Well somehow, I'm still hitting 37 hours this pay period despite skipping president's day, and hardly doing anything on Thursday, where our city was hit with roughly 5-6 inches of snow. Maybe because I'm counting today, where I inflated my workday by about half an hour. That's all done.
I'm gonna make rent! Now I just have to hang out here and look busy for another six hours, and I'll be free to work on that paper...or get some rest. I stayed up late last night but had a lot of fun. I decided to kick it old-school and smoke up campfire style. I laid under both of my blankets and ensured there was no way for light or air to pass through, and smoked the rest of the bowl I had loaded. Then I layed out, listening to the dreampop and constant whirr of my room's heater in the background. Does well to smudge out the background noises and voices downstairs. I want to edit some of the blog post I wrote last night. It felt like I had something going on there, but I'm going to bet most of it was hufflepuff. But I felt so energized last night!
Flirting does that to you. At that concert last night I thought a lot about my relationship, and how I could rationalize cheating on my girlfriend as this is my first real relationship, I'm allowed some...trial and error. That's cute. That's a real cute excuse. But I'd still be the shit head in the situation.
But it would be empowering. Dostoevsky wrote in the Possessed about how suicide was man's ultimate expression of autonomy against God, well I suppose consciously cheating is the same thing for a relationship. Or I could just tell her the truth after the fact and see what would become of it. Honestly, I think she wouldn't be strong enough to dump me for it. Maybe she would just shun me for a few days, be broken hearted, then I'd saunter in, make some "cute" jokes, and win her back.
I was also thinking, how would I feel if she cheated on me? And I think it would just make me want to have her more, as it would bring recognition to its (the relationship's) ultimate fleetingness. Neither of us are going to stay together forever, so what difference does it make? But I also recognize what's wrong with this situation. Don't fuck with a sensitive girl's feelings. Don't do it, don't hurt her, she doesn't deserve that.
Hmm.. OK. So I can cheat on her, and as long as she doesn't find out, it's OK. No! That's even worse. I'd lose the virtue of candour and I couldn't actually say I "acted in my fullest autonomy to defy the boundaries of the relationship." But that's silly, stupidly more philosophical than I analyze anything I do, and is rationally superfluous to think about it like that. But that's all I'm doing, overthinking what I probably won't do. I might just be hitting that wall again, when I was first hesitant to be part of this entity. Committment vs non-committment. Well, I'll let you guys know what happens. Not that I really have a choice anyway.
joke life
Monday, February 28, 2011
holy stats!
Look, things are getting better I almost have readers!
Not that I give a shit or anything.
But, look!
i wonder why that one posts got so many views (15). I'm sure 3 of them were from me on different computers and the other 12 from that Russian search engine. Maybe it's a sign that my first publishable novel will first be translated into Russian. By me. I dunno. Good night.
Not that I give a shit or anything.
But, look!
i wonder why that one posts got so many views (15). I'm sure 3 of them were from me on different computers and the other 12 from that Russian search engine. Maybe it's a sign that my first publishable novel will first be translated into Russian. By me. I dunno. Good night.
asdf 2/28
we're not happy til we're running away
clouds in your eyes
with nothing but the foggiest day
such a pretty song.
saw them play today.
it was fun.
dormant thoughts about the components of a film review. listened to the album and considered it by breaking up by different musical elements: the vocals, the synth, the lead guitar, rhythm, vocals, bass, drumming, energy, tone, genre or subgenre, the season evoked, the year of its release, the time of its release, the political atmosphere of the world at the time of its release... that sort of thing. disregard the last part.
can't sleep. i told myself it doesn't even matter how many hours of sleep i get tomorrow, i'll feel like shit anyway without coffee. and then once i have the coffee i'll realize I still feel like shit. my favorite professor here (whom i currently have) said there was this uncanny effect where a person will take on the persona of their job, internalize their responsibilities there subconsciously, and will assume the identity of that job's role. I hope this only applies while they're on the job, and not all the time. But it would certainly explain the gap between the rich and poor in this country. But then it undergoes the chicken and the egg question: do the wealthy exude a certain personality, or are they wealthy because they act "wealthy"? And then you have to consider where the wealth comes from - is it old money or new money? This makes me realize I have veered off the path I was going with my initial idea (of this paragraph) - do I feel shitty because my job is shitty? Or is my job shitty because I'm shitty? Or is this just a 1st-world problem (I work in an office) as I'm shitty for not realizing how grateful I should be to work this job? As so many people, including my father, are out of work right now and my rate of pay couldn't be beat with my student status and my city's local economy...shouldn't I work each moment with pride and apprecitation, dutifully? Nah, fuck it, school is more important and I should do the most dicking around as possible in these early years of employment because it's almost impossible for me to get fired while I can still get a kickass reference from someone who's not my dick of a boss, but my understanding manager. I wished I got to formally learn more fundamentals of running a small business...but I think I've picked a lot of it up directly and with doing some project management work. A lot of it is really shitty, though.
clouds in your eyes
with nothing but the foggiest day
such a pretty song.
saw them play today.
it was fun.
dormant thoughts about the components of a film review. listened to the album and considered it by breaking up by different musical elements: the vocals, the synth, the lead guitar, rhythm, vocals, bass, drumming, energy, tone, genre or subgenre, the season evoked, the year of its release, the time of its release, the political atmosphere of the world at the time of its release... that sort of thing. disregard the last part.
can't sleep. i told myself it doesn't even matter how many hours of sleep i get tomorrow, i'll feel like shit anyway without coffee. and then once i have the coffee i'll realize I still feel like shit. my favorite professor here (whom i currently have) said there was this uncanny effect where a person will take on the persona of their job, internalize their responsibilities there subconsciously, and will assume the identity of that job's role. I hope this only applies while they're on the job, and not all the time. But it would certainly explain the gap between the rich and poor in this country. But then it undergoes the chicken and the egg question: do the wealthy exude a certain personality, or are they wealthy because they act "wealthy"? And then you have to consider where the wealth comes from - is it old money or new money? This makes me realize I have veered off the path I was going with my initial idea (of this paragraph) - do I feel shitty because my job is shitty? Or is my job shitty because I'm shitty? Or is this just a 1st-world problem (I work in an office) as I'm shitty for not realizing how grateful I should be to work this job? As so many people, including my father, are out of work right now and my rate of pay couldn't be beat with my student status and my city's local economy...shouldn't I work each moment with pride and apprecitation, dutifully? Nah, fuck it, school is more important and I should do the most dicking around as possible in these early years of employment because it's almost impossible for me to get fired while I can still get a kickass reference from someone who's not my dick of a boss, but my understanding manager. I wished I got to formally learn more fundamentals of running a small business...but I think I've picked a lot of it up directly and with doing some project management work. A lot of it is really shitty, though.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
last night
A pulled me aside and said she had a dream about me. I teased her to get her to tell me about it. She said "I had a dream where I had sex with you." I laughed, honestly, and said "OK, I only have one question though...was it good?" "Yes!" she said and smiled which turned to laughter and I laughed too. I don't know where that went, but I think I said something about being taken, for now. We flirted all night. Wow, too bad she spent the night with my dumb sarcastic friend. And too bad I have a girlfriend. I dreamed about her last night, actually. We were on some bleachers, the sky was clear. I said, can you keep a secret? She said yeah, and I pulled her to me and kissed her. Maybe I should tell her this.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Custody over Remains
I'm going to send my step-father (is he even my step-father anymore?) about my mom's remains. He married her in 2006. She died at the end of the year. He remarried last year. She was married to my father for 20-something years, but that didn't last, she'll always be my mother. I think it is a modest proposal, a simple request, not too naggy of a question. I haven't even seen the remains, though. They're in an urn, usually, but what's inside? Is it full of powder? I hope I don't get high one night and start trying to feel around in it. My step-dad is spiritual, my father is not. The very concept of keeping someone's remains is quite spiritual. I'm only really spiritual when it involves desperate calls to my astrologer (and I only believe in it when I talk to her). I'm spiritual when it comes to illogical things. Like about what will help me last longer in bed, or what will get my girlfriend off, or what will help me remember things for a geography quiz. I don't know if having my mother's remains in my bedroom will make me feel more like she's "with me." Maybe that's weird. I know, in the months after her death, my step-dad told me he talked to her portrait on the wall. I've only talked to her in my head. It's about the same, though.
Monday, February 21, 2011
my last 7 years
I've been trying to outline them, although my memory has been failing me. Here's what I've got so far. Wish I had some weed. Will add more as I remember more. Feel like this says a lot about me, and how I've progressed.
Feb 21st 2011 - today
Jan 2011 - Officially girlfriended
Aug 2010 - Started my part-time job for mental health website
June 2010 - Moved off-campus to first real apartment on my own dime
June 2010 - Finish first year at real college, wrote notable 16pg thesis
Nov 2009 - First drunken college hook-up. Remembered to wrap it. Thought I was in love with her and got shut down. Glad to learn that lesson early on.
Sept 2009 - Moved to this new city in this new state to this new college, on campus
Sept 2009 - Resigned from social media agency job, completed noteworthy final report while being served captains and coke by my superiors
June 2009 - Accepted to out of state college. Expensive, but necessary.
Spring 2009 - Finish semester at local community college on a high note. Studied philosophy and business law, can't remember what else
Late 2008 - Dropped out of first community college. frustrated with lack of friends, support, and 30 mile commute
June 2008 - Grandmother dies. Notice that I'm able to cry at funeral (I could not at my mother's) as I'm no longer on antidepressants.
Early 2008 - Finish half-assed semester at first community college. Loved abnormal psychology, but got a C. Want to be a therapist but don't want to go to grad school.
Late 2007 - Start paid internship at social media agency in downtown LA. Learn a lot.
Summer 2007 - Spend two weeks in Paris, France. Lived in hostels, visited museums, pub crawls, late nights on my lonesome and with quickly-found friends. loved every minute of it. Paid for it with some college money my grandmother invested for me. Don't know where most of it went. Lived frugally otherwise.
Summer 2007 - Graduated from local high school. 2.8 weighted GPA
Spring 2007 - Continued Psychotherapy with famous MFT therapist. Can't remember if this was before or after Paris, or if Paris trip was in the middle.
Early 2007 - Get my driver's license. Delayed by arrest in 2006.
Early 2007 - Dad loses his job as mail room manager for WGA pension fund. He was there for 28 years. Gets a minor pension, but we lose our health insurance.
Dec 21st, 2006 - My mother loses battle with breast cancer at age 52. Read poem for large crowd at memorial service. Dress in all black. Cruel enjoyment in pathos. Enjoy the wake at step-dad's house in Ventura county. Mom was cremated.
June 2006 - My mom's wedding with my step-father. I mix muscle relaxants with alcohol and pass out in my aunt's Explorer.
Mid 2006 - Seeing psychiatrist in private practice for depression and anxiety (concurrent with seeing psychotherapist). Through this doctor, I experiment with Paxil, Welbutrin, Lexapro, and Effexor.
Mid 2006 - Pulled over and arrested on major street in my suburban hellhole on my way to Taco Bell. Driving without a license (just permit) blowing 0.04 BAC. (2 glasses of wine). Takes me longer to get my license. Fortunately, at my court hearing, the case was thrown out. Otherwise I would have had a DUI on my record at age 16. Blame my impulsiveness on the new Lexapro regimen.
Fall 2006 - Start senior year at local high school. Must take community college courses for credit to graduate.
April 2006 - Mom's divorce from Dad finalized.
Spring 2006 - Win award for best feature article in my school's newspaper - interviewed and wrote about teacher's Celtic band sideproject.
Fall 2005 - Junior year at local high school. Meet mentor who I'm still in contact with. Discover interest in writing and literature and possible potential. Still haven't taken full advantage of it. Can't believe that was 6 years ago...
Late 2004 - Graduate from drug court program. Acquitted of all felonies. Stepdad attends. Hard to believe he was in my life at this point.
Late 2004 - School cop told my mother I was suspected of stealing a red bull from local grocery store. We agree to transfer me to local high school in the next year.
Fall 2004 - Witness riot and "rumble" between blacks and mexicans at first high school from science building during chem class. Managed to get a C in that class, I think.
Mid 2004 - Start developing rituals of doing drugs alone. Painkillers, weed, amphetamines, and DXM. These rituals subside a bit during my time in drug court, as I'm being drug tested and can't smoke weed. But they increase during my junior year in high school.
Mid 2004 - Spend a lot of time on internet forum and playing internet games with internet friends. Look at pictures of naked women. Make dick jokes with anonymous fools. Play a lot of WarCraft III. Feel closer to friends on the internet than any of my classmates.
Mid 2004 - Realize my parents aren't getting along so well. Realize they are in debt.
Fall 2004 - Second year in high school. Anxious, but have friends. Not the best circle, but beats being a loner. Get bullied by a hardass group. This year sucks a lot more than the first year. Good friends leave or get kicked out. Try to spend time by myself a lot, but can't free myself from horrible people.
January 11th, 2004 - Arrested near first high school by undercover detectives while trying to smoke pot in an abandoned house with some dude. 2 felonies, with a tiny bit a meth and a single Vicodin pill. 10 months of my life devoted to California state Drug Court rehab system. DA said I would have done time in juvie if I wasn't white. Pretty fucked.
Fall 2003 - First year in high school. Meet some people who will influence me, for better or for worse, for the rest of my life. First close, cool friends...all who happen to do drugs, hooray! Get drunk for the first time. Get stoned for the first time.
June 2003 - Graduate from middle school. Ugly. Hate myself. Traumatized. First symptoms of social anxiety appear in 8th grade. Memories of hanging out at the mall with middle school girls and boys. Mostly awkward and uncomfortable. Kiss a girl or two. Innocent at best.
that's it for now. gotta go to bed.
Feb 21st 2011 - today
Jan 2011 - Officially girlfriended
Aug 2010 - Started my part-time job for mental health website
June 2010 - Moved off-campus to first real apartment on my own dime
June 2010 - Finish first year at real college, wrote notable 16pg thesis
Nov 2009 - First drunken college hook-up. Remembered to wrap it. Thought I was in love with her and got shut down. Glad to learn that lesson early on.
Sept 2009 - Moved to this new city in this new state to this new college, on campus
Sept 2009 - Resigned from social media agency job, completed noteworthy final report while being served captains and coke by my superiors
June 2009 - Accepted to out of state college. Expensive, but necessary.
Spring 2009 - Finish semester at local community college on a high note. Studied philosophy and business law, can't remember what else
Late 2008 - Dropped out of first community college. frustrated with lack of friends, support, and 30 mile commute
June 2008 - Grandmother dies. Notice that I'm able to cry at funeral (I could not at my mother's) as I'm no longer on antidepressants.
Early 2008 - Finish half-assed semester at first community college. Loved abnormal psychology, but got a C. Want to be a therapist but don't want to go to grad school.
Late 2007 - Start paid internship at social media agency in downtown LA. Learn a lot.
Summer 2007 - Spend two weeks in Paris, France. Lived in hostels, visited museums, pub crawls, late nights on my lonesome and with quickly-found friends. loved every minute of it. Paid for it with some college money my grandmother invested for me. Don't know where most of it went. Lived frugally otherwise.
Summer 2007 - Graduated from local high school. 2.8 weighted GPA
Spring 2007 - Continued Psychotherapy with famous MFT therapist. Can't remember if this was before or after Paris, or if Paris trip was in the middle.
Early 2007 - Get my driver's license. Delayed by arrest in 2006.
Early 2007 - Dad loses his job as mail room manager for WGA pension fund. He was there for 28 years. Gets a minor pension, but we lose our health insurance.
Dec 21st, 2006 - My mother loses battle with breast cancer at age 52. Read poem for large crowd at memorial service. Dress in all black. Cruel enjoyment in pathos. Enjoy the wake at step-dad's house in Ventura county. Mom was cremated.
June 2006 - My mom's wedding with my step-father. I mix muscle relaxants with alcohol and pass out in my aunt's Explorer.
Mid 2006 - Seeing psychiatrist in private practice for depression and anxiety (concurrent with seeing psychotherapist). Through this doctor, I experiment with Paxil, Welbutrin, Lexapro, and Effexor.
Mid 2006 - Pulled over and arrested on major street in my suburban hellhole on my way to Taco Bell. Driving without a license (just permit) blowing 0.04 BAC. (2 glasses of wine). Takes me longer to get my license. Fortunately, at my court hearing, the case was thrown out. Otherwise I would have had a DUI on my record at age 16. Blame my impulsiveness on the new Lexapro regimen.
Fall 2006 - Start senior year at local high school. Must take community college courses for credit to graduate.
April 2006 - Mom's divorce from Dad finalized.
Spring 2006 - Win award for best feature article in my school's newspaper - interviewed and wrote about teacher's Celtic band sideproject.
Fall 2005 - Junior year at local high school. Meet mentor who I'm still in contact with. Discover interest in writing and literature and possible potential. Still haven't taken full advantage of it. Can't believe that was 6 years ago...
Late 2004 - Graduate from drug court program. Acquitted of all felonies. Stepdad attends. Hard to believe he was in my life at this point.
Late 2004 - School cop told my mother I was suspected of stealing a red bull from local grocery store. We agree to transfer me to local high school in the next year.
Fall 2004 - Witness riot and "rumble" between blacks and mexicans at first high school from science building during chem class. Managed to get a C in that class, I think.
Mid 2004 - Start developing rituals of doing drugs alone. Painkillers, weed, amphetamines, and DXM. These rituals subside a bit during my time in drug court, as I'm being drug tested and can't smoke weed. But they increase during my junior year in high school.
Mid 2004 - Spend a lot of time on internet forum and playing internet games with internet friends. Look at pictures of naked women. Make dick jokes with anonymous fools. Play a lot of WarCraft III. Feel closer to friends on the internet than any of my classmates.
Mid 2004 - Realize my parents aren't getting along so well. Realize they are in debt.
Fall 2004 - Second year in high school. Anxious, but have friends. Not the best circle, but beats being a loner. Get bullied by a hardass group. This year sucks a lot more than the first year. Good friends leave or get kicked out. Try to spend time by myself a lot, but can't free myself from horrible people.
January 11th, 2004 - Arrested near first high school by undercover detectives while trying to smoke pot in an abandoned house with some dude. 2 felonies, with a tiny bit a meth and a single Vicodin pill. 10 months of my life devoted to California state Drug Court rehab system. DA said I would have done time in juvie if I wasn't white. Pretty fucked.
Fall 2003 - First year in high school. Meet some people who will influence me, for better or for worse, for the rest of my life. First close, cool friends...all who happen to do drugs, hooray! Get drunk for the first time. Get stoned for the first time.
June 2003 - Graduate from middle school. Ugly. Hate myself. Traumatized. First symptoms of social anxiety appear in 8th grade. Memories of hanging out at the mall with middle school girls and boys. Mostly awkward and uncomfortable. Kiss a girl or two. Innocent at best.
that's it for now. gotta go to bed.
Monday, February 14, 2011
9:46pm
she says
I feel like i'm writing complete bullshit!"
yesss
pfff thats nothing
If you're writing complete bullshit
then you're doing something right
i know but we only have 3 essays a quarter
What is the topic
jackie says thank you, that makes her feel better about herself
/what sources are you supposed to work from
shes writing about
she doesn't know lol
shes writing abour revolutionary movements during the 1840s and 1860s
sounds easy enough
the thesis can be always be wrong
Just say like "They had a huge impact on blank"
im telling her this
she says she doesn't have a thesis
and then three pages of citing stuff with some bogus analysis
and then conclusion: "They didn't have an impact on blank after all"
shesl aughing good job
im tryijgn to tell her what to write but its not doing very well
How many movements were there
Main ones, a bunch, interrelated ones?
there were 2 sort of rival ones, but it's not claer cut
and then 2 decades later came new weirder progresive ones
but you're right the first two rival ones didn't DO anything
they just had ideas
Okay so either talk about how one set the stage for the other
or how the second was in opposition to the first
or how the second tried where the first failed
And just have a page on one, a page on the other, and a page about attitudes in russia at the time
In CONCLUSION THEY WERE VERY DIFFERENT
bada bing
hahhaa
i'm breaking it down
she says a lot of smart stuf but not writing that smart stuff down
it's all about outlining
write in this order
1. vague summary of what your thesis will be about
2. list out each body paragraph
3. write body paragraphs in easiest/fastest order
4. bullshit the conclusion
5. summariaze everything you're "going to do" (aka already did) in the intro paragraph
yep
that's really good
It always helps to start the paper with "Since the beginning of time,"
Since the beginning of modern Russian history, political factions have sought to expand their levels of influence in urban centers
that's pretty close to it
she's impressed with how you think about this shit
i'm writing about political reforms from alexander II
and how thye were only subpar
I've been doing this kind of stuff for eight years
some were good, the big important one was shitty though
she says its just hard for her to "focus all at once"
aka women are dumb
looool
play nice
maybe a break is in order
she's in the fetal position
well, typing
she says
I feel like i'm writing complete bullshit!"
yesss
pfff thats nothing
If you're writing complete bullshit
then you're doing something right
i know but we only have 3 essays a quarter
What is the topic
jackie says thank you, that makes her feel better about herself
/what sources are you supposed to work from
shes writing about
she doesn't know lol
shes writing abour revolutionary movements during the 1840s and 1860s
sounds easy enough
the thesis can be always be wrong
Just say like "They had a huge impact on blank"
im telling her this
she says she doesn't have a thesis
and then three pages of citing stuff with some bogus analysis
and then conclusion: "They didn't have an impact on blank after all"
shesl aughing good job
im tryijgn to tell her what to write but its not doing very well
How many movements were there
Main ones, a bunch, interrelated ones?
there were 2 sort of rival ones, but it's not claer cut
and then 2 decades later came new weirder progresive ones
but you're right the first two rival ones didn't DO anything
they just had ideas
Okay so either talk about how one set the stage for the other
or how the second was in opposition to the first
or how the second tried where the first failed
And just have a page on one, a page on the other, and a page about attitudes in russia at the time
In CONCLUSION THEY WERE VERY DIFFERENT
bada bing
hahhaa
i'm breaking it down
she says a lot of smart stuf but not writing that smart stuff down
it's all about outlining
write in this order
1. vague summary of what your thesis will be about
2. list out each body paragraph
3. write body paragraphs in easiest/fastest order
4. bullshit the conclusion
5. summariaze everything you're "going to do" (aka already did) in the intro paragraph
yep
that's really good
It always helps to start the paper with "Since the beginning of time,"
Since the beginning of modern Russian history, political factions have sought to expand their levels of influence in urban centers
that's pretty close to it
she's impressed with how you think about this shit
i'm writing about political reforms from alexander II
and how thye were only subpar
I've been doing this kind of stuff for eight years
some were good, the big important one was shitty though
she says its just hard for her to "focus all at once"
aka women are dumb
looool
play nice
maybe a break is in order
she's in the fetal position
well, typing
pointlessness
"I can't believe I just remembered it was Valentine's day!" shouted a marketing lady to the few that had been sitting at their desks, or getting ready to, at about 8:00 AM.
"Yep, it is..." I said to my computer screen.
"I had to get valentines and chocolates for Max's class party..."
I'm glad I don't have kids.
"...and drive him to school early this morning!"
I'm so glad I don't have kids.
Ugh I don't want to be here but I guess it's better than the salt mines.
"Anyone want coffee, I'm making coffee," shouted our bossman to the busy office.
"There's no creamer..." V chipped in from her support desk.
"Yeah, there's no creamer!" said the marketing lady.
"Yep, it is..." I said to my computer screen.
"I had to get valentines and chocolates for Max's class party..."
I'm glad I don't have kids.
"...and drive him to school early this morning!"
I'm so glad I don't have kids.
Ugh I don't want to be here but I guess it's better than the salt mines.
"Anyone want coffee, I'm making coffee," shouted our bossman to the busy office.
"There's no creamer..." V chipped in from her support desk.
"Yeah, there's no creamer!" said the marketing lady.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
dear miss girlfriend's mom
Dear Ms. *****,
Today J and I went to S. and had a lovely time! We had a delicious lunch, and a fanciful time shopping at H&M. We both found each other some snazzy clothes and look great together. Well, I think so, but I think she would agree. Maybe you will too when you see us! Thank you so much for helping to fund our trip, it was a very nice gesture! You're a great mom!
Love,
Marcus
Today J and I went to S. and had a lovely time! We had a delicious lunch, and a fanciful time shopping at H&M. We both found each other some snazzy clothes and look great together. Well, I think so, but I think she would agree. Maybe you will too when you see us! Thank you so much for helping to fund our trip, it was a very nice gesture! You're a great mom!
Love,
Marcus
Saturday, February 12, 2011
my earliest creative memory
I remember being influenced by Walt Whitman in the 10th grade...my last really good creative moment was writing a poem like his...free verse, ending with something about trees in a hue of magnificent green. Maybe it was OK, but it was spontaneous! I did it in 30 minutes! I'm gonna ask my mentor if he still has it. OK, I just texted him. He probably won't get back to me for a little while.
Today so much needless driving, spark plugs, filters, chassies, metal grinding, pipes, chains, torques, wrenches, oil, oil and grease all over your hands and it's hard to scrape it off. Feeling the gasoline combust, feeling the vehicle move forward. Spending money on parts.
Today so much needless driving, spark plugs, filters, chassies, metal grinding, pipes, chains, torques, wrenches, oil, oil and grease all over your hands and it's hard to scrape it off. Feeling the gasoline combust, feeling the vehicle move forward. Spending money on parts.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
bloody bugs
Ugh, I'm so dumb for not CCing bossman in this email to Oktoy. There should not be any errors in the shipping process on the front end at this point. It is ridiculous, and absurd that he is too busy to not respond within a reasonable 24 hours. And those messages I have sent about image uploading on Tuesday, I haven't heard a thing! Does he think this project is not important anymore? Does he think its petty, and less lucrative than the stuff he does for our company? Well, it is less important, but still, it's his duty to fix his bugs! Shit, I just realized my girlfriend's period blood is hanging on my cuticles. Sweet.
Monday, February 7, 2011
my day mystified
On my 10-minute break for cigarettes and a tea for my coworker, I maneuver up and down the streets of XXXXXX like a sullen Raskolnikov. The wind is piercing and harsh, like I imagine my boss will sound if he discovers I arrive back at minute eleven. The second cup of coffee provokes me not to work faster and more efficiently, but motivates a careless, capricious nature in me, and I read blogs and dick around. My boss is ten feet away, but faces the other direction. I take some risk in writing this post, but his attention is usually captured by the matters of better-paid, more important employees. Not that I want to be those people, of course. I am content working here only part time, while I get to fulfill my role as a student, friend and...lover during the other part of time. But I should really investigate one of those duties I am assigned. Ugh. The more I dread it and put it off, the harder it is to start. Well, at least it's a first-world problem.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Dostoevsky is
Dostoevsky is just a mid-19th century Sylvia Plath.
There. I said it.
No, but I think they've both drawn from similar influences. And fortunately D. wasn't a poet, or I'd have to read some poorly translated Russian poetry. That's a good motivation to learn Russian, actually. Being able to read Pushkin in his original tongue. As the Russians are so Pushkin-crazy, and since I haven't gotten that much out of his short story The Captain's Daughter, and actually prefer Lermontov in translated Russian poetry, I either need to read more of the man's work or learn more Russian.
But Notes from Underground is such a monumental work. I can't get started now, I'm running out of time. But it was certainly more enjoyable to read than the abysmal 10 pages I read of The Corrections. I'm not even going to write the author's name lest I'll turn up another Google search result for his name. So wordy, so pretentious. An experimental work that tried too hard.
There. I said it.
No, but I think they've both drawn from similar influences. And fortunately D. wasn't a poet, or I'd have to read some poorly translated Russian poetry. That's a good motivation to learn Russian, actually. Being able to read Pushkin in his original tongue. As the Russians are so Pushkin-crazy, and since I haven't gotten that much out of his short story The Captain's Daughter, and actually prefer Lermontov in translated Russian poetry, I either need to read more of the man's work or learn more Russian.
But Notes from Underground is such a monumental work. I can't get started now, I'm running out of time. But it was certainly more enjoyable to read than the abysmal 10 pages I read of The Corrections. I'm not even going to write the author's name lest I'll turn up another Google search result for his name. So wordy, so pretentious. An experimental work that tried too hard.
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