My father is so strong.

Today I learned how strong my father really is. His hopes and dreams, his "whys" in life are not too far out of reach, despite seemingly hopeless amounts of debt, poor job offerings and daily injustices at work, options that seem futile, working jobs far below his frame of intelligence and what he is capable of... but he has a "why" and when a man has a "why" in his life he can endure any "how".

I came so close to a breakdown today, when I saw an update to my medical bill sent in, this time it was pink instead of white, when I had paid another $400 to it, they had said I only paid $250 or so. I was as pink as the letter, but I will, I promise to get up earlier and call them tomorrow and explain my case. I have been so reluctant, so emotionally adverse to opening the letters and facing the bills head on, as a coward, not as a man in control of his life, with hands gripping the wheel in the car on the road of how we deal with things. It's dehumanizing. I feel so abused. These people in Virginia or something, screw up on purpose perhaps, to make me and my family suffer. Sure, they're only trying to run a business, and with my split head and future desires to be on top of something, I have at times regrettably been able to equate people and profits. But my "why" will reside in bolstering the people...not as some socialist Marxist agenda, but as a way, when I see a country ran by corporations rather than by government, as a child of the worst economic crisis caused by greed itself, with senators and representatives choosing lobbyists over human lives, when presidents vow to turn toward the commoner over corporate interest and fail (but who would have guessed), I can only see my country in decline, and everyone underneath chase the trend.

It makes it hard to stay content. And I say content rather than happy, because when people say "find happiness" they do not quite mean that, as happiness is only something that can be ensued or resulted in when we find things in our lives that allow it. So these people mean "find something that makes you happy", and as humans can be defined as goal-oriented creatures, we can deduce that they mean, "find a future goal that will make you happy, and pursue it". Which is easier said than done, when I am so conflicted. I'm not unique in desiring money and wealth and a car that isn't a Toyota for once. And some Toyotas are quite nice these days. But I want to break the cycle of debt my mother and father have been in, and my father is in still, to have a house that doesn't have pieces falling apart, to order something without worrying about its price, but only the pleasure it will grant...but these feelings, like the attainment of all material possessions, I believe, are fleeting at best. Of course, we feel great after buying a car or some snazzy new clothes, but we quickly become accustomed to a this new, more exorbitant lifestyle, and anything less would be an absolute downgrade, in a world where our self-worth is determined by our salaries and sailboats, the area of our apartments and the number of channels on our televisions, would be an absolute hammer to the mirror. So, when push comes to shove, and income is lost, we would rely on debt to keep this self-worth, this lifestyle, these pleasures that don't really please but only maintain, creating that image of an enamored housewife in Orange County sneaking out her i-banker husband's AmEx card, giddy and gregarious, as she pulls in her Lexus to Neiman Marcus.

I know, everything I've said in this post has been said before, but it feels so much better relatively to say it myself, in my own way. I was so close to tears but ten minutes ago, I felt so lost and abandoned and abused, the minor debt of a medical bill only a sample of what's to come with student loans for an education I don't even know what I'll do with, but am confident that I need. It seems so...self-harming to have something of an existential/educational/career crisis AFTER getting accepted to your college, but I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just wish I knew people, people I could converse with, that know this feeling of uncertainty. And I'm pretty much "locked in", I'm pretty much fated to go. I have to, everyone tells me, I have to. And deep down, I know it offers a better chance at life than this one right now. Something new, that novel stimulation that I've been craving since after high school, where in comparison to my boxed-in peers, I have so much, where one is just so jealous of what I have, things I'm trying to get away from. But right now, I could just never have enough money, even though I have so much more than those boxed-in peers, what I'll have to pay for just exceeds their understanding. Tuition, rent, medical bills...well some of it crosses over, but my requirements seem to be in another ball park. I don't know, I can't compare myself to them, for better or for worse. They're just other people. I'm just another person.