so tough to concentrate!

Oh GOD today and yesterday it's been so hard to focus on that which I want to do
THe other night i was reading the cultural atlas at apartment 30. then the couple started watching "Better off Ted" I got into for it 20 minutes and went on my way to apartment 41 and read until the guys got there. then I drove home. I'll get to this in a minute. I sat at home for a few minutes, took a pill, and went to sizizis with my computer. I got some good notes done, but then spent a long time fucking around with music in a caffeinated mania. got those times are fun though. went home at 2am, crashed.
got up at noon, helped bob move out, and here i am at the computer lab at 5pm with little to show for myself, besides watching that film (include that in your bibliography!!)

and i can't stop looking around at other people i can't stop going to other websites, or fabricating images of driving downtown to see people at coffee shops (where i would go to study, but know well enough that if i'm there with other people, i certainlly wouldn't!!)
and I just spent the past half hour reading old blog entries. I'm really glad I have this thing. I can access it anywhere i have internet and I get to think about old memories. But my writing then was so much more literary-ish, more formal, to a different audience. The stuff here, lately, is pedestrian, garbled, more written for me than other people I guess. But the stuff I wrote before is most entertaining to me! What happened? It must be a phase.

Maybe because I'm getting laid on a semi-regular basis now to someone I have no feelings beyond friendship for. I don't even think we look good together. But she is hot and sexy and has a nice cat, a car, and interesting hair, and a good outlook. She says she's empathetic when I accused her of being a sociopath. It's true. She's just been hurt before, I'm sure, which explains her futile relationship with monogamy. But man, she can make me feel REALLY good. But it kind of sucks that usually, when a guy comes, his dick goes soft. Although there are workarounds, it can be annoying to consider. The girl can just keep going! But us guys gotta pace ourselves!

Also, I bought a car from a guy named Dennis yesterday. Ho-ho-holy shit walking into the bank with him waiting for me almost made me burst from adrenaline and the feeling of impulse, but sometimes I really revel in it! Once I got the hang of it, I have the time of my life in it. It's like Gabe's car but with less features. It feels so good, almost too good. I tell myself I don't deserve this. I am still attached to that feeling. I told Bob I have this weird vision of myself as an ascetic. It's not really working for me though, considering how attached i am to my Blackberry and my email bullshit. But hey, whatever you gotta do to stay connected, right? and as long as i'm aware of these things, isn't that better? Or is it even worse? And why should I care? I also think of myself as a bit of a hedonist at heart.

So I guess that was a good day. Let's make this one, one.

Oh wait, let me relish in how great this car is, some more. It's a stick shifter, so it's so much more fun to drive than just an auto. Before that wasn't fun. Before that wasn't really driving. This is driving. And I burnt an mp3 cd and it sounds amazing in it. The windows don't work, but I don't care. I'll get it looked at at some point. It's probably good on gas but I really don't give a shit about the money right now. Not with this job and my position as an economic slave. Fuck I don't want to...ugh fuck but it's worth it right? right? yes, we're doing great things and i'm learning more. sometimes its just hard, that's all. noah loves the work you do, everyone does. just keep trying like you've been doing.

Yeah that thing has quite the sound system. I realized why the gears grind in reverse too, it's just the way the teeth are set. Mmm...grinding metal....