Equipment list!

I'm nearly ready!

My list of gear thus far includes:
Bivvy sack,
down sleeping bag,
self-inflating sleeping pad (need to pick up),
two synthetic long sleeve base layers,
two synthetic long underwear,
a fleece pullover,
a raincoat,
trekking pants (need to pick up),
sock liners,
two pairs of wool socks, (need one more),
leather boots,
extra insoles (need still)
a pillowcase,
a larger dry stuff sack,
a smaller one for toiletries,
eye drops, contact lens solution, extra contacts,
ibuprofen, benedryl, melatonin, cold medicine,
insect repellent, sunscreen, sun hat,
mini toothbrush, toothpaste, water purification tablets, water bladder, and trekking poles.

what else do I need?

A fine Saturday

Yesterday was a day of learning and growth for me. It began with a handful of miles hiked in the large forest just outside of town. I'm training for my big trek this summer, in a different continent. But other days I'll get high on drugs and smoke cigarettes. Either way I'll make it.

I threw a little part for my class. I spent $40 on liquor and $50 on food, and made shish-ka-bobs. They turned out brilliantly, with a blend of teriyaki and barbecue sauce painted on, and my party was fun for a few hours. Although, at about 10:30, most of the people there were leaving, so it only lasted for about 3 and a half hours, tops. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm still really glad I did it, and it opens up possibilities for future invitations.

Wow, what a show.

In the past two weeks I've been dealing with the
*Crisis of writing a research paper on something I'm not really interested in anymore
*Trying to excommunicate an ex-friend who has been harassing me and my crew, and potentially my girlfriend.
*Starting to get into art and painting again to sooth my soul
*Cooking and having people over (which I haven't been able to do at my old residence)
*Enjoying the day
*Trying to lower my T-mobile bill and realize that if I want to access email from my phone I'll need to use and KEEP my $79/mo plan...helplessly addicted to my blackberry...anyway

So it's been pretty swell. It capped off with a beautiful Sunday too. I got up at noon, went to walmart to get a new inhaler, spent the next 3-4 hours cooking chicken, rice, beans, onions, tomatoes, and peppers into a number of separate dishes that can be brought together scrumtiously with a flour tortilla. We invited a friend over and the three of us (my ladyfriend included) had a lovely time. I endured a minor trauma in the process, as it was mother's day and I was inviting people to come over within the next 30 minutes. S & B, and the rest of the kids in the new house, couldn't make it. Damn. I even tried inviting a few classmates I hang out with and they were all busy. People kept saying they had too much homework to come over for an hour for free amazing food. Kind of painful. I even went so far as inviting my ladyfriend's roommates (including a boyfriend who is rather annoying and ever-present in her apartment, yet nice) and A said she was "too busy" with homework. I'm gonna call out this bitch on it next time I see her. It's less than a 10 minute walk to my place. She always has me over and occasionally cooks B grade food for me, but wouldn't come to my lovely new house. Ah, well. 1st world problem. This isn't something I've complained about before. In fact, I feel kind of silly about it...it was a bit like a Curb your Enthusiasm episode.

Later on, J and I struggled to find our friend's house for an event (in her bathroom) that it turned out I would be performing for (!!!). I didn't realize I was booked and almost ducked out it. But I wrote some notes to myself to prepare and put on some nice clothes, which I'm still wearing. We drove. The house turned out to be on the east side of town, rather than the west, but everything is pretty close together in this city, so it came together.

The house was ragged and trashed. There was a homogenous blend of the new tenant's possession's with the former tenants' which I found to be unruly. Yet more and more people were arriving and I realized that J & I were probably the only one who found the house to trashed. It seemed as if the former tenants had strewn out their belongings against the walls, leaving emaciated walkways between rooms.

Old cabinets, microphone stands, aging banana-painted drawers, various mugs from Minnesota, a teapot from the East, beer cases full of trash and wrappers and peels, cannisters of paprika, epsom salts, black pepper, curry seasonings, green and red bouillon cubes, cat trees rooted to the carpeting, stains of cat urine alongside them, a mateless sneaker, a coverless vent nestled under floorboards, and an upturned boxspring.

Anyway, the most important thing that went down is that I performed! Before I went on I told a hippie guy to play the oven tray at the 30 second mark. That was a good idea. I started off emphasizing the ideas of love and lust as the "big questions" we have to face in our lives, but that they're not really as immense as we're socialized to consider them in our literature and media (I didn't say that though). I just talked about how I fell in love with my astrologer and then my second cousin in Canada and ended that I found these loves to be a farce as they were unrequited, elderly, and ultimately, incestial. I kept my spiel to a beat, as J told me afterwards. I got a few good laughs and it was a hit.

I'd like to do more of this in the future. Some things I could discuss, as far as humorous anecdotes as cultural stories are, the downfall of society within the office space (need to write about this one more) the importance of travel for one's development...i'm not sure. i hope i can find more funny things to talk about. i'm sure there are many stories within me that are worth telling.

my paper

Ugh, I just don't really care about this right now. Maybe I'll lose credit. I don't know. I just can't get interested in this. I don't care! Gauthum says, try to be happy while doing it. But I can't get happy. I feel good, but I want to find personal accounts. Jstor is the only source I have and it's just not cutting it for me. Professor says find articles, articles are what you need! But I can't find enough shit.

What I'd like to see

Well, the report is in. Marcus Nagelberg's brilliant new novel, "Name Withheld." In it, Nagelberg addresses the sense of disconnection and alienation he witnessed in city life, on the college campus, and in suburbia. He paints the pictures that compelled him in his youth to experiment with drugs, and how he struggled to accept his heterosexuality, and how this gradually affected his view of women, relationships, and sex. It is a wholly modern Bildungsroman, echoing the necessity for a quick turn to adulthood, which was influenced by the death of the author's mother when he was a high school boy. "Name Withheld" is one of the first novels to address the issue of emotional isolation in the digital age of worldwide connectivity during the surge of social media.

The mindfulness approach

I took a mindfulness-based depression and anxiety class once a week last quarter. In short, I learned that when I feel anxious, I should remind myself consciously that I feel...anxious, and ask myself where I feel it. The idea is to make what feels almost automatic and unconscious, conscious. I noticed that whenever I walk up the stairs to my office I get the sensation of a vice squeezing my chest, shortening my breath, and making me feels shaky. But now that I'm more aware of it, I just feel more miserable about it.

D&D!

I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Elf Bard/Sorcerer (2nd/2nd Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-12

Dexterity-12

Constitution-14

Intelligence-14

Wisdom-13

Charisma-13


Alignment:
Chaotic Neutral A chaotic neutral character follows his whims. He is an individualist first and last. He values his own liberty but doesn't strive to protect others' freedom. He avoids authority, resents restrictions, and challenges traditions. A chaotic neutral character does not intentionally disrupt organizations as part of a campaign of anarchy. To do so, he would have to be motivated either by good (and a desire to liberate others) or evil (and a desire to make those different from himself suffer). A chaotic neutral character may be unpredictable, but his behavior is not totally random. He is not as likely to jump off a bridge as to cross it. Chaotic neutral is the best alignment you can be because it represents true freedom from both society's restrictions and a do-gooder's zeal. However, chaotic neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it seeks to eliminate all authority, harmony, and order in society.


Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.


Primary Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.


Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)



also, I cleared up things with my girlfriend :P

Poem for the school newspaper

I'm going to look into how much money it'll cost to get this published

big fat cocks
big fat cocks
big fat cocks squirting

big fat cocks
big fat cocks
big fat cocks squirting hot loads

big fat cocks
big fat cocks
big fat cocks squirting hot loads of semen over the balcony

my recent failures

I've failed a lot in the past 60 days. Here are my most recent formal rejections:

My recent failures

I failed to be accepted as a reading tutor for the local middle school.
I failed to be accepted as a volunteer for the local crisis clinic.
I failed to be accepted as an office manager for the Washingont Student Association.
I failed to be accepted as an internet search rater for LeapForce Consulting.
I failed to be accepted as an internet search rater for LionBridge Consulting.

i'm still at the shitty job I don't care about, that has mysteriously gotten shittier.
the things I do for money...

i want to have an affair

I really want to have an affair! Last night I went to girlfriend's house with the prospect of watching Arrested Development and sleeping. I knew once I saw her after opening the door that I didn't want to have sex with her that night. She was wearing her glasses that make her look like a 12 year old version of my mother, some oversize t-shirt and baggy, purple nighties. The epitome of turn-off. I could hardly sleep last night. It even took effort to kiss her goodbye this morning. But I kept thinking about the Astrologer, all night. She is in her late 40s, early 50s, taller, more graceful, fit, wise, well-traveled. She's so lovely, I think I will try to call her again, but can it lead to a date? I dreamt I drew my face close to hers, and told her to kiss me, that I knew she wanted to. This is still on my bucket list, OK? We deserve people like each other!

another crossroad?

I feel stuck again. Considering joining a business program next year at my liberal arts college. Either that, or "Writing American Cultures"...which sounds a lot better. I should just roll with what interests me and can improve my writing. But the logical side of business and finance appeals to me, too. One thing the professor told me is that you'll practice writing out an idea or a plan, and reviewing it in multiple instances and through different frames of reference to test it out, and find out, is this realistic? I like that whole branch of logic, maybe it's good for me. English and American culture/history are important too, but fuck, I really want to know what it takes to start a business. This professor created an oil company and numerous other ventures in South America. I'm not sure how to create a business outside the internet and designing a sweet website, though. That seems to be the place to start in my generation.

My birthday's coming up. I just want to cop some painkillers...

money

So, somehow, I'm low on money. Car repair was part of it, but I make about $1K a month at this job, and my rent is $305...so how can I be low on money? Some of it goes to school and books, but not a majority of it. Something has to give. Anyway, tomorrow I'll hear back about this internet job. I heard about it on the internet. I passed the first theoretical test and will find out the results about the practical test. But I hear they're sticklers with the time clock. Here I can somewhat extent time safely. But since this part-time gig is completely online, they know exactly how much time you spend per task. And the job consists of completing a bunch of little tasks. I'll just have to see, but if it's not terrible, it may provide an extra $400 a month or so. I may either invest this into an individual (not retirement) account and buy common stock, or just put it into savings. Next quarter I want to get a Stafford loan and live off that, instead of this stupid job. And I need to file my taxes, and it should be a pretty good bonus because...I'm technically independent, though my grandfather's money went to pay for my school. Hope it works out. Hope I can properly manage it, too.