weeelll iuh

we;ll due to a strange turn of events ive developed a minor psychological problem within my brain like a chemical imagbalance where i may shift from a minor mania, like well tis cvalled a hypomania like a minor manic state and also shift to a minor depression too however this has hade a major impact on my philosophy in life
and i have held it to be true to this day where i believe
in a special, particular kind of balance, not like karma, where you create the happenings, but the happenings that occur upon you work in a sort of give or take system whereas
whence upon a positive, perhaps even ecstatically joyful event mayhaps occur give or take a depressing blunder upon the next day but the powers seem to find a way to balance out in the vice-versa, i should say, whereas the converse holds true - should i be bestowed a negative haze, either in affect or fortune the ball will eventually bounce back toward the opposing field.

marcus you can't blame yourself for feeling bent out of shape when girlie hasn't responded yet.
maybe she lost her phone or is uncomfortable using it right now or somethign weird, i dont know
but point is, even if you two don't cultivate anything anew you lived a wonderful passionate experience and it is
truely yours to keep and to hold on to

when we first met i knew that i would at least end up making out with her, the way we greeted and spoke to each
other. it was kind of funny though because Helen was there and i got her number and want to invite her over as well
perhaps a taste of her for next time. but with Claire, the dancing seemed to last so long, and I was having my
doubts but i'm so glad, marcus, that you decided to hang on! you stayed hydrated, took breaks with Steph to smoke,
heh, and did the right things, i'm so proud of you. your dad would be too.

it felt different from having sex it felt like making love, the way we cuddled around the blanket,
naked bodies
pieces touching warmth
again
anew
get up before noon

everything is fine and cool. last night i was hanging out with B and Jason and Vill B and his ex
girlfriend who he is hooking up with, Ida she is cool and i like her has a temporary friend and i bet if
she wasn't having sex with Will I could make it happen, but I have this cool aura of comfort around her knowing
that there's no pressure to make a move and she can smell that confidence. anyway Will whispered in my ear as he
left to check out a sober living community to stay with Ida while Jason was around because he did something dumb
the night before, apparently asking her to kiss him or something poor guy doesn't get it
i'm just glad from all my social blunders i've learned from them, improved myself and now i can safely say i'm the best i've ever been. i think mom would be so proud of me. i miss her a lot it'd be more incentive to come home. calling dad isn't really fulfilling that need of "calling home", tara seems to do a better job. even though he's happy and having a great time it's just kind of a one-sided conversation and that bugs me.
I wish travel this time of the year wasn't so expensive. god damnit but otherwise life is good and its not just because i'm on Tramadol i'm glad i went to the city today im enjoying the cafe

Wow, well

It's certainly been a long time. I am writing to you today because my head is so clouded, my emotions are so blunted and blurred, I don't know how to feel. I had the night of my life with a woman I can't help but fall for, and have no idea where she is or when I'll see her again, and I'm being stopped short in my pursuit by whimsical aphorisms in the art of dating demanding I "play it cool" to not seem too clingy. I guess it makes sense, I don't want to scare her. I guess I must be coy if I want her to stick around. Generally, from what I know and have observed, getting in too deep will push her away, and acting like I don't need it, or can find someone else in due time will make her want to cling. I want her to cling, so bad, but to do this I must act opposingly. So bizarre the world we live in. We had sex, and I lost the V card. She doesn't know yet. Yep. Played it like a natural. I've had so many experiences granting me inch and inch but this time I just stole the whole nine yards, and I'd do it again and again. But I gotta say, the intercourse really wasn't the best part. I mean, it was good, but with a condom at all I definitely couldn't ejaculate with that sheath on. Which is good in a way, for her, I mean she came twice. So hot and I wasn't even aware of it at the time, only in retrospect. I'll come back to this, it's what's driving me mad. The best part was after she went to clean herself up, the mess I made on her that she loved so much (she seemed to love everything I did, like it was unreal) and wore my blanket like a robe and i held the ends and draped it around us, both of us naked and our bodies just touching, and the feel of her hair and her bush and her tummy and breasts against mine and her butt as she slept, so cute. I couldn't sleep and got up, pulled my arm out from under her, went pee, ate something, tried to get back to sleep but it wasn't working, got up again to lock the door before G opened up, didn't want to make him uncomfortable.
But now I'm just lost. During the affair it felt so normal and right but now in retrospect it was anything but, it was heaven and a dream and so lovely...lovely that's her title on my phone, and she knows about it, I'm gonna call in the evening, if she says I can't come by I left or am about to leave I hope I can stop myself from sounding clingy, I'll just try to say, "Aww...that's too bad! But we'll see each other again before you know it!" with a positive spin. I dunno, maybe just the first part. I should call Helen.
I had such a bounce in my step walking around the mall the other day. Not the uncomfortable skin I'm so used to. In the library now, can't stop looking at other pretty girls, it's never gonna end. I quelled the interest but the interest is never gonna die. But I can't wait to see this girl again, and I can't hide that but it's making me feel so weird today. And yesterday, disappointed, and it was showing and I couldn't help but talk about it with Nik and B and share my interest. Heard some weird stories about girl but don't care. Hungry and derailed, weary-eyed, music isn't helping, i need more, more stuff. Beer and weed don't help either. Ugh. Now I know what all those fucking songs were speaking of.