It's almost as if my natural inclination is to sit here. I have a lot of mental energy but nothing to really do with it, and I lack the motivation to write, or to take up a list of goals. I could eat forever, pet a cat forever, sit here, forever. I'm gonna try to get that bike fixed today.
Fuck, today is the 24th. Tomorrow is the 25th. Tuesday is the 26th. Wednesday is the 27th. Thursday is the 28th. Friday is the 29th. Saturday is the 30th. Sunday is the 31st. Monday is June 1st. That's when that thing is due. I can't even start it until I'm accepted though.
joke life
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
leak
I have a post-nasal drip. that means I have mucous leaking from my sinuses, down my throat, into my stomach. The stomach does not like these fluids and churns in response to it. I'm seeing a free doctor tomorrow though. I hate this feeling. i don't even want to type. my EAR is congested, for chrissakes!
Monday, May 18, 2009
why
why do I feel the need to go on these fleeting, self-fulfilling, pleasure sprees? like depressant drugs will motivate me to get things done? well, I did do some cleaning yesterday, the boiler room is definitely a bit larger now, but it only creates more places to sweat, inducing desires to revolve my sleep schedule around the sun, for there's a disconnect between when the outdoor air starts to irradiate the skin and body with a boiling heat, and anything in the bright light's uncovered consistency with a hellish sweat, and when the house begins to feel its residual effects, inspiring me to seek a better design for roof, as my friend who'd climbed up last with me to help patch a leak says it could use something new to insulate it.
There was a car with odd stickers that stood out, one was an Eye of Horus, the other numbers fashioned into a row, reading "12.21.12"... conspiracy believers.
There was a car with odd stickers that stood out, one was an Eye of Horus, the other numbers fashioned into a row, reading "12.21.12"... conspiracy believers.
Friday, May 15, 2009
health
mornings haven't been too bad, nothing I can't solve with a little taste of albuterol. Still waiting to see if I'll be accepted by the system. I committed fraud and wanted to tell the world, because i felt so bad about it, but rethought that thought and will just say that here. I forged a 1040 so that I'll be....hopefully granted access into this program from the county because I can't afford traditional health insurance. Well, I guess I COULD pay for it, but I'm tired of being denied and screwed over by what i KNOW i NEED. i know, it's messed up and I can't justify it. eventually I will get some sort of standard health insurance/health care plan but there are too many fucking choices, and I've been screwed over by these companies so many times in the past, and I know that with my godawful luck the expensive drugs I need will not be covered, and that i'll be in debt once again, just doing things out of good inclination, going badly once agani.
i'm poor, and can't ask my father for anything. My father's income is artificially inflated. He doesn't really make that much. He withdraws his pension payments early so that he can pay his mortgage bill at the end of the month, and then pays huge taxes on those pension payments. it's a terrible system and screws the poor without thought of the outcome. I don't see how he could have been surprised paying taxes, high taxes on that action. I don't know. But I do know that this sounds whiny, but it's true, this is the one department in my country and in my life where it just doesn't work, and I just have to do something different. please don't judge me for this, i couldn't tell anyone the whole story of how I feel about it if I wanted to.
but I do know that people might think I am a scumbag for attempting to cheat a system. Haflway through the ordeal I realized that it would be a bad idea, but what I heard from a health practitioner there made it all too real for me and I couldn't resist. I thought of backing out halfway, I thought of claiming, I'm sorry, these forms are illegitimate, take me out of the system, forgive me, there is a problem with the documents.
But I couldn't. It would have made a scene and I was sure it would have made bigger problems. I'm just going to ride on my past gregariousness, i will be bound by the choices that I made under pressure. I know that what I did will be looked down upon, and the people that would look down on me would not consider how i felt myself upon doing it. but I haven't even GOT anything out of it yet. They DENIED me the medication that I plainly needed until my next appointment, a good two weeks from when I first went it. it's not the kind of medical care that will save someone's life. The doctor, for whom English was plainly a second language gave me contradictory advice from a clinician I had seen prior. it's very disheartening, but at least, with care, i can force myself through all the bad i feel in my body. all the congestion, constriction, coughing, running, wheezing just thrusts itself into a malaise that i'm used to. it's nothing new to have to fight to breath or use an inhaler more than I should. it's known, and i'm only afraid of the unknown.
i'm poor, and can't ask my father for anything. My father's income is artificially inflated. He doesn't really make that much. He withdraws his pension payments early so that he can pay his mortgage bill at the end of the month, and then pays huge taxes on those pension payments. it's a terrible system and screws the poor without thought of the outcome. I don't see how he could have been surprised paying taxes, high taxes on that action. I don't know. But I do know that this sounds whiny, but it's true, this is the one department in my country and in my life where it just doesn't work, and I just have to do something different. please don't judge me for this, i couldn't tell anyone the whole story of how I feel about it if I wanted to.
but I do know that people might think I am a scumbag for attempting to cheat a system. Haflway through the ordeal I realized that it would be a bad idea, but what I heard from a health practitioner there made it all too real for me and I couldn't resist. I thought of backing out halfway, I thought of claiming, I'm sorry, these forms are illegitimate, take me out of the system, forgive me, there is a problem with the documents.
But I couldn't. It would have made a scene and I was sure it would have made bigger problems. I'm just going to ride on my past gregariousness, i will be bound by the choices that I made under pressure. I know that what I did will be looked down upon, and the people that would look down on me would not consider how i felt myself upon doing it. but I haven't even GOT anything out of it yet. They DENIED me the medication that I plainly needed until my next appointment, a good two weeks from when I first went it. it's not the kind of medical care that will save someone's life. The doctor, for whom English was plainly a second language gave me contradictory advice from a clinician I had seen prior. it's very disheartening, but at least, with care, i can force myself through all the bad i feel in my body. all the congestion, constriction, coughing, running, wheezing just thrusts itself into a malaise that i'm used to. it's nothing new to have to fight to breath or use an inhaler more than I should. it's known, and i'm only afraid of the unknown.
identity
i'm spending tonight alone, but will lie about it tomorrow. I'm going to say I was at the house of my mentor and his partner, drinking, like I did a while ago and it was fantastic. it's won't be a huge lie, i bumped into him today. but it's part of the guise i need to make, to split away from C. i need to create this reality, make it real, so he'll realize that there are other things on my mind. but I won't have to lie about what I'm doing tomorrow.
I am becoming anonymous, a misanthrope, a spectre, a silky, transparent wizard with glassy eyes and crystalline skin. Wispy hair, wrinkled brow, missing teeth and rumpled lips. He entered the door cautiously and flipped the light switch, looked around.
I am becoming anonymous, a misanthrope, a spectre, a silky, transparent wizard with glassy eyes and crystalline skin. Wispy hair, wrinkled brow, missing teeth and rumpled lips. He entered the door cautiously and flipped the light switch, looked around.
change
C tries hard, but I couldn't stand him last night. and a lot of the things that piss me off so much, I can't even articulate. it's quite sad, really. I'm going to try, though. he tries to formulate opinionated judgments of things that I do in a way that translates as a queer type of "advice" or how tries to find a remedy for problems he can't solve, only those i chose to let him be aware of. I can't articulate this well. It sounds so trivial and menial. but at the end of the day he's just not fun to be around, not that i'm a dizzying socialite myself but i never really chose to have him as a friend, he just sorta stuck in there. I know how O feels too. He let C off easy. But O's been busier, he was in a city a few hours south of here with his significant other (who's bearing his child) and I respect that. i'm still debating how I can tell C that im trying to demote him. he says, "I'd rather hear this shit straight up...etc" but I know it's just a guise, that he can't really take it, that his "best friend" doesn't reciprocate even though it's damn obvious I don't particularly enjoy his company, at least lately. but I'm not going to totally alienate him either, and I can't, but at least that class is ending soon. oh GOD.
when each day ends a new day begins. the number next to the month changes, whether you like it or not. i'll sleep, sleep, and get as much as I can for I need but its just closer to that deadline...
when each day ends a new day begins. the number next to the month changes, whether you like it or not. i'll sleep, sleep, and get as much as I can for I need but its just closer to that deadline...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
mmmph
Deadlines woosh like in that book...Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Well, I can see them before they hit usually. But there are some deadlines that if breached, will seriously affect the course of my life.
What happens if I don't go? I will still be living here. So...won't I still be seeing the same people/lack of other people? That's exactly right. But just in case I don't go, should I have a back up plan? I could live with my grandfather and his caregiver. That would probably suck though. Where else could I live? Tara and Randy? The Roceretas? I would be stuck with the car living here. Ugh. I believe that the less one prepares himself in secondary school, the fewer options he or she will have once they are out. I did not think or care, and am stuck with few. I know I will incur debt. I know there are those that can help me, fortunately. I must go.
Well, I can see them before they hit usually. But there are some deadlines that if breached, will seriously affect the course of my life.
What happens if I don't go? I will still be living here. So...won't I still be seeing the same people/lack of other people? That's exactly right. But just in case I don't go, should I have a back up plan? I could live with my grandfather and his caregiver. That would probably suck though. Where else could I live? Tara and Randy? The Roceretas? I would be stuck with the car living here. Ugh. I believe that the less one prepares himself in secondary school, the fewer options he or she will have once they are out. I did not think or care, and am stuck with few. I know I will incur debt. I know there are those that can help me, fortunately. I must go.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
great
I feel so great, so empowered. That feeling when I left the movie. I want to always feel that way. This way. I think it kicked in after I got her number though. No caffeine, no drugs, no nothing - it must be noted. My car didn't feel like a junker when my friend and I went the way she left to see if she wanted a ride (she had a bike that could be stashed). I loved C then. There was no misery or foul mood or corruption or anguish or doubt, I just simply "could" and the possibilities are endless. Captain Kirk inspired me - I know he's a fictional character but he's so well-written that he reminds me of myself as I am right now, on top, even though I'm not a thrill-seeker and my friend had to nag and convince me to see him, even when I was reluctant, it paid off. Not to say that every time will be like that. I want to conjure moods and feelings though. My bad chemicals weren't so bad. This feeling is great but I haven't had it in a while. If I was this now in a club, I'd be VIP. If I was this now on a starship, I'd be captain. I would have my way and not be judged, just feared. Just kidding, no one fears me. But if I was this now I would not sleep. C felt great and I did too. No we did not have gay kiss kiss during show. In fact he scooted over a seat which was good, I did not want to hear his wheezing. During the first half he was texting a bit and it annoyed me. Why do people pay $10 for a ticket to stare at the small screen? It is so pixelated and intrusive. We go to movies to escape reality. But afterwards I found out that it was somewhat important, and his verbally abusive bipolar stubborn adoptive father was trying to frame him for something he did not do, and couldn't have done because he was out with me. Later on his father found out that it was not true and apologized. C wants my job when I leave. Yes, WHEN I leave. No, this is not influenced by my current mood, it just came up today. Too much is expected of me to falter.
coming back, why is my hypomania situational? I was diagnosed cyclothymic a few years ago. It was a hesitant, forced diagnosis by a psychotherapist who didn't respect labels. He doesn't want to box people in. He says Marcus is just Marcus. And Marcus feels differently sometimes. But I thought I was more scientific. A label denotes a problem, a physical problem, ones with chemicals and chemical receptors. But from what we understand of the human brain, it has the ability to rewire itself, to adapt and to change, and even mere thoughts can invoke this. Thoughts generally have less side effects than medications, too, wouldn't you know?
coming back, why is my hypomania situational? I was diagnosed cyclothymic a few years ago. It was a hesitant, forced diagnosis by a psychotherapist who didn't respect labels. He doesn't want to box people in. He says Marcus is just Marcus. And Marcus feels differently sometimes. But I thought I was more scientific. A label denotes a problem, a physical problem, ones with chemicals and chemical receptors. But from what we understand of the human brain, it has the ability to rewire itself, to adapt and to change, and even mere thoughts can invoke this. Thoughts generally have less side effects than medications, too, wouldn't you know?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
leaving
Without revealing too much, I will most likely leave the city and state for a while later this year, for something that will most likely better me as a person, though it will most likely be costly, i think it will most likely pay off in the end.
Worried about my old man. He is trying to work his crappy job part-time so that he can attend classes for a graduate degree in the fall. He is determined but it will just leave him poorer. Going to classes will make him happier though, so that's psychic income gained. I worry about what might happen to the Kingdom if I am gone. I would talk to him at least once a week while I'm gone to listen to his stories and they will probably be melancholy at best until he finishes or finds a better job.
There are so many things, it feels like, that stupefy him about the inner workings of the Kingdom that I worry about how he will/would/should manage without me. But he is older and wiser right? Yes, but this is the man that taught me to read, much earlier than the other students, but after that, left me to read about everything he didn't know about and couldn't teach me. At the end of the day, if I didn't know, then he didn't know. Unless it was about a very specific art that had no merit in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in suburban society, except for the specific place where this specific art was created or performed.
Before, I was bitter, and I thought cruel things of him. "How could he be so stupid?! He knows nothing! I can't learn anything from him, and the more time I spend with him, the more I will become like him - and deteriorate until I am but a couch potato before dusk, and a lonely drunk reader at night."
But now I accept him. He will live (part of) his life through me, and that is why I must go away for a while and trust him of his own accord. Besides, I need to learn about what Marcus wants. to do that I must experience new things, and that isn't happening at the rate I want over here, even when I am coerced to try new things by O or C or whoever.
Worried about my old man. He is trying to work his crappy job part-time so that he can attend classes for a graduate degree in the fall. He is determined but it will just leave him poorer. Going to classes will make him happier though, so that's psychic income gained. I worry about what might happen to the Kingdom if I am gone. I would talk to him at least once a week while I'm gone to listen to his stories and they will probably be melancholy at best until he finishes or finds a better job.
There are so many things, it feels like, that stupefy him about the inner workings of the Kingdom that I worry about how he will/would/should manage without me. But he is older and wiser right? Yes, but this is the man that taught me to read, much earlier than the other students, but after that, left me to read about everything he didn't know about and couldn't teach me. At the end of the day, if I didn't know, then he didn't know. Unless it was about a very specific art that had no merit in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in suburban society, except for the specific place where this specific art was created or performed.
Before, I was bitter, and I thought cruel things of him. "How could he be so stupid?! He knows nothing! I can't learn anything from him, and the more time I spend with him, the more I will become like him - and deteriorate until I am but a couch potato before dusk, and a lonely drunk reader at night."
But now I accept him. He will live (part of) his life through me, and that is why I must go away for a while and trust him of his own accord. Besides, I need to learn about what Marcus wants. to do that I must experience new things, and that isn't happening at the rate I want over here, even when I am coerced to try new things by O or C or whoever.
frustration
am I frustrated because I doubt myself? or do I doubt myself because I am frustrated? I told my mentor when I saw him on a rare, random occasion: "I write...just journals and stuff mostly, but I want to write some fiction." He says okay good. I say "But creating characters and whatnot, seems so difficult. I can't write about anyone besides myself. I don't understand other people's inclinations, motivations, or what makes THEM THEM. I only know mine...to some extent." He says...then write about yourself.
i probably don't even need any new experiences to find material, i have enough in my life, strangely enough. but I feel like I perceive things so differently, and not different enough to be entertaining or enthralling to any other reader, just in a weird "you're overthinking" kind of way. some of it is so ashamedly stupid i can't even get it written down here. like...I had to leave a friend's house to get home at a certain time. C wanted a ride, I said sure fine whatever (like I have a choice...but don't blast me for being a dick, i just hate driving my car even though everyone else would die for one...its a long weird issue i have trouble explaining even to myself) and he brought it up once or twice, "Marcus, shouldn't you be leaving soon? it's 5:45!" i was annoyed, concentrating on a board game with someone else I joked, put him on blast, said sarcastically, "Thanks mom" and everyone laughed at his expense. Oh C...so serious C. Tries to see everything in black and white.
Well anyway I ended up leaving a bit later than I wanted to, was pressed for time, and ended up dropping him off at the bus stop. He assured me it was "fine" but I knew he was pissed off a bit because he wanted to go home because he was tired or hungry or some menial issue of the flesh. But I think he might have been a bit proud of me for not being coerced by his will. I did him a favor that very morning that might have saved him his job anyway.
i probably don't even need any new experiences to find material, i have enough in my life, strangely enough. but I feel like I perceive things so differently, and not different enough to be entertaining or enthralling to any other reader, just in a weird "you're overthinking" kind of way. some of it is so ashamedly stupid i can't even get it written down here. like...I had to leave a friend's house to get home at a certain time. C wanted a ride, I said sure fine whatever (like I have a choice...but don't blast me for being a dick, i just hate driving my car even though everyone else would die for one...its a long weird issue i have trouble explaining even to myself) and he brought it up once or twice, "Marcus, shouldn't you be leaving soon? it's 5:45!" i was annoyed, concentrating on a board game with someone else I joked, put him on blast, said sarcastically, "Thanks mom" and everyone laughed at his expense. Oh C...so serious C. Tries to see everything in black and white.
Well anyway I ended up leaving a bit later than I wanted to, was pressed for time, and ended up dropping him off at the bus stop. He assured me it was "fine" but I knew he was pissed off a bit because he wanted to go home because he was tired or hungry or some menial issue of the flesh. But I think he might have been a bit proud of me for not being coerced by his will. I did him a favor that very morning that might have saved him his job anyway.
doubt
I don't feel like I'm good enough to finish school. I've barely done anything and I feel like I've been cracking away at it for ages, but there's so much more. i need to try going away to school though. just try. as long as i pass my classes here i'll be in a good spot i think. I hope. Frustrated with C like he can't help himself. Don't want to see him so fucking much, he's pissing me off. just next time, say no. i need a good excuse though. but i don't have to do anything I don't want to do, right? and O will be there to egg me on when i don't want to pick C's ass up. and stop smoking again! you lost your rhythm! what happened? another problem is that I'm pretty much alone without these people. i wonder how i'm better off. i had a good time with C the other day probably because i was able to say no. why couldn't i say no today? perhaps because i'd want him to do the same. god damn car.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
want
Today was April 30th. I came to a scary conclusion today through a day of turmoil and confusion - I don't know what I want. For some reason I feel the need to distance myself from the few friends I actually have. C is boring me, O seems to be losing himself in his own vices, and R is just there. Everyone says I'm expecting too much when we hang out, but I've put so much time into it. I did some really decent writing while sitting on a rock coming up on mushrooms, but it was fleeting, and the day was downhill from that point. I need to cherish my father, because he's all I really fucking have, or so it feels like. He sacrifices so much, and he actually has a plan. One big thing he has that I don't is a goal and a plan for once. He has a plan to self-actualize.
I got so "stuck" today with C. I felt like he was being belligerent, and he accused me of being paranoid, and I stopped listening to him and played with sand and looked at plants in a newfound glory but it was also fleeting because after we got off those rocks and he took off his shirt i knew I was having a bad trip, because I was stuck with HIM. There was nothing I could do, no way to express myself without hurting his feelings and making him wonder why, why am I being left behind. For someone accusing me of having no balls because sports don't interest me, he really has attachment issues. But he was neglected and abused as a child, and I should feel bad for him and help him. Sigh.
Another thing I learned today is that I really don't know anything. Sometimes things work and other things don't. I know that sounds vague but when things work out, I don't even know if it was my efforts that made it be or my lack of efforts. Like there is no way for me to choose an inclination other than what feels natural. But of course, the natural one is to push myself away from problems and uncomfortable scenarios. But the discomfort is good, right? It builds character, it makes you grow! Right? But at a certain future time I'll have to do what feels right to find my way and realize that whenever anything I chose to do on my own accord didn't feel right I was only doing it for the sake of self-improvement and broadening my horizons. Why is life so complicated for me? All I'm supposed to do is go to school, work a job, hang out with friends to shoot the shit and not go crazy, and maybe invest in a hobby, and go to sleep and wake up and repeat the cycle. There is so much emotional bullshit. There are so many questions without answers. Interrogative inclinations and wondering "why?"
also, I saw a doctor today. don't get me started on the health care system. please. i need to fight for the proletariat in that one. maybe public policy?
I got so "stuck" today with C. I felt like he was being belligerent, and he accused me of being paranoid, and I stopped listening to him and played with sand and looked at plants in a newfound glory but it was also fleeting because after we got off those rocks and he took off his shirt i knew I was having a bad trip, because I was stuck with HIM. There was nothing I could do, no way to express myself without hurting his feelings and making him wonder why, why am I being left behind. For someone accusing me of having no balls because sports don't interest me, he really has attachment issues. But he was neglected and abused as a child, and I should feel bad for him and help him. Sigh.
Another thing I learned today is that I really don't know anything. Sometimes things work and other things don't. I know that sounds vague but when things work out, I don't even know if it was my efforts that made it be or my lack of efforts. Like there is no way for me to choose an inclination other than what feels natural. But of course, the natural one is to push myself away from problems and uncomfortable scenarios. But the discomfort is good, right? It builds character, it makes you grow! Right? But at a certain future time I'll have to do what feels right to find my way and realize that whenever anything I chose to do on my own accord didn't feel right I was only doing it for the sake of self-improvement and broadening my horizons. Why is life so complicated for me? All I'm supposed to do is go to school, work a job, hang out with friends to shoot the shit and not go crazy, and maybe invest in a hobby, and go to sleep and wake up and repeat the cycle. There is so much emotional bullshit. There are so many questions without answers. Interrogative inclinations and wondering "why?"
also, I saw a doctor today. don't get me started on the health care system. please. i need to fight for the proletariat in that one. maybe public policy?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)