am I frustrated because I doubt myself? or do I doubt myself because I am frustrated? I told my mentor when I saw him on a rare, random occasion: "I write...just journals and stuff mostly, but I want to write some fiction." He says okay good. I say "But creating characters and whatnot, seems so difficult. I can't write about anyone besides myself. I don't understand other people's inclinations, motivations, or what makes THEM THEM. I only know mine...to some extent." He says...then write about yourself.
i probably don't even need any new experiences to find material, i have enough in my life, strangely enough. but I feel like I perceive things so differently, and not different enough to be entertaining or enthralling to any other reader, just in a weird "you're overthinking" kind of way. some of it is so ashamedly stupid i can't even get it written down here. like...I had to leave a friend's house to get home at a certain time. C wanted a ride, I said sure fine whatever (like I have a choice...but don't blast me for being a dick, i just hate driving my car even though everyone else would die for one...its a long weird issue i have trouble explaining even to myself) and he brought it up once or twice, "Marcus, shouldn't you be leaving soon? it's 5:45!" i was annoyed, concentrating on a board game with someone else I joked, put him on blast, said sarcastically, "Thanks mom" and everyone laughed at his expense. Oh C...so serious C. Tries to see everything in black and white.
Well anyway I ended up leaving a bit later than I wanted to, was pressed for time, and ended up dropping him off at the bus stop. He assured me it was "fine" but I knew he was pissed off a bit because he wanted to go home because he was tired or hungry or some menial issue of the flesh. But I think he might have been a bit proud of me for not being coerced by his will. I did him a favor that very morning that might have saved him his job anyway.
joke life
Thursday, May 7, 2009
doubt
I don't feel like I'm good enough to finish school. I've barely done anything and I feel like I've been cracking away at it for ages, but there's so much more. i need to try going away to school though. just try. as long as i pass my classes here i'll be in a good spot i think. I hope. Frustrated with C like he can't help himself. Don't want to see him so fucking much, he's pissing me off. just next time, say no. i need a good excuse though. but i don't have to do anything I don't want to do, right? and O will be there to egg me on when i don't want to pick C's ass up. and stop smoking again! you lost your rhythm! what happened? another problem is that I'm pretty much alone without these people. i wonder how i'm better off. i had a good time with C the other day probably because i was able to say no. why couldn't i say no today? perhaps because i'd want him to do the same. god damn car.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
want
Today was April 30th. I came to a scary conclusion today through a day of turmoil and confusion - I don't know what I want. For some reason I feel the need to distance myself from the few friends I actually have. C is boring me, O seems to be losing himself in his own vices, and R is just there. Everyone says I'm expecting too much when we hang out, but I've put so much time into it. I did some really decent writing while sitting on a rock coming up on mushrooms, but it was fleeting, and the day was downhill from that point. I need to cherish my father, because he's all I really fucking have, or so it feels like. He sacrifices so much, and he actually has a plan. One big thing he has that I don't is a goal and a plan for once. He has a plan to self-actualize.
I got so "stuck" today with C. I felt like he was being belligerent, and he accused me of being paranoid, and I stopped listening to him and played with sand and looked at plants in a newfound glory but it was also fleeting because after we got off those rocks and he took off his shirt i knew I was having a bad trip, because I was stuck with HIM. There was nothing I could do, no way to express myself without hurting his feelings and making him wonder why, why am I being left behind. For someone accusing me of having no balls because sports don't interest me, he really has attachment issues. But he was neglected and abused as a child, and I should feel bad for him and help him. Sigh.
Another thing I learned today is that I really don't know anything. Sometimes things work and other things don't. I know that sounds vague but when things work out, I don't even know if it was my efforts that made it be or my lack of efforts. Like there is no way for me to choose an inclination other than what feels natural. But of course, the natural one is to push myself away from problems and uncomfortable scenarios. But the discomfort is good, right? It builds character, it makes you grow! Right? But at a certain future time I'll have to do what feels right to find my way and realize that whenever anything I chose to do on my own accord didn't feel right I was only doing it for the sake of self-improvement and broadening my horizons. Why is life so complicated for me? All I'm supposed to do is go to school, work a job, hang out with friends to shoot the shit and not go crazy, and maybe invest in a hobby, and go to sleep and wake up and repeat the cycle. There is so much emotional bullshit. There are so many questions without answers. Interrogative inclinations and wondering "why?"
also, I saw a doctor today. don't get me started on the health care system. please. i need to fight for the proletariat in that one. maybe public policy?
I got so "stuck" today with C. I felt like he was being belligerent, and he accused me of being paranoid, and I stopped listening to him and played with sand and looked at plants in a newfound glory but it was also fleeting because after we got off those rocks and he took off his shirt i knew I was having a bad trip, because I was stuck with HIM. There was nothing I could do, no way to express myself without hurting his feelings and making him wonder why, why am I being left behind. For someone accusing me of having no balls because sports don't interest me, he really has attachment issues. But he was neglected and abused as a child, and I should feel bad for him and help him. Sigh.
Another thing I learned today is that I really don't know anything. Sometimes things work and other things don't. I know that sounds vague but when things work out, I don't even know if it was my efforts that made it be or my lack of efforts. Like there is no way for me to choose an inclination other than what feels natural. But of course, the natural one is to push myself away from problems and uncomfortable scenarios. But the discomfort is good, right? It builds character, it makes you grow! Right? But at a certain future time I'll have to do what feels right to find my way and realize that whenever anything I chose to do on my own accord didn't feel right I was only doing it for the sake of self-improvement and broadening my horizons. Why is life so complicated for me? All I'm supposed to do is go to school, work a job, hang out with friends to shoot the shit and not go crazy, and maybe invest in a hobby, and go to sleep and wake up and repeat the cycle. There is so much emotional bullshit. There are so many questions without answers. Interrogative inclinations and wondering "why?"
also, I saw a doctor today. don't get me started on the health care system. please. i need to fight for the proletariat in that one. maybe public policy?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Vibration
The vibration in my pocket typically disrupts any of this, any of what I have right now. The Prosthete is one who actively engages in lies and makes personas for himself. He is a masked marauder. He is a jovial jester. He is a dark, sinister hand. He is a sticky keyboard on the only vacant lab computer. He is the mouse without a ball. He is the mastermind behind it all. He is the one who tugs your strings. He is the one who can make your heart sing. He is the one to cut you with a knife. He is the one who actively fills you with fright.
He will leave work early. We will leave work early. We will leave at 3, but it's 2:58 and on his desk lies his feet. When are you off work? All of the cards in this deck are broke. Ripped up and shredded, fifty fifty two. Toss 'em 'round, pick them up, flip them down, look at the back, is it new? Or is it the same queen, the same jack,
He will leave work early. We will leave work early. We will leave at 3, but it's 2:58 and on his desk lies his feet. When are you off work? All of the cards in this deck are broke. Ripped up and shredded, fifty fifty two. Toss 'em 'round, pick them up, flip them down, look at the back, is it new? Or is it the same queen, the same jack,
chest
Chest pain
Waking up with a dry cough
Dust bunnies and pet dander may play a role
Did some vacuuming but still did not sleep well. Rest of quest involves washing mattress pad, blankets, comforter...a lot of water will be used. The vacuum is fucked up too. The hose that is separate from the vacuum itself is kind of broken, though it sucks up on its own. so it's a lot cleaner from the hour of work i put into it. i'm happy about that. still a lot of dust bunnies though in other parts of the house. my dad has a cough but he's a smoker so yeah
he wants me to find myself a new insurance plan. i backed out of the old one because it was gay and charged me 25% more because i was taking effexor.
in my insurance plan i want good rX coverage, high deductible so i can get a HSA and just to be able to see a doctor for much cheaper than it should be
Waking up with a dry cough
Dust bunnies and pet dander may play a role
Did some vacuuming but still did not sleep well. Rest of quest involves washing mattress pad, blankets, comforter...a lot of water will be used. The vacuum is fucked up too. The hose that is separate from the vacuum itself is kind of broken, though it sucks up on its own. so it's a lot cleaner from the hour of work i put into it. i'm happy about that. still a lot of dust bunnies though in other parts of the house. my dad has a cough but he's a smoker so yeah
he wants me to find myself a new insurance plan. i backed out of the old one because it was gay and charged me 25% more because i was taking effexor.
in my insurance plan i want good rX coverage, high deductible so i can get a HSA and just to be able to see a doctor for much cheaper than it should be
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Break.
C and I stole 3 ton jack and heavy toolbox from his father to help open up the wheels of my car and look at the brakes. First you unscrew the lug nuts, all five of them to get the tire off. Inside, is the brake, calipers, support plates, pads, and rotor. But a new problem opened up, because inside the front left brake the pads are in pristine condition. We didn't have time to open up the other side and check it out. Also, the entire caliper is for another model of car, two types of brake pads that we got did not fit, it's a very scary thing. Also, the car needs an alignment. Of all the fucking cars he's worked on, C said, THIS one has to have the wrong calipers on it. Naturally it means I got gipped when we got the car like two years ago. Very sad, means I have to put a lot more money and work into it. as of now I despise driving it, makes sounds I don't want to hear, and the brake pedal is loose, must press hard. I hate being poor.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Begin
Am reading "The Right to Write" by Julia Cameron. Doing an exercise
Physically, a little upbeat, a little less sick, perhaps from being outside the house which might be making me ill. There could be mold problems or things in the ventilation that make me cough and spit up sputum and sneeze and accent my asthma in negative ways. I am not writing long-hand. Sitting upright rather content actually talked to a friend on the phone about a possible sex interest. This is no longer physical and must be edited. But we do not edit on this blog. No sir. Currently, for some reason, do not have the compulsive urge to eat, maybe because I am sitting upright and writing? Feels okay.
Emotionally, I've been satiated. Need a love interest, a new outlet, a new friend. I take society one day at a time and am slightly comfortable with that, gradually more, hopefully faster. Skipped a class because I forgot about an assignment, how is this emotional again? The hustle and bustle of everyday life. Not a sentence. If I wanted to write about a sick frog-charmer, I'd be too caught up in the details. Maybe that's what I have to work on, or just work on. I meant it that way. This is not meant to be read and cherished by others thought I want to find my own voice that other people would enjoy listening to and perhaps even speak back to me with.
Psychologically, I'm okay, I was able to push back meeting my friend (even though he is helping me with my car) to a little later so that I would be able to do this little exercise. But it feels so bland! I want that passion back, I went to the beach, I got high, I hung out, I did some work, I'm crafting, not perfecting a craft but developing it hopefully, I am rambling in tangents unmanagable, but intend to eventually manage.
My age bothered me after my last birthday but I'm coming to terms with it, this is really something right here, Julia Cameron is a genius. Here's a quote (though I will try to refrain from them because they take up space in material that is not my own),
"Be petty, critical, whining, scared. Be excited, adventurous, worried, happy. Be whatever and however you are at this moment. Get current. Feel the current of your own thoughts and emotions."
I am typing rather fast but one thing came up to me earlier today, why is NEUTRALITY seen as a NEGATIVE? Why isn't NEUTRAL neutral? These days, everything breezes by so quickly - everyone who matters is connected in one form or another and it feels like real passions, real meanings to things, real truths are on the same level of whims these days. Anyone can pick up a hobby if they have a few hours and a bit of capital, and they can drop it like a pen the next day. It feels like, "if you do not yourself consume, you will be yourself consumed". That's all me right there. Copywritten, bitches. The current is that I merely feel here, and since I do not feel bad, I feel good. I guess that's just neutral. And thank goodness I don't feel sick at the moment, like I have for the past two weeks. I swear, once I go back inside the house I'll start coughing shit up again. This morning I thought about taking a test - rest in a hotel for 3-4 nights and see if I stop feeling sick. I grabbed this coupon that lets men come to your house to clean out your "vents" in your house. I think my house has vents, even though it doesn't have air conditioning. I guess I will have to call them and find out? That doesn't really scare me right now, however. Yesterday I emailed Ryan. Today I emailed someone in the English department that old prose I wrote a while ago which is still decent even though a bit rambling it's true to heart. Right now, while I write now, I ramble still intangibly except to me, incorporeal (lacking material form or substance) except to thee.
Physically, a little upbeat, a little less sick, perhaps from being outside the house which might be making me ill. There could be mold problems or things in the ventilation that make me cough and spit up sputum and sneeze and accent my asthma in negative ways. I am not writing long-hand. Sitting upright rather content actually talked to a friend on the phone about a possible sex interest. This is no longer physical and must be edited. But we do not edit on this blog. No sir. Currently, for some reason, do not have the compulsive urge to eat, maybe because I am sitting upright and writing? Feels okay.
Emotionally, I've been satiated. Need a love interest, a new outlet, a new friend. I take society one day at a time and am slightly comfortable with that, gradually more, hopefully faster. Skipped a class because I forgot about an assignment, how is this emotional again? The hustle and bustle of everyday life. Not a sentence. If I wanted to write about a sick frog-charmer, I'd be too caught up in the details. Maybe that's what I have to work on, or just work on. I meant it that way. This is not meant to be read and cherished by others thought I want to find my own voice that other people would enjoy listening to and perhaps even speak back to me with.
Psychologically, I'm okay, I was able to push back meeting my friend (even though he is helping me with my car) to a little later so that I would be able to do this little exercise. But it feels so bland! I want that passion back, I went to the beach, I got high, I hung out, I did some work, I'm crafting, not perfecting a craft but developing it hopefully, I am rambling in tangents unmanagable, but intend to eventually manage.
My age bothered me after my last birthday but I'm coming to terms with it, this is really something right here, Julia Cameron is a genius. Here's a quote (though I will try to refrain from them because they take up space in material that is not my own),
"Be petty, critical, whining, scared. Be excited, adventurous, worried, happy. Be whatever and however you are at this moment. Get current. Feel the current of your own thoughts and emotions."
I am typing rather fast but one thing came up to me earlier today, why is NEUTRALITY seen as a NEGATIVE? Why isn't NEUTRAL neutral? These days, everything breezes by so quickly - everyone who matters is connected in one form or another and it feels like real passions, real meanings to things, real truths are on the same level of whims these days. Anyone can pick up a hobby if they have a few hours and a bit of capital, and they can drop it like a pen the next day. It feels like, "if you do not yourself consume, you will be yourself consumed". That's all me right there. Copywritten, bitches. The current is that I merely feel here, and since I do not feel bad, I feel good. I guess that's just neutral. And thank goodness I don't feel sick at the moment, like I have for the past two weeks. I swear, once I go back inside the house I'll start coughing shit up again. This morning I thought about taking a test - rest in a hotel for 3-4 nights and see if I stop feeling sick. I grabbed this coupon that lets men come to your house to clean out your "vents" in your house. I think my house has vents, even though it doesn't have air conditioning. I guess I will have to call them and find out? That doesn't really scare me right now, however. Yesterday I emailed Ryan. Today I emailed someone in the English department that old prose I wrote a while ago which is still decent even though a bit rambling it's true to heart. Right now, while I write now, I ramble still intangibly except to me, incorporeal (lacking material form or substance) except to thee.
time
should could would volunteer over the summer. if not travel. but i want to make money...or do i? what about psychic income? what about getting more writing material? that might be a better use of my time.
class struggles throughout history, marx, engels, nietsche try to depict them
I could work with the elderly and steal their drugs and listen to their stories. Maybe i could teach english in some foreign country. Do I want to do that? Possibly. Need a job. Summer classes would get in the way of that. Helping old jewish people. helping old mexican people. old black people. old german people. Something to get me out of the house.
class struggles throughout history, marx, engels, nietsche try to depict them
I could work with the elderly and steal their drugs and listen to their stories. Maybe i could teach english in some foreign country. Do I want to do that? Possibly. Need a job. Summer classes would get in the way of that. Helping old jewish people. helping old mexican people. old black people. old german people. Something to get me out of the house.
today
dim hot and hellish
constantly have to fight off the urges of getting fingernails up in my hairline, fishing for faults and outliers, little smidgens of whatnot hidden up in there must be smitten to ritualistic search and removal. it's sickening and gross and i don't want to have to do it anymore. I must also force myself to shower more often, especially in this weather. I hate being fat.
Constant urge to eat nuts and rabbit food as well when i'm not even hungry. Pisses me off, had a dream with a cool story idea in it but forgot it
constantly have to fight off the urges of getting fingernails up in my hairline, fishing for faults and outliers, little smidgens of whatnot hidden up in there must be smitten to ritualistic search and removal. it's sickening and gross and i don't want to have to do it anymore. I must also force myself to shower more often, especially in this weather. I hate being fat.
Constant urge to eat nuts and rabbit food as well when i'm not even hungry. Pisses me off, had a dream with a cool story idea in it but forgot it
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