health

mornings haven't been too bad, nothing I can't solve with a little taste of albuterol. Still waiting to see if I'll be accepted by the system. I committed fraud and wanted to tell the world, because i felt so bad about it, but rethought that thought and will just say that here. I forged a 1040 so that I'll be....hopefully granted access into this program from the county because I can't afford traditional health insurance. Well, I guess I COULD pay for it, but I'm tired of being denied and screwed over by what i KNOW i NEED. i know, it's messed up and I can't justify it. eventually I will get some sort of standard health insurance/health care plan but there are too many fucking choices, and I've been screwed over by these companies so many times in the past, and I know that with my godawful luck the expensive drugs I need will not be covered, and that i'll be in debt once again, just doing things out of good inclination, going badly once agani.

i'm poor, and can't ask my father for anything. My father's income is artificially inflated. He doesn't really make that much. He withdraws his pension payments early so that he can pay his mortgage bill at the end of the month, and then pays huge taxes on those pension payments. it's a terrible system and screws the poor without thought of the outcome. I don't see how he could have been surprised paying taxes, high taxes on that action. I don't know. But I do know that this sounds whiny, but it's true, this is the one department in my country and in my life where it just doesn't work, and I just have to do something different. please don't judge me for this, i couldn't tell anyone the whole story of how I feel about it if I wanted to.

but I do know that people might think I am a scumbag for attempting to cheat a system. Haflway through the ordeal I realized that it would be a bad idea, but what I heard from a health practitioner there made it all too real for me and I couldn't resist. I thought of backing out halfway, I thought of claiming, I'm sorry, these forms are illegitimate, take me out of the system, forgive me, there is a problem with the documents.

But I couldn't. It would have made a scene and I was sure it would have made bigger problems. I'm just going to ride on my past gregariousness, i will be bound by the choices that I made under pressure. I know that what I did will be looked down upon, and the people that would look down on me would not consider how i felt myself upon doing it. but I haven't even GOT anything out of it yet. They DENIED me the medication that I plainly needed until my next appointment, a good two weeks from when I first went it. it's not the kind of medical care that will save someone's life. The doctor, for whom English was plainly a second language gave me contradictory advice from a clinician I had seen prior. it's very disheartening, but at least, with care, i can force myself through all the bad i feel in my body. all the congestion, constriction, coughing, running, wheezing just thrusts itself into a malaise that i'm used to. it's nothing new to have to fight to breath or use an inhaler more than I should. it's known, and i'm only afraid of the unknown.