want

Today was April 30th. I came to a scary conclusion today through a day of turmoil and confusion - I don't know what I want. For some reason I feel the need to distance myself from the few friends I actually have. C is boring me, O seems to be losing himself in his own vices, and R is just there. Everyone says I'm expecting too much when we hang out, but I've put so much time into it. I did some really decent writing while sitting on a rock coming up on mushrooms, but it was fleeting, and the day was downhill from that point. I need to cherish my father, because he's all I really fucking have, or so it feels like. He sacrifices so much, and he actually has a plan. One big thing he has that I don't is a goal and a plan for once. He has a plan to self-actualize.

I got so "stuck" today with C. I felt like he was being belligerent, and he accused me of being paranoid, and I stopped listening to him and played with sand and looked at plants in a newfound glory but it was also fleeting because after we got off those rocks and he took off his shirt i knew I was having a bad trip, because I was stuck with HIM. There was nothing I could do, no way to express myself without hurting his feelings and making him wonder why, why am I being left behind. For someone accusing me of having no balls because sports don't interest me, he really has attachment issues. But he was neglected and abused as a child, and I should feel bad for him and help him. Sigh.

Another thing I learned today is that I really don't know anything. Sometimes things work and other things don't. I know that sounds vague but when things work out, I don't even know if it was my efforts that made it be or my lack of efforts. Like there is no way for me to choose an inclination other than what feels natural. But of course, the natural one is to push myself away from problems and uncomfortable scenarios. But the discomfort is good, right? It builds character, it makes you grow! Right? But at a certain future time I'll have to do what feels right to find my way and realize that whenever anything I chose to do on my own accord didn't feel right I was only doing it for the sake of self-improvement and broadening my horizons. Why is life so complicated for me? All I'm supposed to do is go to school, work a job, hang out with friends to shoot the shit and not go crazy, and maybe invest in a hobby, and go to sleep and wake up and repeat the cycle. There is so much emotional bullshit. There are so many questions without answers. Interrogative inclinations and wondering "why?"

also, I saw a doctor today. don't get me started on the health care system. please. i need to fight for the proletariat in that one. maybe public policy?