proust

Am I normal? Am I sick? Am I corrupted? Am I evil? These are how I feel when people respond to me. It is my fault sometimes, yes, and I am working on it. It was described to me that sometimes, when I am joking I use the same face I use when I am serious. Sure, I can work on that. Yes, that's OK. But i'm also funny with wit sometimes which isn't used in that respect. and it confuses me...i was at a social engagement. a few and i did'nt come off as my usual self. and sometimes I worry that if I think certain thoughts that they'll come true if I think about them. But I'm really big on...creating an environment where a dialogue, with a safe dialogue, where one can happen, and that we can have a conversationabout anything. that's why i don't give Give Ben any flak.

Everything should be discussed. Wait, no. That would be horrible!

Ahahah...let's agree, some things are better left unsaid. Even a brevity of speech, keeping it small and calculated would be best, but how am i gonna meet new people that way? a cute line? i need to come off less forced. iwould introduce myself to people that made eye contact and sound spastic. just be civil and casual. hey, i'm new in town. my name is marcus. was that so hard? no need to squirm or reel. ddddd or lets skip the intro duction too the intro duction off, this interdiction between ugh me and people i wnat to get to know or bang. or just kiss. i'll get to that later. it was interesting being interesting around that gay man. he was cute. i will admit that and there is nothing wrong with that. Sorry I got distracted. it's important to contemplate on the issues that make you feel ill. Gabe says he's aware of what usually makes him tick, that he's in sync with his autonomy. that's awesome.

i want to try what proust did but i realize its impossible to imitate, and worthless to aim for it. but his technique is worth trying. it would require roleplay, and my amount of dedication would have to mimick my acting skill. he was sick with asthma and had to stay at home. poor man. he is so wise. he was left with his papercrafting and memories and a pen. i wonder what his setup looked like. was it meagre or did it have a large desk and paintings, was he poor? was he ill? where does the whole madeleine thing come in anyway? i efel that way when i dip in cookies. i liked the descriptions that show how he goes into extreme detail, like the patterns on the napkins or the sound of water dripping onto a pipe, but aren't they ultimately pointless unless you can relate them to something? that would make...soemthing experimental if it doesn't relate, and genius if you can bound it to some sort of overarching theme. can you do that?