the morning and the evening

This morning sucked. I could not drag myself out of bed on time. I missed the short period of time between when I could take the train to which i would have to drive. It took waay too long to get to the freeway due to construction jams and I wanted to tell myself something - well, I did, but I want my brain to remember not to let this happen to me again. Even though it's happened to me in the past. In the mornings, as I'm fading from sleep to wake my personality changes and I become much more impulsive...and my impulses are to stay in bed and to blow off society and the world for selfish gains. It's almost comparable to Jekyll and Hyde. It's something I'm working on, and the worst part is that it doesn't matter how much sleep I get at night, 6 hours, 8 hours, I still feel the same shitty way. It's motivating me to exercise or something maybe that will help. I was half an hour late to work but no one said anything.

then I worked for about 7 hours.

The drive home was so much worse though. It took a good hour. All there was to listen to on the radio was the same hip-hop pop songs, some of which I like, but it gets old quick when the playlist contains 7 songs and 3 different artists. I'm looking at you, Lil' Wayne. Why the hell does he get to be featured in seemingly every single pop song that's not Britney Spears' "Circus"? that might not even be the name of the song. i don't remember writing the previous sentence.

Tonight i cleared my schedule and blew off my friends so that I could take drugs. 15mg hydrocodone, .75mg alprazolam (i gotta be careful with the shit) and i'm drinking some coffee to stay awake. it's too strong but i'm dealing. im planning to smoke a bowl later :D.

You ever get that feeling where you just can't get the right words to conjure in your head, and it makes you uncomfortable when you have to settle for the incorrect words? And no, this happened at work today while I was sober. It pissed me off. Maybe because I was just so fed up with this long annoying project I was working on. That's as much as I'm gonna say about the job because I wish to remain anonymous.

I'm someone conflicted though...i want my writings, no matter how irrelevant they are to other people or how shitty and unorganized they are, to be available on google or something, but I can't make them appear. Perhaps the domain hasn't been around long enough? I know you can register for dmoz.org or something but I couldn't quite figure out how to do it.

I'm taking the drugs to feel something different tonight. there's been too much same.