recap

On second thought, sending that message to jackie did far more harm to me than it did to her. those were hurtful things i said. when i was high nonetheless, but i won't say that. i did what i could to redeem myself but she just hinted at talking in person "...". i'm not ready for that. i can't face this stuff.
but whats important is that she still likes me !!?? i don't know. regardless of this bullshit on facebook under the surface, we can still communicate normally, without contempt. now i have myself in a funny position. i'm more attracted to her now, after showing this dark side of me that even i wasn't aware of. now i have to win her back it feels. and thats why i'm more attracted to her. it's silly. i told stafa last night, when i was nearly sobbing, i don't know what kind of person i've become
i'm more stressed, more impulsive, might put a downpayment on a car tomorrow. thatwould be lovely. i'm so much more stressed, i need help now more than ever before. i think i would have been fine, not taking other peoples advice. i trust faith so much, but she doesnt know how i feel except for how i present myself regarding these girl issues.
i know katie fucks other people, but i don't want to hear about it from her. i don't know why that upset me so much. it shouldn't. and i faked how i felt in response. "Haha that should be easy :D" that's actually kind of insulting. why do i have to check myself so much. the first response, the gut response, should be fine. if its honest. two or three days ago i thougth i was a good person. but something's wrong, something's missing. am i really being honest with myself?

my arab friend says you have a job you're a good student. he says i'm the smartest person he knows. i say the most important thing are friends and relationships, more than anything! more than things. and that's something a real man knows. i still believe it. he says all of us love you, i say i need to spend more time with you. UPDATE: he is kind of a piece of shit human being, but still fun to hang out with.
remember when you wrote those few lines about how to live ones life according to what i've learned? shutting myself off from the world does little to make me feel better, even though i'm "studying", i'm fucking off, feel like i'm fucking up. its not that bad. it may be a first world problem, but if that's the society i live in, it's still more than trivial. my relationships with other people is most important, so i need to preserve them. i need to nurture them.