writing with Marcus Hazelberg and discussions on the eccentricities of life

Since the beginning of styrofoam, men and women have been stealing leftovers from each other and lying about it. I've done this a lot and I'm gonna offer you guys some tips on getting free food in these desperate times. Now, if you wanna steal your roommates' leftovers, there's a few precautions to take. I'll input my own experience here. I lived with a veteran named Josh. I'm going to preface this and say, if you're interrogated, the magic phrase is "I don't know". And if that doesn't work, you say "No." One day he makes a shitload of chicken drumsticks and thighs. But I need to test him before I can steal from him. One day I open the tupperware and simply rotate a few of these drumsticks, and wait to see what happens. I'm sitting on the couch doing nothing and I hear "What the shit? Who touched my food?!" "I don't know," i said. "Was it you, Matt?" "No." Well then I knew. This motherfucker would put you into a sleeper hold over half a hotpocket. I live with better people now. I ate some of chase's pasta salad and he actually noticed and asked me. "Matt, did you eat my pasta salad?" "I don't know." "Well who did?" "No." Now if you're unfortunate enough to work in an office, you're lucky in that the fridges are actually communal. They don't tell you that. You've just got to reach out and grab the chicken salad. The rule here is the 3 day rule. If something's in there for 3 days, it's yours. Now, this one time there was an old trader joe's greek salad. So i took it into the bathroom, took a shit, and then ate it. The salad, that is. But the walnuts were kinda chewy and it was taking me some time. Someone knocked and was like "Is someone in there?" and I remembered the magic phrase, "I don't know." oh is that you matt? "no." And then you MUST MUST MUST dig some trash out of the bin, bury the leftover containers, and then put the trash back on top. even if its gross. otherwise they'll know it was