Alligator stood up high on his hind legs, rising out of the mire, spewing bits of mud everywhere while Bobby wipes some off his face. Nine feet is visible [...] and he inhales a torrent of air into his dark green nostrils and takes a step back from his little human friend. And, perfectly on cue he spits from his giant tree trunk snout a monsoon of mud and gunk and half-digested food scraps lining the mire with trash and debris. Bobby laughs and smiles at Ollie.
"I wish I could have done that at dinner last night...casserole again."
A loud belly chortle escapes Ollie. "Next time try to liberate those leftovers for me!"
Bobby eyed the now more-littered-than-before mire. Lying in the mud were chicken bones, pieces of string, pages from a Berenstein Bears coloring book, old coins, fathers, scraps of colored paper, some metal trinkets, soup cans and lids, receipts, spent Borders gift cards, old moldy bread, a milk carton, a shoe, a sleeping frog, a Band-Aid, someone's underwear, and what have you. It seemed like the garbage tsunami was coming to an end, all that Ollie was matriculating were now a few guttural belches.
"Hey!" Bobby shouted. He waded through the gunk and grabbed a now dark green and brown sneaker.
"Just leave it by the fireplace tonight, it'll be good as new in the morning," Ollie instructed. "Oh, do you want this coloring book? Even though...it's mostly colored mud?"
"No thanks, Ollie. I just got the new Captain Sassafras Molasses one. My dad bought me it!" Ollie puts his snout under the surface
and sucks up a piece of old chicken. "Cool! Well, have a safe trip home!"
"Thanks again, Ollie!" Bobby shouts back, relieved as he climbs up the walls of the valley of mud. Eventually, he made his way home, realizing he'd bumped into his mother. "Bobby," she said, "You made it!" She warmed him with an embrace. "Now, where are my slippers?"
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
shapely thighs
Sick. Not just that coughing, illness-feeling sickness malaise. But a spiritual sickness that follows with it. The limbs and head ache, the body is so heavy and hard to move, the cough comes from the stomach, the mucous is disgustingly green and gross and seems to be everywhere. It's worst when the nose fills up all the way and you can't even breath. you don't want to.
And i say to people, i'm "kind of sick" because the truth is I feel sick almost every day in some way. i should go to the health center tomorrow. i think i have chronic sinus infections. I think I feel terrible.
This lady we saw today was stunning. She was also one of the few women in the film industry, capable of producing her own, or her husband's (she referred to him as her partner) films. She worked for a s oftware company and did artistic design too. one of her most viral projects was when she attached a camera to around her cat's neck and had it romp around for 24 hours. this made her cat famous. some of the pictures were so beautiful. that cat was so precious, you could tell they did well by the look of her cat.
the drugs don't work. that's why i'm afraid. i know how to self-medicate, but i don't know how to give myself surgery. i am still worried. i keep spacing out even though i am well-rested. maybe i should just sleep until i feel amazing. i know that won't happen. i don't want to be so depressed. i want to spread love all around the world. spread cream cheese on every bagel. spread apart every pair of big and shapely thighs. isn't that what i was made for? isn't that what i love.
And i say to people, i'm "kind of sick" because the truth is I feel sick almost every day in some way. i should go to the health center tomorrow. i think i have chronic sinus infections. I think I feel terrible.
This lady we saw today was stunning. She was also one of the few women in the film industry, capable of producing her own, or her husband's (she referred to him as her partner) films. She worked for a s oftware company and did artistic design too. one of her most viral projects was when she attached a camera to around her cat's neck and had it romp around for 24 hours. this made her cat famous. some of the pictures were so beautiful. that cat was so precious, you could tell they did well by the look of her cat.
the drugs don't work. that's why i'm afraid. i know how to self-medicate, but i don't know how to give myself surgery. i am still worried. i keep spacing out even though i am well-rested. maybe i should just sleep until i feel amazing. i know that won't happen. i don't want to be so depressed. i want to spread love all around the world. spread cream cheese on every bagel. spread apart every pair of big and shapely thighs. isn't that what i was made for? isn't that what i love.
Monday, February 8, 2010
super bowl
yesterday i returned to the retreat with alex and ariel. i am so attracted to ariel. but she is so ballsy and ball-busting now that we actually had a friendship experience hanging out at her place drinking and smoking and stuff. that night was fun. it's important to hang out with female friends and not just think of them as a means to an end. then I think I took a nap? I didn't do much and then went to a super bowl party with some beta friends, a strange circle that reminds me of high school freedom, mixed 50 50 but no real attraction...except to alex's legs. good lord. i was dead set then, having been timid to show much face when we went out to see the play. then i joined with my roommates' gang to go to a reading. that was fun but the bike ride was far more rewarding. i was glad to keep up to the best of my ability, and work my legs again. they aren't much stronger or better than me. i had fun.
Monday, January 25, 2010
worry
i woke up with strange worries about whether he lost someone behind.
whether he left someone behind him, when he came on this long mysterious trip on a whim with those sacrifices
whom he'd left behind. was he not doing enough to secure ties with the others living back at home?
he thought about leaving a message with his old therapist, whom he couldn't afford to pay or see
dennis i k now last time i said iw as having a great time but i think i am still too, but i'm also worried
i woke up anxious, thinking about ties iwth my father and a friend or two, and his family. he wanted to see them
and pour his heart out to them, his fears, his aspirations, and discuss the emptiness he felt sometimes
that empty...
returning was its goal, even though he fought so hard to ditch it in the field, like a rat in a jar he carried
but the anxieties and fear came back and thef irst thought, you know, was..."wow, i feel this way again.
it feels good in a weird way, that it reminds me where i came from, where i used to be. nostalgic."
but it doesn't pass like nostalgia does,
being back at the baseline you don't want to be
it hurts and its not even logical
you feel sick and it doesn't even make sense
I THOUGHT ABOUT waking someone up to talk to them about it but then thought about the dialogue that'd take place
what would be the first sentence to come out of my mouth, he thought
whether he left someone behind him, when he came on this long mysterious trip on a whim with those sacrifices
whom he'd left behind. was he not doing enough to secure ties with the others living back at home?
he thought about leaving a message with his old therapist, whom he couldn't afford to pay or see
dennis i k now last time i said iw as having a great time but i think i am still too, but i'm also worried
i woke up anxious, thinking about ties iwth my father and a friend or two, and his family. he wanted to see them
and pour his heart out to them, his fears, his aspirations, and discuss the emptiness he felt sometimes
that empty...
returning was its goal, even though he fought so hard to ditch it in the field, like a rat in a jar he carried
but the anxieties and fear came back and thef irst thought, you know, was..."wow, i feel this way again.
it feels good in a weird way, that it reminds me where i came from, where i used to be. nostalgic."
but it doesn't pass like nostalgia does,
being back at the baseline you don't want to be
it hurts and its not even logical
you feel sick and it doesn't even make sense
I THOUGHT ABOUT waking someone up to talk to them about it but then thought about the dialogue that'd take place
what would be the first sentence to come out of my mouth, he thought
Saturday, January 23, 2010
proust
Am I normal? Am I sick? Am I corrupted? Am I evil? These are how I feel when people respond to me. It is my fault sometimes, yes, and I am working on it. It was described to me that sometimes, when I am joking I use the same face I use when I am serious. Sure, I can work on that. Yes, that's OK. But i'm also funny with wit sometimes which isn't used in that respect. and it confuses me...i was at a social engagement. a few and i did'nt come off as my usual self. and sometimes I worry that if I think certain thoughts that they'll come true if I think about them. But I'm really big on...creating an environment where a dialogue, with a safe dialogue, where one can happen, and that we can have a conversationabout anything. that's why i don't give Give Ben any flak.
Everything should be discussed. Wait, no. That would be horrible!
Ahahah...let's agree, some things are better left unsaid. Even a brevity of speech, keeping it small and calculated would be best, but how am i gonna meet new people that way? a cute line? i need to come off less forced. iwould introduce myself to people that made eye contact and sound spastic. just be civil and casual. hey, i'm new in town. my name is marcus. was that so hard? no need to squirm or reel. ddddd or lets skip the intro duction too the intro duction off, this interdiction between ugh me and people i wnat to get to know or bang. or just kiss. i'll get to that later. it was interesting being interesting around that gay man. he was cute. i will admit that and there is nothing wrong with that. Sorry I got distracted. it's important to contemplate on the issues that make you feel ill. Gabe says he's aware of what usually makes him tick, that he's in sync with his autonomy. that's awesome.
i want to try what proust did but i realize its impossible to imitate, and worthless to aim for it. but his technique is worth trying. it would require roleplay, and my amount of dedication would have to mimick my acting skill. he was sick with asthma and had to stay at home. poor man. he is so wise. he was left with his papercrafting and memories and a pen. i wonder what his setup looked like. was it meagre or did it have a large desk and paintings, was he poor? was he ill? where does the whole madeleine thing come in anyway? i efel that way when i dip in cookies. i liked the descriptions that show how he goes into extreme detail, like the patterns on the napkins or the sound of water dripping onto a pipe, but aren't they ultimately pointless unless you can relate them to something? that would make...soemthing experimental if it doesn't relate, and genius if you can bound it to some sort of overarching theme. can you do that?
Everything should be discussed. Wait, no. That would be horrible!
Ahahah...let's agree, some things are better left unsaid. Even a brevity of speech, keeping it small and calculated would be best, but how am i gonna meet new people that way? a cute line? i need to come off less forced. iwould introduce myself to people that made eye contact and sound spastic. just be civil and casual. hey, i'm new in town. my name is marcus. was that so hard? no need to squirm or reel. ddddd or lets skip the intro duction too the intro duction off, this interdiction between ugh me and people i wnat to get to know or bang. or just kiss. i'll get to that later. it was interesting being interesting around that gay man. he was cute. i will admit that and there is nothing wrong with that. Sorry I got distracted. it's important to contemplate on the issues that make you feel ill. Gabe says he's aware of what usually makes him tick, that he's in sync with his autonomy. that's awesome.
i want to try what proust did but i realize its impossible to imitate, and worthless to aim for it. but his technique is worth trying. it would require roleplay, and my amount of dedication would have to mimick my acting skill. he was sick with asthma and had to stay at home. poor man. he is so wise. he was left with his papercrafting and memories and a pen. i wonder what his setup looked like. was it meagre or did it have a large desk and paintings, was he poor? was he ill? where does the whole madeleine thing come in anyway? i efel that way when i dip in cookies. i liked the descriptions that show how he goes into extreme detail, like the patterns on the napkins or the sound of water dripping onto a pipe, but aren't they ultimately pointless unless you can relate them to something? that would make...soemthing experimental if it doesn't relate, and genius if you can bound it to some sort of overarching theme. can you do that?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
do i dare wash up tonight
Do I dare wash up tonight?
My bare buns quivering in the stark, arctic closet
The chills should penetrate my skin no more than
my reek must permeate my denim greaves
That reek which waits to saturate at night
as I sleep tonight in covers,
the stank sweat foreruns -
for a stank next day
But tomorrow is a new day
and tomorrow is another day
A clean slate of sorts yet influenced
by ghastly nightly dreams delusions
the diary a grimoire of cobwebs and
confabulated memories catching
old loves before they lost
i shake still oily auburn locks at the
grid of stars below
on the pillow, on the cove of the 101
they interrogate me, they ask, "Why am
I slain?" "Why did you never return?"
And I cannot answer. This hour does not
call for sparse speech, it calls for flux
To wake then sleep then dream disrupts
Why have'st emotions evoke such foul
sometimes once but usually kindred spirits?
Saying prayers by the bed --
they come in doubles more haunting me
stopping by then wondering why
astral chains not cords, still torn asunder
something amiss in an urn of ash
something missing and wondering why
i shake still oily auburn locks at the
grid of stars below
on the alter, on the cove of the 101
do i dare wash up tonight?
i still miss someone.
tonight is colder,
tomorrow morning
still not sure
confessions to a wise showerhead
render me exposed!
Slightly haunted yet while
prayer conjures no bane
halfway immersed in
deaf dumb and blind
isolation chamber
the steam intoxicates but
skin clammy and cold and wet
so tensely rigid this
place is but unaware
My bare buns quivering in the stark, arctic closet
The chills should penetrate my skin no more than
my reek must permeate my denim greaves
That reek which waits to saturate at night
as I sleep tonight in covers,
the stank sweat foreruns -
for a stank next day
But tomorrow is a new day
and tomorrow is another day
A clean slate of sorts yet influenced
by ghastly nightly dreams delusions
the diary a grimoire of cobwebs and
confabulated memories catching
old loves before they lost
i shake still oily auburn locks at the
grid of stars below
on the pillow, on the cove of the 101
they interrogate me, they ask, "Why am
I slain?" "Why did you never return?"
And I cannot answer. This hour does not
call for sparse speech, it calls for flux
To wake then sleep then dream disrupts
Why have'st emotions evoke such foul
sometimes once but usually kindred spirits?
Saying prayers by the bed --
they come in doubles more haunting me
stopping by then wondering why
astral chains not cords, still torn asunder
something amiss in an urn of ash
something missing and wondering why
i shake still oily auburn locks at the
grid of stars below
on the alter, on the cove of the 101
do i dare wash up tonight?
i still miss someone.
tonight is colder,
tomorrow morning
still not sure
confessions to a wise showerhead
render me exposed!
Slightly haunted yet while
prayer conjures no bane
halfway immersed in
deaf dumb and blind
isolation chamber
the steam intoxicates but
skin clammy and cold and wet
so tensely rigid this
place is but unaware
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
busy theatre day
I was so weary yesterday! After 7+ hours of work I ran to the HCC to pick up a package, dropped it off, and ran back to Seminar II for rehearsals, not knowing what I was jumping into! It was amazing walking in there though, with instant attraction for me, possibly romantically, and for the arts too. I was in demand. My body, again. I was needed, but I had to be a decent actor, there are other auditions tomorrow but I had to do my best. I didn't feel like I did a good job but I earned points with Helen and....surprise! Claire! We sat together and shared a few laughs and maybe some rapport. Although I was on heavy guard after I've shared a minor social encounter or two with her before, and was misled, not called, but this is unique. If I'm picked it'll force us together, it's so awesome. And if not her, there's even that girl I made out with at that party, Grace, and a few other desirables. Who knew theatre was so good for the love life? How cool! But this could be good for me and Claire in the long term because we'll have a common interest. She even replied to my mocking Facebook entry seriously, and said "hopefully thursday". I don't want her to think I'm trying to fuck her again ASAP, because I'm not. I want to take it slow like Chase did with Nicole, but not too slow that she'll lose interest and I'm friendzoned. I was so alpha and that's why it worked so well. a lot of my outbursts followed with roaring laughter even though there were only like 12 people in the room. and I did this one reading with a girl who's name I can't remember and got a semi-boner because i was this doctor and we fell in love during the scene and she was breathing down my neck and embracing me and I felt giddy inside. and in another secene Helen got really close to me and I didn't know hwo to act. I wish I could act likeher. I almost made afool of myself at the end of the auditions when I accosted her and said "how can i act like you?" I also did this to demonstrate higher value to Claire, taking nancy's advice that she's a Leo and takes what she wants, and that if I pursue her too aggressively, it'll just push her away. I did my best at everything yesterday. I was scared for my health when I kept coughing while about to use the table saw. I was NOT ready for that. it was like when Mark got the stomach flu on Peep Show, it was terrible and i had to make like 3 bathroom breaks. I guess I am fragile in the morning, but I became OK. my mind was in such a fog around Emma that morning too I felt like such a fool. I need to get up earlier.
Friday, January 8, 2010
skateagain
Did you ever know a snippet of knowledge about Dr. Wicked? He's the long lost half brother of Dr. Horrible, actually. He's been working on a concoction of the most wicked things he can find. He's got a pot on a high fire brewing, stirring, cooking, looking, yearning, leaning over, smelling the fumes of diapers with broken velcro and stitches where the pooh and pee seeps out, the pill bottles mislabled as something else and you have no idea what you're taking, the Nexium mislabeled as Hydrocodone to the pharmacist's chagrin...or rather the patient's, the iPhone plug that won't accept non-Apple earbuds, the books with edges crinklecut so it's hard to flip thorugh them, the paper with the marginholes that are not reinforced and are so easily ripped out of binders, the french fries that are too salty and taste too salty, and yet you yearn fro the salt flavor so you keep eating them anyway in a cognitive dissonance-like fashion like cigarettes tht are so bad for you one would have to be insane to smoke, the lizard tails and skink tails that are cut off or even fall off in the burning eyes of a predator that regrow (why can't we harness this technology for humans? perhaps because tails are so simple) the keyboards that have the big groove in the middle that are more comfrotable at first yet are difficult to adjust for, people that hav trackballs set up on their computers for doing mouse-intensive music (my firend danny was working with FLStudio with a fucking trackball) the zippers that are meant to be attached backwards, but it's hard to tell, but they just don't weave, or stick together, the butter that melts on the countertop during the cooking process, so once it is chilled again its unable to hold its block form and becomes a grody amalgamation of milk and fat OH NO keep writing. the top buttons on your dress shirts, the stylish kind with the nice cut that are so tough to button you are faced with the conundrum of buttoning harder in minding that it might actually come off, or to give up and not button it and use that to yoru advantage in utilizing a new style, im sure you could make it work if you're alread buying nice fitted dress shirts like me, nd the backpacks that hang too low, and the messenger bags that flap against your body as you mingle arond with them in your flat feet (which prevented you from learning how to rollerskate you were the only one of our friends who couldn't nail it, but we are good enough friends that we showed you how, even though it only helped a little, it might take subsequent trips to really hrness the ability i promise to take you back on two dollar skate night wednesdays but i'll be wearing the rollerblades because they are easier, i cant evne wear those skates they feel like little ksateboards under my feet and the ground is slipping away from me, you gotta hold your feet sticking out diaganollly like this, angeled, sticking out, if they're sticking straight ahed you will fall, now lean forward just bit, yeah bend your knees and hahaha okay looking better now stand up straight get up and just you well skate on one skate at a time, yo push off with the other foot, yeh i know, but try it more, one foot at a time
Thursday, January 7, 2010
marta
- What are you doing?
- Hey, stop, it's not ready yet.
- Why?
- Come on, don't hover over my shoulder
I just want it to be perfect. A brilliant teal shimmer of the waters below struck through the reams of the bridge where the air and light of the day seeped through. He raked a hand through his hair and let a sigh. Patterns of flowers bloomed on the ceiling and walls - covered with old cloth and tarp, with reds magentas and lavenders on a seat of yellow felt sky. She asked Bethany who she really admired. I think Tim's acceptable, she said. I wonder what his dick is like. She laughs haughtily. I don't know though, when it really comes down to it I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being naked around him.
Beth, you can't let your personal fears about yourself permeate unto others! Just because you take your showers quick and they're eventful isn't a reason to make someone else uncomfortable! You're going to do it, and you're going to like it. Just put a blanket over yourself, keep it dark.
I don't know. I don't know - it might be cold or icy or something.
Beth - you have no idea. Once you start making out and rubbing each other, you'll be all hot and warm and it's nice.
Beth starts to get up and adjusts her skirt.
Hey, I'm not done yet!
OK fine.
Beth just, just have him over and talk.
About what? It'll just be awkward.
No no! It's only awkward if you make it, if you want it awkward. Just think...sexy. And cool, it'll be alright. Doesn't the idea of being naked with another boy send those tingles down your spine?
Maybe. Sometimes. But if i'm feeling uncomfortable about myself...it just won't feel right.
Well, how can you make it feel right? What do you need, some candles or something? Come on. It's just in your head. Have a drink. Shit.
Marta, i'm just. I'm just not like you. you could do this whenever you want, i need help.
Marta grabbed two soft hands and looked into Beth's hazel eyes. I'm here for you. If I wasn't your friend or didn't like you i wouldn't take the time to help you. i want you to have this experience with this boy because i know you'll like it. You just have to be ready.
OK. Thanks. I'm glad you're here. Thanks, OK? Marta gently holds Beth by her shoulders. She's leaning back but is rocked forward by her hips and Marta's touch. Marta's nose twitches for a second and her eyelids flutter. Beth sighs.
What's wrong anyway, Marta says. I just want you to have fun.
Beth whispers and looks at her shoes. She inhales through her nose and whispers i know Marta. Marta slowly drifts her white hands up Beth's neck and holds her. Beth looks down and breathes softly. Marta leans forward and Beth matches her gaze. Marta smiles and engages Beth's pink lips and she shudders.
Marta...
Another kiss.
Hm ?
It's just been so long...since I've had this.
...
...I know
Their eyes meet and their lips follow. Marta cranes her neck to the side and runs a hand through her hair.
- Hey, stop, it's not ready yet.
- Why?
- Come on, don't hover over my shoulder
I just want it to be perfect. A brilliant teal shimmer of the waters below struck through the reams of the bridge where the air and light of the day seeped through. He raked a hand through his hair and let a sigh. Patterns of flowers bloomed on the ceiling and walls - covered with old cloth and tarp, with reds magentas and lavenders on a seat of yellow felt sky. She asked Bethany who she really admired. I think Tim's acceptable, she said. I wonder what his dick is like. She laughs haughtily. I don't know though, when it really comes down to it I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being naked around him.
Beth, you can't let your personal fears about yourself permeate unto others! Just because you take your showers quick and they're eventful isn't a reason to make someone else uncomfortable! You're going to do it, and you're going to like it. Just put a blanket over yourself, keep it dark.
I don't know. I don't know - it might be cold or icy or something.
Beth - you have no idea. Once you start making out and rubbing each other, you'll be all hot and warm and it's nice.
Beth starts to get up and adjusts her skirt.
Hey, I'm not done yet!
OK fine.
Beth just, just have him over and talk.
About what? It'll just be awkward.
No no! It's only awkward if you make it, if you want it awkward. Just think...sexy. And cool, it'll be alright. Doesn't the idea of being naked with another boy send those tingles down your spine?
Maybe. Sometimes. But if i'm feeling uncomfortable about myself...it just won't feel right.
Well, how can you make it feel right? What do you need, some candles or something? Come on. It's just in your head. Have a drink. Shit.
Marta, i'm just. I'm just not like you. you could do this whenever you want, i need help.
Marta grabbed two soft hands and looked into Beth's hazel eyes. I'm here for you. If I wasn't your friend or didn't like you i wouldn't take the time to help you. i want you to have this experience with this boy because i know you'll like it. You just have to be ready.
OK. Thanks. I'm glad you're here. Thanks, OK? Marta gently holds Beth by her shoulders. She's leaning back but is rocked forward by her hips and Marta's touch. Marta's nose twitches for a second and her eyelids flutter. Beth sighs.
What's wrong anyway, Marta says. I just want you to have fun.
Beth whispers and looks at her shoes. She inhales through her nose and whispers i know Marta. Marta slowly drifts her white hands up Beth's neck and holds her. Beth looks down and breathes softly. Marta leans forward and Beth matches her gaze. Marta smiles and engages Beth's pink lips and she shudders.
Marta...
Another kiss.
Hm ?
It's just been so long...since I've had this.
...
...I know
Their eyes meet and their lips follow. Marta cranes her neck to the side and runs a hand through her hair.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
he found himself
He found himself concerned with the issues and ailments of others and occasionally, when at the homes of these particular others would, on a ritualized basis seek through pantries and kitchen drawers and make trips to the bathrooms of these others to discover any particular types of drugs or medications there were available and if they were drugs that he could abuse we would actually, under the cover of stealth open them and retrieve a small amount of pills, an amount he thought he could easily get away with. He also found it fun to analyze the people living at these homes and to think about what kind of conditions they had...like why does this woman take fluoxitine? Perhaps she is a depressed piece of mud and has self-image issues. Hahah, so good. You can learn much about a person by peering through their selections of amber and orange bottles. None of us knew, however, until some of our medications - unabsuable - began to go missing. I lost some allergy tablets and, it being about the time to renew a prescription have found myself without them for a week and a half and suffering from a crinkled up nose dripping mucous everywhere i shake my head it's quite terrible, and the eyes oh the eyes! they puff and swell and make me look Canadian. It must stop. The eyes puffy and my friend's thievery. So I asked my friends half-seriously if any of them were missing some pills. I kept it vague because it was just a hypothesis. Who would steal pills? If they were of any value, like Ritalin or Vicodin, they would have been kept elsewhere, or hidden from our parents so they wouldn't find out we were abusing them. Sorry, mom. But that's what you get for listening to the school psychologist. Sandy called me. She was crying, her ring of birth control pills was empty and she had just had sex with Donny the night before. I comforted her and said Sandy you have a 72 hour window and she said she knows she knows but the pills were expensive and her insurance was doing something because her dad's job was doing something and well it actually wasn't as big of a deal as she thought it would be and i was able to corral her into buying more and preventing a sour pregnancy.
Monday, January 4, 2010
a good scene I think!!
Okay so for the chive farmer and his son we can show that thing that demonstrates values at play with simple dialogue that has nothing to do with the scene but about the character
the father will be struggling something doing the same thing over and over again because he is traditional
the son will offer a solution that may not work but is something new because he is conventional and enterprising
so father talks oh shit Son I need your help (whats an example of something he needs help with?) sending an email? how do i send this email attachment i've clicked this button all the time that says add attachment over and over again
son says dad you need to click Browse (solution) for the file you actually wnt to attach (explanation)
have you even considered looking around the screen for a menu of some sort? (attack)
yes I have tried says the dad (defense) and no i didnt quite see the answer (passive response)
son says jeez dad we've been over this before (grumpy) its pretty simple, the browse box appears right after you click "attach" (explanation)
dad says its not my fault, the computer was making funny noises! (defense and displacement of problem) [beat] have you heard back from Cheryl?
I might have, if you weren't listening to my voicemail again...(passive aggressive almost)
dad retorts (aggressive) I would never do that! if i can't even send an email attachment how do you expect me to figure out your god damn cell phone? (anger)
well says the son perhaps you conscripted the help of an outside source (accusational) and you two were laughing about what a fruity juicy voicemail she sent me!
who would do that? there's marty and there's me. you're out of your mind. besides, that means you did hear back from her.
did you hear back from Ben about the case?
i might have, says the dad (playful) [we need to tone down how paranoid the son sounds]
son laughs well come on! (happy)
no i haven't, says the dad, but let me remind you again, don't you do anything with her until we find out what's really going on with her. (instructional) what would your friends think if they found out you were messing around with one of your relatives! [accusational]
we haven't messed around and we're not going to! [defense] and who would you be to talk if i made such a mistake? would my own father talk about my engagements?
i saw the way you guys were laughing about the sounds the printer was making. its lovers who are most likely to chatter about the most nonsensical things. it allows them an opening out of nothing. that's how it was when i met your mother. (factoid?) we were cracking up about the way the dog walked around with wet paws. it's almost like we were grasping at straws except it was effortless. but its only the littlest things that people who are in love would comment on. (nostalgic) or maybe people who are drinking or
-or people who don't want to listen to old men ramble about the past, retorted the son (popping memory bubble). [beat] tell me the truth about the investigator! (changing subject, moving on)
i haven't heard anything! take your time. if you really like her you should avoid her. (instructional) if you fall for her and we hear some news about the family i wouldn't know what to think.
what difference is it to you? and besides, what if this happened in days before you could hire private investigators? there'd be no issue. you know who married his cousin? (instructional and confrontational) Einstein. well, second cousin. who knows what Cheryl could be? first, second, third? it doesn't matter! (cocky)
its so clear you're enamored with her! he lifts his coffee cup up to his face and lowers it, as his talking interferes with the action. god damn it, why does it have to be her? he slams the cup and coffee spills out. of all the girls on this earth son it has to be your cousin!
hey, we don't know if she is or isn't yet. if she isn't do you promise to get off my back? (apologetic almost)
not if you're gonna be a little cocky sonofabitch about it. (aggressive)
OK, dad, come on, let's relax.
the father will be struggling something doing the same thing over and over again because he is traditional
the son will offer a solution that may not work but is something new because he is conventional and enterprising
so father talks oh shit Son I need your help (whats an example of something he needs help with?) sending an email? how do i send this email attachment i've clicked this button all the time that says add attachment over and over again
son says dad you need to click Browse (solution) for the file you actually wnt to attach (explanation)
have you even considered looking around the screen for a menu of some sort? (attack)
yes I have tried says the dad (defense) and no i didnt quite see the answer (passive response)
son says jeez dad we've been over this before (grumpy) its pretty simple, the browse box appears right after you click "attach" (explanation)
dad says its not my fault, the computer was making funny noises! (defense and displacement of problem) [beat] have you heard back from Cheryl?
I might have, if you weren't listening to my voicemail again...(passive aggressive almost)
dad retorts (aggressive) I would never do that! if i can't even send an email attachment how do you expect me to figure out your god damn cell phone? (anger)
well says the son perhaps you conscripted the help of an outside source (accusational) and you two were laughing about what a fruity juicy voicemail she sent me!
who would do that? there's marty and there's me. you're out of your mind. besides, that means you did hear back from her.
did you hear back from Ben about the case?
i might have, says the dad (playful) [we need to tone down how paranoid the son sounds]
son laughs well come on! (happy)
no i haven't, says the dad, but let me remind you again, don't you do anything with her until we find out what's really going on with her. (instructional) what would your friends think if they found out you were messing around with one of your relatives! [accusational]
we haven't messed around and we're not going to! [defense] and who would you be to talk if i made such a mistake? would my own father talk about my engagements?
i saw the way you guys were laughing about the sounds the printer was making. its lovers who are most likely to chatter about the most nonsensical things. it allows them an opening out of nothing. that's how it was when i met your mother. (factoid?) we were cracking up about the way the dog walked around with wet paws. it's almost like we were grasping at straws except it was effortless. but its only the littlest things that people who are in love would comment on. (nostalgic) or maybe people who are drinking or
-or people who don't want to listen to old men ramble about the past, retorted the son (popping memory bubble). [beat] tell me the truth about the investigator! (changing subject, moving on)
i haven't heard anything! take your time. if you really like her you should avoid her. (instructional) if you fall for her and we hear some news about the family i wouldn't know what to think.
what difference is it to you? and besides, what if this happened in days before you could hire private investigators? there'd be no issue. you know who married his cousin? (instructional and confrontational) Einstein. well, second cousin. who knows what Cheryl could be? first, second, third? it doesn't matter! (cocky)
its so clear you're enamored with her! he lifts his coffee cup up to his face and lowers it, as his talking interferes with the action. god damn it, why does it have to be her? he slams the cup and coffee spills out. of all the girls on this earth son it has to be your cousin!
hey, we don't know if she is or isn't yet. if she isn't do you promise to get off my back? (apologetic almost)
not if you're gonna be a little cocky sonofabitch about it. (aggressive)
OK, dad, come on, let's relax.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It made him irritable to think about what hoops he'd have to jump through to see her again. What kind of interaction would have to create? To falsify some sort of encounter? Once he came to her door with her necklace and knocked. Her roommate answered and he made her promise she wouldn't tell her he was there. He realized that was a bad idea afterwards. The girl wasn't even home so all he did was make a fool of himself!
Write or Die
James thought he saw her out of the corner of his eye. He sat in the main room of the housing community center, trying to read. He thought he saw her going into the laundry room, adjacent and through a window. He focused his eyes ahead, at the connecting hallway, flirting with the idea that she'd walk through and he'd get a quick reaffirming glance and return his eyes to his instructional writing book before she would notice. If he saw her and she didn't see him see her, it would be in his favor, for he would know she was there without her knowing he was watching her. If she caught him staring at her it would be horrible, worse than anything because it would reveal his insecurity and the fact that he can't get over her, and has not gotten over her and that he wants the day they met to be replayed over and over. It was true, but only to him. And that's all that mattered, because it was his fantasy after all. If she saw his eye and it was lowered toward the book, reading words and not her face, it would demonstrate higher value for him and work toward his favor as that was the image he was trying to generate.
he thought about how stupid this social politic was, why little mind games must be played, but told himself, "they are what have worked before. when I danced and smiled with her at the party first I planted the seed of my image. But i had to leave that seed alone before it would grow, and I danced with another woman to show that I wasn't stuck on anyone in particular - and for her to know this was priceless. it's what worked. I made her jealous and she came back to show me what dance moves she could do. she fought for me and won."
But still, there was no dance party here. This was a housing community center and it was quiet. There was a party of three playing pool, chattering loudly on the far end, distracting him from his thoughts somewhat and from his book severely. But he adjusted and waited for her to pass through the hallway so he could reaffirm who it was. Through a foggy window toward the adjacent laundry room a figure moved and it wasn't her. If it was her, she would carry her laundry toward him, because her apartment was on the close side of the building, not on the far side. This figure walked toward the far side and also looked different. The one he thought was her didn't enter the laundry room at all and simply passed around, only the light in the window made her blonde hair twinkle. That one might have been her. The one that got away. He continued with his book briefly before he got irritated and wanted to write down what just happened. How good a scene the actions and thoughts he thought would make for a story.
he thought about how stupid this social politic was, why little mind games must be played, but told himself, "they are what have worked before. when I danced and smiled with her at the party first I planted the seed of my image. But i had to leave that seed alone before it would grow, and I danced with another woman to show that I wasn't stuck on anyone in particular - and for her to know this was priceless. it's what worked. I made her jealous and she came back to show me what dance moves she could do. she fought for me and won."
But still, there was no dance party here. This was a housing community center and it was quiet. There was a party of three playing pool, chattering loudly on the far end, distracting him from his thoughts somewhat and from his book severely. But he adjusted and waited for her to pass through the hallway so he could reaffirm who it was. Through a foggy window toward the adjacent laundry room a figure moved and it wasn't her. If it was her, she would carry her laundry toward him, because her apartment was on the close side of the building, not on the far side. This figure walked toward the far side and also looked different. The one he thought was her didn't enter the laundry room at all and simply passed around, only the light in the window made her blonde hair twinkle. That one might have been her. The one that got away. He continued with his book briefly before he got irritated and wanted to write down what just happened. How good a scene the actions and thoughts he thought would make for a story.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)