well I feel like i'm facing a conundrum. We create our own values, and they must be tested against our life experiences, no? I always told myself when the right girl who likes me for who i am comes around, iwill be devoted to her as a great boyfriend. well, maybe i didn't think in such a polar term, but i did have this thought. this is one end of the scale.
the other is that...she would just be another woman. i want to have another or a third on call. i want to have "hand" or "power" in these relationships, so that these women would encircle me. but how many men are in this kind of situation? i don't know. but, by going into a "relationship" with one woman makes this thing change a lot. especially if it is discovered that you are seen with another woman, because that will jeapordize your relationship with the primary one. i have this theory i tell myself and others that i want to test. it involves being in close quarters, in close affinity with one woman. i want to see, that if this state of being with another person will make me appear/seem more attractive - making it EASIER to go out with a second or third woman. why? i don't know. it would stress me out, probably. i have a shitload of coursework to do at this point in my life, not to mention my living and financial situation are deemed possibly to change within the next couple months. but i think it would be interesting. i also wonder WHY do i not think i want to be in a relationship with someone who probably wants to be in one with me.
i am worried that it will tie me down from any other possible mates. it could, but they are usually rare in my life. but if the theory proves true, it won't be. how did i even meet this woman i'm going out with? it was random. a party. not much contact. but she made that move ...because she had enough alcohol in her. it was I who attracted her. I did not pursue her..not really at all. maybe she was desperate. her ex was nothing to consider anymore. maybe she was horny. i hope she still is. i want to try out those ultrathin condoms on her..hopefully clean pussy. i've never thought in these terms before, but it's changing things for me, not super significantly, but it leaves me less to worry about in one aspect of my life.
the handful of my friends that met her responded positively, at least in front of me. i worry about bringing her around campus a lot, thinking we'd feel out of place. she's talkative, as am i, but around her, she's the talker. my close friends smoke weed a lot, and she and i do not. i told them i'd never change, not even for a woman. my schedule and few priorities might, but that's all. i intend to stick to that. however, i'm trying to uncover why i do not want a relationship. am i self-conscious that she is not attractive or something? that's not true, she is pretty, and kinda hot. dresses well, looks good. she is larger than me, that's for sure. i don't know what to make of that, neither of us are really going to change in the short term, so that's just part of the package. she carries it well, but in the bedroom it all kinda comes out. but then its just her and i, and i deal with it, and enjoy it. i thought about girls with tight frames today, and oggled them. we want what we can't have, and must accept it.
but sleeping with this woman makes me cocky and confident for a while, then wears off. are our meetings to create this cycle? where, when it wears off, i'll tumble back to her bed...risking neediness? maybe she likes that. i don't know.
i feel like i have to keep a dual front. one side of indifference, to keep her coming back. the other - my own personal insecurities, spawning from my past blunders with the opposite sex, my deprived cock over the years, and ebb and flow of self-worth - these tumble out, and when they do, i pull her to me closer. maybe i need more time to accept these things. she likes me for who i am.
No comments:
Post a Comment